Most recent session with T & global warming

Mostly needed to hear myself talk....

I was talking to T last session on how badly I had wanted to take her class in grad school (This was long before she was my T). I told her how I had mixed feelings about it because I knew I would get a C even though I would know all the material. She asked why and I explained that it was the same reason I got a C in the class I took with a prof who works in the same building she does......

The first time we (T and I) met was at an event in grad school. I remember the very warm "So you're Omers" followed by an introduction... which confused me as we knew who each other were. We chatted a moment before she put her hand on my shoulder and directed me to sit near her. I don't remember the event because it felt too good to be sitting next to her. She reminded me of all the things I was missing from "home" (my college). I learned all I could about her and discovered she was the same type of person I used to hang with in college... Adoration hit hard and fast intensified by the anguish of culture shock and homesickness. So... If I took her class my perfectionism and need to please her would be in overdrive so my term paper would, ultimately be turned in late.

... T stared at me silently... painful silence... then the dreaded "I need to think about this a minute"... more silence... (insert non existent emoticon biting its nails here)

"You care about how I perceive you?" Now it was my turn to create silence. For once she broke the silence after she asked a question... "Do you care what I think of you here?". The tears streaming down my face seemed answer enough for her... "I hope I didn't do anything to make you think you had to prove yourself to me to be here". I told her no, I had to prove myself to her from that first moment when she put her arm around me.

Ahhh... Aspi strikes again!..

Because of the aspergers I don't express emotions well... it tends to be all or nuthin'. She had been getting a lot of the nuthin' since we had been working together. I think she thought that she was "just" my T... I used her for insight and clarification and left. She said she had been mirroring the distance she felt from me. We had a wonderful talk about how much she meant to me, why she meant so much to me and why it wasn't just transference.

Now for the global warming part.

* Poof * warm fuzzy T! OK, not as fuzzy as some of your T's but this was shock enough!

On my way down the stairs out of the building she quietly got my attention, put her hands together and said "Namaste". I proceeded to fall down the stairs tears streaming down my face as I stumbled to my car... and cried for a good long time before being able to drive.

(((Omers)))) That sounds warm & fuzzy to me! I am so glad you had the opportunity to be able to tell her this and I love her response

I LOVE this. Thank you for sharing it with us

that's cool Omers...I am so happy that you were able to express yourself, and that your T drew in closer as you needed her to.

Ooomerzzz.....awwe.

How lovely Omers. Thank you so much for sharing.

I'm so glad that after getting the 'nothing' for a while, that day you felt able to show T 'all', and that she was able to respond in kind

warm and fuzzy indeed.....that is so lovely! I'm glad you could have this kind of time with T; thanks for sharing!

That's amaaazing! Wow. She sounds like she really cares.

Is there any bigger compliment than saying "I don't want to disappoint you?" It sounds like you have a really challenging great relationship.

She is an amazing woman, one of the reasons why I want to work with her SO badly. I learned in 17 years of therapy that I don't want to work with someone that doesn't live a life like the one I have as a goal. Not that they can't make mistakes or have "baggage" but they need to know how to get to where I want to go.

The other AWESOME T moment was when she looked at me and said "do you think if you get better you can never come back here?" "You can always come back if you want my help with something or need to talk." One of the things I hated most about the idea of therapy is that the relationship is totally dependent on the client being "sick" but once you are better you have to give up the one person who motivated you and held you through it all. Just didn't seem like a healthy paradigm. Healthy for me is wanting her help as opposed to needing her help. I will never be perfect, there will always be something I want to make better somehow.

Now for some really BIG challenges. The doors are wide open now, there are a lot of things I need to ask of her to help me heal that she may not understand. I hope that she is able to trust me as much as I am trusting her.

Omers, your T sounds amazing. And it must be very comforting to know that your T welcomes you to continue with her even after you have healed.