Well, I'm officially taking a break.

I was so anxious when I went in. I knew what I wanted to do, and I knew that I wanted it to be drama-free and truthful and okay.

So, I just went and told T that I really feel like it's time for a break.

We talked about the "misses" we've had lately. He felt bad, because he knows how much those sorts of things push on my core issues...fear of being "too much", fear of being too needy, fear of asking for things, fear of not really being loved. I told him that it's true that my feelings are hurt, but that I don't feel angry, or like I am mad at T and want to run away. I can see in the larger context of our relationship that they were just "misses", AND it feels a little risky to take more chances right now. T understood.

And I told him that I just think I need a break. I feel stuck, I feel like I don't want to go where we're going in therapy. I've worked REALLY HARD for the past 3 1/2 years, and I want to step back and get perspective and just "be". He got that too. He told me he took a break from his own therapy at one point for the same reason, and then he went back when he was ready.

He said he trusts me, and us.

I asked if we could have some sort of mini-closure. He said he wasn't sure how to do that, but we tried. He said that really, he felt a lot of sadness inside. I did too. I cried on and off for a lot of the session. I told him that even though I feel sad, it feels right. And I told him that I don't want to be mad at him OR me. He said he liked that, and when we picture the session, we should picture that in a little word balloon over our heads.

I said that my fear is that I will take the "misses" over the past couple of weeks and turn them into a story in my head...that I WAS too much, that T needed me to go away, etc. We talked about how we could prevent that from happening, but I told him I know from experience in therapy that I need to EXPERIENCE things to believe them, and I know I am taking away the chance to have that experience. So. I am just going to try to trust T, and me, and our relationship, and be really aware and not let myself go down that path that would make me so sad.

T said this is another thing for the "why therapy sucks" list that we made. That we need boundaries and they're important and good, but that sometimes they're super hard. Yep.

I started crying more towards the end, because I didn't know if I wanted him to sit with me, if I wanted a message, etc. In the end, I did ask him to sit with me, he did. We held hands and I cried some. He told me that whatever happens, he wants me to know that I'm an incredible person, that people are lucky to have me in their lives, that I've had a big impact on him. He said that it will feel strange to not see me on Mondays at 1 and Thursdays at 9. I told him to not forget about me, and he said he could never forget about me.

At the end he wrapped his arms waaaaay around me and gave me a big, long hug. I cried on his white shirt . And when I said "okay" (which is my "thanks for the hug, I'm done" signal), he wrapped his arms a little more and gave me a big squeeze. We stood and looked at each others eyes before I left and he had tears.

And that was pretty much it. I walked through the waiting room sobbing (but no one was there) and I sat in my car for a while in the parking lot. And then I just took a big, big breath and drove home. I called to ask for a message after I left, and I told him thank you, because I forgot to say that. I told him that I love him.

So. It's a sunny, beautiful day, I am here with my boys and my cats and my dog, and my heart hurts, and I'm okay. I don't know how long I'll be "on break", but I know T's door is open, and when I'm ready, I can go back.

Wow. It's weird to feel SO sad and still feel like it's "right". But I do, and it is.

[sittingatwatersedge]

treehouse

[mixedup_emotions]

Wow, what a beautiful session....there's so much love and caring in this relationship that you have with T. I hope you find the break useful....((( BIG HUGS )))

[nannypat]

Wow. You really handle that so well.I could hep crying for you as I read this, not so much because of sadness but because good-byes(even if just for a while) are so hard with someone you have been so close to. I hope this gives you the time you need. I am so moved I don.t know what else is right to say. {{hugs}}

I just went through my calendar and crossed off all of the sessions t and I had scheduled (we had already scheduled sessions through mid-april). I saw my time opening up. And I just balanced my checkbook, and didn't have to plan money for T into my budget for this paycheck. I saw more money in my checkbook.

It's what's right, and it hurts, and I SO need hugs.

[Suratji]

Amazing! You're so strong. I'm very impressed.

[mixedup_emotions]

((((( BIG HUGS, TREE )))))

Just remember, you can always go back when you're ready. The door is open....

[rainbow8]

tree--

[nannypat]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I just went through my calendar and crossed off all of the sessions t and I had scheduled (we had already scheduled sessions through mid-april). I saw my time opening up. And I just balanced my checkbook, and didn't have to plan money for T into my budget for this paycheck. I saw more money in my checkbook.

It's what's right, and it hurts, and I SO need hugs.

Sending you all I can

[Sweetlove]

((((((((((((Tree)))))))))))))

I got tears in my eyes reading this. Being in the same position before, I know the HUGE dilemma and the terror of having to decide. I think both you and T have decided beautifully but also painfully. I can only imagine the mixed feelings and emotions you are having...it truly pains me to think about it.

I hope you find some peace soon....remember, this is not "goodbye", this is "see you later". You can choose to start back up whenever you want. This break is for YOU not for him.

Sending you TONS and TONS of hugs and LOTS of love

[Liam Grey]

That must have been so tough.

Stay strong!

[SpiritRunner]

(((((((((tree))))))))) even though that sounds so intensely emotional and hard, it also sounds so beautiful, so heart-to-heart ......what a wonderful T you have to go back to when you are ready. you ARE so strong to do this and I hope it is healing for you.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Tree I found these, they must be yours

[WePow]

((((((((((((Tree))))))))))))))

Wow. You can do this and be healthy - and you ARE doing it.
BIG BIG hugs for you!!

[seventyeight]

treehouse,

just a thought - maybe you needed to do this just to practice, to see how the end might actually be if/when you do say goodbye to your therapist. i'm sure this isn't all that profound of a thought, but just something that came to mind when i read your post. and the good news is that you can do it (say goodbye).

maybe you just needed to figure some of this out, before you're willing to continue therapy. if you don't know how the "detaching" will go, then to continue to attach seems like it would be difficult. (and you'll always be connected, that's not the same thing.) just a quick thought on the matter..

and here're some hugs as well

78

Wow. What a day this is.

I don't have a lot of "down time" in my days, so I came home and life keeps happening. I did give my two youngest the day off of school, but all of my boys have had music lessons around town, my youngest and I went to the grocery store, etc. I keep crying. My family is all like " oh my gosh, are you OKAY?" and I keep telling them I am, but I'm sad. So many tears!

I need some space to feel my feelings, so I am going to go to a meditation meeting tonight so I can just be with what's going on inside. I know i will cry, in public, but it will be okay. It's a bunch of buddhists who can accept my big feelings.

When my heart hurt likes this, it reminds me how fragile and painful things can be...and how in the midst of that, there is still all of this love and kindness and sunshine. I guess the pain makes me feel everything a little more keenly...

It's funny. For the past month or two, I've felt sooooooo stifled in Ts office. I'm sitting there and I just want to be OUTSIDE. I think something inside has been pushing me toward this break. There have been times when Ts office was where I wanted to be more than anywhere else, but not right now. I want to be somewhere BIGGER, out in the world with my boys and my friends and the sunshine. I'm just going to trust that I'll feel the same push I felt to take a break when it's time for me to go back.

I never thought I could say goodbye to t, even for a little while, and here i am doing it. And 78, maybe it is practice for a big goodbye to come. Or maybe months will go by and I'll realize I'm really okay, and this will be the goodbye. It's so odd not knowing, but I am trying to trust me the way t trusts me.

It's odd how love and sadness and movement and openness and pain and okay-ness can all be wrapped up in the same package.

[elliemay]

I know this took a lot of courage. It always does, trusting yourself and guiding your own ship.

This time may be a period of immense personal growth, when you can exhale and connect with the world around you instead of inside you.

What a wonderful way to celebrate spring and re-birth and color.

I know it's bittersweet, it has to be. Right?

But this is Tree's time. If it were me, I would take a little of the money in your checkbook and get yourself, or someone you love something very very good.

Maybe buy some plants and put them in the ground as a family. Maybe you could actually get a tree (a pretty one!) and put it in the ground to honor Tree time.

Blessed Be. Indeed.

[googley]

(((((((((((((Tree))))))))))))))

Lots of hugs for you. This is a really big step.

[granite1]

[WikidPissah]

((((((((((((((((((((((TREE))))))))))))))))))))))
Huge ginormous hugs for you! The first couple weeks will be really hard, but then you start scheduling things on those days just to get by them, and it heals...it really does. These are for your:

[googley]

Tree-
Don't be surprised if you go through the stages of grief. Even if you see yourself going back in the future. I know when I had to stop T because I was moving (going to school, so a positive reason), I still went through the stages. But it will get better.

[zooropa]

oh, god. This makes me cry, Tree. It is so beautiful and so sad all at once. I am so proud of you for doing what feels right, for listening to your wise mind. And I feel the pain of saying goodbye. I am crying real, actual tears. I love you, Tree. I hope your break doesn't include taking a break from PC, but if it does, we will be here when you want to come back.

Originally Posted by zooropa

I hope your break doesn't include taking a break from PC, but if it does, we will be here when you want to come back.

I'm still here

I am SO used to T just "being there". Tonight I had a super awkward run in with someone, that was kind of horrifying and kind of funny, and it was the sort of thing I would usually leave on T's voice mail. But I can't right now.

So, I called a friend and told her instead and she totally got it (probably more than T would anyhow, since she knows the other person), and we chatted for a while. And I realized that maybe this is what will happen. I am USED to reaching out, but it's usually to T, even though I have lots of friends. I am going to have to reach out to friends when I am sad or happy or overwhelmed or just want to connect. Maybe that will be part of the lesson in this.

I know there is a good chance I will want to go back as my appointment times approach, but I am just going to make myself wait it out. I think there is a reason for this, although I don't know what it is yet. Maybe to learn to connect more with others, maybe to learn to trust myself without T as backup, maybe to hook more into the world around me and less into my own internal stuff. I want to take a long enough break to be able to find out.

T left me a message It was so open and loving. It made me feel special and important to T.

I'm so glad you guys are here, because it means so much to have someone who GETS it.

[ECHOES]

(((tree))) I love that you had a good experience with sharing with a friend tonight. The timing was great!

I also love that you decided to do this and see how it goes. And that T was so gentle and caring about it.

I have tried several times to take a break but I never end up doing it. The last time, I wanted to catch up on finances and then go back; what happened was that T, without my asking, lowered her already reduced rate so I only have to pay $50 a week. I love that she did that, but I also still want to know what it's like to take a short break.

Originally Posted by ECHOES

I have tried several times to take a break but I never end up doing it. The last time, I wanted to catch up on finances and then go back; what happened was that T, without my asking, lowered her already reduced rate so I only have to pay $50 a week. I love that she did that, but I also still want to know what it's like to take a short break.

I've thought about breaks a lot over the years. I remember the first time I told T I was going to take a break he said "I don't think that's a good idea right now". He was SO right.

I'm not sure why the breaks (after that first attempt) haven't happened...if it was me changing my mind, or T changing my mind, or both. I know he wants me to be safe and happy, and would discourage me from taking a break in the middle of really hard work, or a crisis, or without coping skills or whatever.

I guess this time must have felt different to both of us.

He sent me such a final sounding e-mail (which was so loving and kind but FINAL sounding) that I actually e-mailed him back for reassurance that I can still come back I know I can, intellectually, but I think I need it in writing. I should have had him sign a contract or soemthing