I saw T again this morning.

I STILL have insomnia, so we talked about that. I told him how I'm struggling right now - so many big, core, ugly feelings have come up, mostly about how stupid and unlovable I am, and it's so painful. I can't sleep.

I told him I would give anything for a little place of peace inside so I can rest. Even if I was 95% "I'm stupid and unlovable" and 5% quietness, that would be fine. I just can't find that quiet place.

I FEEL like what I need to do is work HARD to get through it. Talk about the things I don't want to talk about, feel the things I don't want to feel, look at the things I don't want to look at. But T said that the past two weeks have been so huge...that I haven't been "dipping my toe into the pool" of my past, and my feelings, but that I was kind of pushed in. And he said that the things I've had to do have been healing, and healthy, but that after all of that, and my insomnia, and our rupture, I need to find a way to allow myself to rest.

I thought about my kids when they have the flu. I want them to not have the flu, but I can't change it. They are little hot, flushed, sick things, and all I can do is love them through it - make them comfortable, bring them drinks and videos, hold them, tuck them in, help them know they won't feel that bad forever. I want to change how they feel, but I can't.

And I started thinking of my insides like my sick kids. Like, what if I just say to myself "you feel unlovable and stupid. it feels awful and I bet you wish it would just end. it's okay. just rest and know that you won't feel like this forever". Like, what if I just let myself BE, and stop fighting and trying so hard? And when I thought of that, I could feel a little bit of space inside of me opening up, a little place where it wasn't all so ugly and dark and loud. Maybe a little place where I can rest for a minute.

I want to hang on to that place, even if it's just tiny right now.

At the end of session, I asked T if he was mad at me this week. First he said, "I was frustrated"...but then he admitted that he was angry. He said when he read my e-mail, he literally slapped his hand on the desk and said "*****!". We talked about the things I said in my e-mails, and how they SO undermined our work together. I told him that I was so angry too. It's so unlike me to really let it all out like that, but I did. We talked about rupture and repair, and how healing it can be.

And then T pulled out his appt book and said "oh, wow...here's an example of how angry I was" and he had scheduled someone else in my standing appt time on Monday! He offered to call and move that person's appt (which I really appreciated), but we were able to work out another time. I guess T is a real person after all

Anyhow, it feels like things moved forward a little today, with T, and with myself. I just have to be okay with where I'm at, and take care of my like one of my sick kids, and know I won't be "sick" forever, just like they're not.

I guess the first step out of "I'm unlovable" is loving myself through it. It doesn't even make sense, but there it is.

[mixedup_emotions]

((( Tree )))

What an awesome analogy. I love that you are working to find that place within you right now to get the rest that you need.

And I love how human your T is....and that he too feels real feelings for you.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by treehouse

And I started thinking of my insides like my sick kids. Like, what if I just say to myself "you feel unlovable and stupid. it feels awful and I bet you wish it would just end. it's okay. just rest and know that you won't feel like this forever". Like, what if I just let myself BE, and stop fighting and trying so hard? And when I thought of that, I could feel a little bit of space inside of me opening up, a little place where it wasn't all so ugly and dark and loud. Maybe a little place where I can rest for a minute.

I want to hang on to that place, even if it's just tiny right now.

This ^ sounds like a very excellent plan!

[WePow]

((((Tree))))

Oh how I understand that internal flu feeling! Ugggggs! I dispise that emotion so much!!

I am glad you were able to work things out with your T. That is the one rock you have that you really need.

[PTSDlovemycats]

I am glad that the two of you were able to discuss it and that your T was honest with you.

[BlackCanary]

wow!! that's a big bunch of emotion out of a therapist!
He scheduled someone in YOUR time

Does he need a little vacation?