why no more hugs ever....

PG - do you think you can still work with your T? Has the trust been shaken too badly?

(sorry I am going to have 3 threads in a row here, but i thought i should just put this in its own thread)

So T said, no more hugs, or any physical contact. I said, forever and ever. She said yes.....This is why. It is because I have freely discussed my struggles with my sexual orientation/identity, which always felt so fluid to me. I have come to understand and accept that I am bi-sexual, more on the attracted to women side than the attracted to men side. I also have a huge attachment to T, a huge need for touch, for the hugs that I did not get, for the comfort I did not get as a child growing up in a dysfunctional home - for a long time, I thought that this was only a need for maternal affection/nurturing, and to an extent, it is. But I also had questions and confusion about my feelings toward my T, did I love her, did I just want her to be the affectionate mother I never had, or did I really have sexual feelings toward her or confusion about whether my feelings were sexual - yes to all. Many of you have seen the manic expression of my fantasies in 'that' thread!
Anyway, so last week I confessed all these things to her.....she talked to her supervisor about it. Her supervisor advised her to have no physical contact with me ever again, under the circumstances, taking into account my sexual issues, my strong feelings toward my T, and the fact that I am a borderline as well.....My T agreed with this insight and said that that is how it would be, forever after now.
She asked if I could tolerate it. I was feeling the world cave in on me, that awful feeling of losing my breath and about to black out. I said no, and hid my face from her in the pillow and began to shake; no tears. But she said, if you need to cry, cry. She said, you asked what I do if someone cries? I give them space and wait quietly or I cry with them.....and when she said that, her voice did break. She does care, I know she does, and she said it over and over again, said that the trust and rapport we have built are strong enough now to take this.
I know she cares, and I know her reasons are valid, but this does feel like a huge rupture to me, a huge wound in my trust. My trust has been shaken...
Partly I feel like this, that I told the truth, and am paying the consequences. I also feel like my fears of a woman knowing this deep, dark secret part of me, that I felt like I was gay, and pushing me away, came true - I always had this fear of having women friends too close because I knew this was in me. Those are both like a distortion, I know it, and she told me that - yet can I not have my feelings validated here!?! Because in a sense, it's true....I am paying this price for being utterly honest with her.
What else could she do? Well, she could have kept hugging me, left the door open for hugs in the future......but as much as it sucks, she did the ethical thing, and probably the right thing for me, too, because I need to learn how to feel comfort without having touch....like this that I posted not so long ago - 'You know what, this is making me think too, about this want that I have for comfort....maybe I am simply letting that want distract me or be a deliberate obstacle in front of the tears so that I don't have to let them come....Like your thought - I know I won't be held if I cry, so no comfort, so why go there. I have touch/comfort and tears all entwined. I need to separate out the want for touch/comfort from the tears, and learn how to just be with the tears, to let them come, touch or no touch' - I told her about this, and said, maybe I just have to learn to do without the touch here.....and she said, yes. So, it is what is....I accept that, but not without it coming at a great cost, this pain, this huge wound.
Thank you all for caring and for being gentle with me in this hurt.....

Poet,
This must hurt very much, not being able to get hugs as well as the worry that she will terminate you. Having borderline disorder has a lot to do with your insecurity about her leaving you and not being able to trust. Try to remember when she said she wont leave you and hear that in your mind when you feel bad or worried.

As much as it hurts to not get hugs anymore, it sounds like she is doing what she feels is in your best interest. That's an important key isn't it? That she really is trying to do her best for you. That means she cares very much. She probably doesn't want to send the wrong message or confuse you. She is being careful. Maybe you can take comfort in knowing that--that she cares so much that she wont hurt you and is thinking of you only. Even if you don't agree with it and it hurts right now, it still could be the best thing for you right?

I don't want to be a big, bad wolf but this seems like more soul soothing. Fine under most circumstances, but like the alcoholic who's addicted to alcohol, even though the alcohol itself is not the problem, soul soothing may be your 'addiction', if I can call it that. Even though soul soothing itself is not the problem.

I could be wrong in that, the reason it seems excessive is that your feelings haven't been addressed at all rather than that they have been addressed and still there is a constant need to address them.

Or I could be wrong because I'm analytical and I see all comforting requirements as 'excessive'.

One thing I'm sure of is that you're doing your best between understanding the emotions, living the emotions, and balancing the two.

Again, I hope I'm being more helpful than harmful.

"If anyone is still reading......I need to know! I feel so in need....sorry.
Thanks for caring....."

I don't want to be a big, bad wolf but this seems like more soul soothing. Fine under most circumstances, but like the alcoholic who's addicted to alcohol, even though the alcohol itself is not the problem, soul soothing may be your 'addiction', if I can call it that. Even though soul soothing itself is not the problem.

I could be wrong in that, the reason it seems excessive is that your feelings haven't been addressed at all rather than that they have been addressed and still there is a constant need to address them.

Or I could be wrong because I'm analytical and I see all comforting requirements as 'excessive'.

One thing I'm sure of is that you're doing your best between understanding the emotions, living the emotions, and balancing the two. thank you....I know I need to have this balance, and I'm trying for it....

Again, I hope I'm being more helpful than harmful.

Your take on this is interesting. Can you elaborate more on what you mean? Are you saying that she (we) tend to get more caught up in the need for 'soul soothing'? Are you saying that the situation she (we) are going through is not the issue at all?

Do we use situations as these to fill some kind of void?

I don't want to start OTs but I'm starting to get confused.
by OT here I assume off-topic? I don't think we are really off topic, just addressing deeper aspects of why this whole stinkin' issue troubles me so and why I can't just shrug my shoulders and be oh well, so what, no more hugs, no big deal.....
Frankly, it may be because PG is so thoughtful about her situation, that I'm starting to feel like a therapist experiencing cross-transference. That doesn't really help.

I guess the important thing seems to be to realize the therapist has her concerns, PG has her reactions, etc. and everybody is trying to reach some balance. A balance resulting from what conflicts? The T's decision and PG's reaction. yes.....

It feels a little like everybody here is huddling up to make our next play against the T's decision.

If anyone is still reading......I need to know! I feel so in need....sorry.
Thanks for caring.....

Definitely still reading, and thinking of you, and will be as your session draws nearer

I think it is ok to need- and to ask for and receive- soothing from others, in this wobbly time when we are still learning to soothe ourselves and one huge source of comfort (T) is temporarily destabilized.