I did it

They are so good to us when they discourage us from taking a break to avoid or run.

Now I'm imagining my T saying 'okay' to my saying I'm going to take a break and I'm feeling kind of about that.

The email he sent you that sounded so final. I wonder if he meant it to. I'm thinking he didn't. I also wonder if he's wondering how you are doing

I did wonder how it would feel when T agreed to me taking a break. It was really clear that it was MY decision, and it was pretty clear that he didn't want me to take a break, but that he respected what I need to do right now. It helped that it didn't go:
Me: I want to take a break
T: OKAY!

He replied to my e-mail asking for reassurance about coming back, and he said that the break is just part of our journey together, and that I can come back in weeks, or months, or whenever I want to. So now I have it in WRITING.

In the final sounding e-mail one of the things he said was:
Your gifts will stay on my desk, your energy will find a place to hang around and your influence and impact on my life will be forever known.

I love T so much. I am so sad. Oy.

I think I will take Ellie's suggestion and plant things. I wanted desperately to hike with my boys today after session, but I can't walk until I'm better. So, planting things that grow outside feels right.

Tree, I am litterally in AWE of your maturity and wisdom. I am CERTAIN that the reason T will miss you so much is because he does see what a wonderful person you are to just be around.

What you are doing with talking things over with friends is so healthy. I bet your T is delighted to see how his work did work! A doctor loves it when the medicine they give a patient does the trick and allows them to get well.

Thank you tons for sharing what your T wrote to you. That is an amazing connection and bond.

And you are doing this the way my T and I both feel is the right way for the therapy/client relationship to work if it can work this way. I asked him if there would be a day when he just told me my therapy was "done" and I wouldn't see him again. He said that the therapy relationship can be "life-long" if it is healthy. That was when he told me that he has his own T (after going through over 20 different Ts to find his match) and how sometimes he can go many months without needing to see him. But his T is there and he knows it. Then something may come up and he will call his T and his T tells him to come on in. He works on whatever it is that is too big for him or his inner friends and then he is good to go again for a while.

I sense that is what you have now with your T. Just like a good parent, someone who is always there for you, but allows you the healthy space and freedom you need. Someone who can be separated from you without hurting you because you do need that space.

My hats off to both you and your T for your amazing work!