[anderson]

Life at times can be so confusing, here we are in our apartment, yet we still have fear. For the past three years the people that we thought we could trust kept turning their backs on us now that we have some security we still have people testing us to see how much we can remember as a unit.
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We were so shocked when last week the truck that was reposed when we lost the ability to feel safe at work and around certain people. Showed up in our neiborhood When I saw it we started to remember the abuse that we had to endure until we gave up not only on ourselves but the people that said that they would be there only to a group of liars come between us. We were not perfect, we were remembering past abuse but some how a past pdoc and T started to show up then old supervisors. It was then that it seemed like everything that we had worked so hard was lost. Just from alters sharing and t's backing up our abusers saying that we were confusing them with past abusers, that there was no way that the people that we named could have hurt us.
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We had a major panic attack the last time we went to a T appointment at her office. Our safe person was late so we went inside alone. He was there within a few minutes but our little ones could only think about how the others hurt us. How can any one learn to trust again if the new T refuses to let us meet at a safe until we can see if she will just repeat the type of therapy that the others before here did. What kind of therapy is it telling your client that the abuse you are enduring is all in your head and that we should not focus on why our co-workers say to us.
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The most ironic part is that we need to meet a T once a month to stay in our apartment. We now again have a T that will schedule to meet us at the safe place but the last two she canceled. Why can’t we get a T to understand that those within are terrified of being alone with a T in a room by our self’s. Better yet why can’t we get someone that we feel safe with go with us and not act like we need them for something else like we need to use them for something.
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We have people telling us to right complaint but when we tried to do it we were asked if we need to do in treatment because we were issues of confusing our past and present. So that is that. For almost ten years we tried to prove that we were more then our abusive past just to find out from our last supervisor that Our T’s and Pdoc were helping the co-workers learn to work with us. Ya right!
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We do have all these emotions and memoirs. During the last time we went to our safe place with our safe person. We found out that we would not see her; we were told that we were there so we were covered. But that did not matter to our little ones. One of our smaller protectors kicked us back and went off on him. She told him for all of us that trust is a two way street. We know that there are good T’s out there we had them before. But she has to accept us for whom and what we are, not what others want us to be. And if she wants us to trust her then she has to let all of us to feel safe before we can trust her.
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We got so scared afterwards that we would get hurt. That did not happen but he did check to see if we could remember the next time we saw him. We asked if she had rescheduled, he said no. We go in next week to call her from his office. Those within are scared what if we can’t find a T that will work with us and not disregard the fear that we have learned to feel from past T’s. It sucks that our housing is depending on the same group of people that made us feel this way. Those within feel like the small group of people that used the place of power hurt us also took the support and trust of those that we trusted before the memoirs of past to and present abuse made it hard to trust anyone fully.
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We now have a dog that we are training to be a service dog. We told someone today that she has become both our pacifier and our security blanket. Those within are just wondering when can we trust a human being again like that.
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Sorry for being long winded just feel overwhelmed. We had a couple of panic attacks. We stayed indoors for a couple of days we even talk with our neibors when walking sasha. But we still only felt safe in our home. We have come a long way from being so scared that we could not defend our selves to being able to speak up for what we need. So why does the old fear keep sneaking up on us ?

[googley]

(((((((((anderson))))))))

I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time right now.

[WikidPissah]

I really hope that you find a T that you can feel safe with quickly.

[elliemay]

Who is we? Are you in couples counseling?

In any case I'm sorry you are having a hard time. It can be a long road to trust, that's for sure.

Take care.

[Hunny]

(((Anderson)))

Just asking, is this Therapist the same one you had before, as in before or is she just connected to that rat bag? You don't have to answer, if not want to.

Hunny

[lastyearisblank]

It definitely sucks, ((Anderson)). Can you print this out and bring it to your therapist? You explained it very well here and if the two of you can go through this whole thing together, with her asking questions, she might understand too.

You deserve a right to privacy. I hope you will bring that up with her. Big hugs!