Talked to T about the book, group blog & a little about PC....

I wish I could go into more detail, but I have to get to bed or I'm going to be a vegetable when I wake up in a few hours. My car broke down tonight, so I'm kinda freaking out about how to get to work tomorrow. UGH.

Anyhoo....

My session with T today was much better than last week. He was my old T again. Whew!

We talked about this and that....nothing too in-depth....

But I brought up what triggered me in that therapy book that I posted about the other day...and told him that I heard about the book from someone on PC...I didn't specifically name "PC" but I said that I was part of an online support group of people who are also in therapy....

T agreed that I am "not there yet" and need to work through my anger first before I can feel any kind of sympathy. He was actually pleased that I reacted the way I did, because I tend to feel so badly for people that he was concerned that I would skip over the anger and go straight to that. He also said that he was ok with me reading the book because it seemed to elicit feelings in me that could become a learning experience in therapy for me.

He also mentioned my blog post, and I told him I give up. I really do. He said that some things are worth fighting for. I told him I was done fighting. I don't want to fight anymore. I give up. He tried to get me to see it differently, but I was pretty firm with my decision. I told him that I don't care anymore. Later, I emailed him asking him.....

"I'm a bit conflicted about your feedback regarding the blog. If I ask for something, share my feelings repeatedly and have commitments made that are continually broken, is it not healthy to at some point let it go? To redirect my energy to something that is perhaps equally important and maybe even more rewarding, where I don't have to continually feel the stress of repeated disappointment? To me, it seems like a healthy decision. You seem to disagree, and I'm curious to know why."

His response, "I don’t disagree at all with what you are saying. I sense though that this is one place that being persistent might pay off."

I told him we could talk more about it next week.

One funny thing.....I was telling T about some issues I'm having with my mom and sister. He mentioned that I could say something along the lines of "You, this that and the other thing"....I said, "Wow, that's a lot of YOU statements!"....He said, "She deserves it!"....He seemed so human at that moment, and less like a therapist, which I found so amusing!

Anyway, it was a good session....and I'm glad I went.

I'm glad T really heard you and offered comfort. You deserve it!

Glad you got to see a glimpse of your T just being human today..that always helps!

So glad Old T is back!! Tell him 'welcome back' from everyone at PC

That's such a helpful insight about it being positive that you are able to feel angry at the concept of abusers receiving sympathy- especially as you've written about feeling great sympathy for your ex-H and your T even when they were behaving very badly and you were very hurt by them.

I feel less sure about his 'this is one area where persistence will pay off' comment. It sounds like you've done so much on this already, and the other T just isn't budging. Your request is so reasonable (would literally take him 5 minutes) and you have asked, skilfully, so many times. The other T should be responsive and reinforce that skilfulness by doing what you've asked. And it's not as if your T has no control- he could easily step in and do it himself in order to reward your persistence...

I don't know, your T's comment sounds a little like they are being deliberately non-responsive to teach you a lesson in persistence, and that's not comfortable to me when the request is reasonable. I think it's heartless to manipulate situations too artifically in order to 'teach'. So for me, it's ok for therapy to be mined for lessons, but not manipulated for them. It would be like T leaving me suffering so that I 'learn' that I can tolerate suffering. Just my thoughts, sorry if they're off base.


Such a pain about your car- hope you get to work ok in the morning

MUE, the way the other T is acting about not posting to the blog reminds me some of a few men I have known in my life who got very stubborn when a woman asked them to do something. They didn't like that and a repeated request was viewed by them as nagging and they dug in their heels even harder. The more the woman asked, no matter how reasonable or polite, the more strongly they did just the opposite of what she wanted. I don't know if there's any kind of dynamic like that going on, but I learned that the repeated requests would not work with those guys. It was better to take a different path. If it were me, and I truly wanted this blog thing to work, I would try something new. Like I might enlist the aid of another person in the group that I knew really liked the blog too, and see if they might have more success if they spoke to the recalcitrant T. It would be better if the other person did not reveal they were working in tandem with you, but have it appear that coincidentally, they wanted the blog back too, and they had not spoken to you about it. The best situation would be if the other person were a man, just in case this T has the sort of problem I've described with women. I know it doesn't feel good to have to resort to this kind of indirect tactic, as we learn in therapy to be direct, but it might possibly save the day.

Another approach would be for you and the other group members just to do the blog without the spaceholder post by this T. Reinvent the way the blog works in a new way, so that you are not all dependent on a spaceholder post. Could you all just post in the blog just like one posts here on PC in a thread? Just write your comments, one after the other, respond to each other, etc. And if the T wants to jump in at some point, he can, and if never does, well, that's fine too, and you all can still have your blog conversation. With this approach, it is good to get a couple of helpers too to get things rolling. You could enlist a couple of people, and at the next group meeting suggest to the group that you try something new with the blog so the T doesn't have to post, etc. Probably others will be on board with the plan.

Good luck to you, MUE.

Just thank you for mentioning this- key words being reasonable and polite. I'm not saying that women don't ignore requests too, but it is more frustrating to be caught in that dynamic with a man, because we expect men to get what they want by doing and women to get what they want by negotiating politely.

I agree, mixedup, you could do the blog alone!