A New Start

WePow · Mar 23, 2011, 05:53 AM

Well, today I am going back to see my T.
A lot has changed for me inside. And I am inspired by so many of the wonderful and hard working people here on PC who keep on moving forward even when therapy is very painful.

So today feels different. I feel like today will be the ending of some of the harder things and the start of a new way of doing therapy. I was so exhausted that I could no longer do therapy "my" way ... I am ready to be an open book now and learn how to get what my T has to teach me.

It feels very strange to be at this place.

sittingatwatersedge · Mar 23, 2011, 06:00 AM

WePow

you have already gained so much wisdom - it shows in your posts here. Sounds like you have really come a long way! I wish you the very best with it.

if by chance you need someone to come along today, I'm available

WePow · Mar 23, 2011, 06:12 AM

((((SAWE))))) I will be honored to have you come along for my journey these few steps!!

Mar 23, 2011, 06:16 AM

(((((((WePow))))))))))))

I hope your session is just what you need it to be today

WePow · Mar 23, 2011, 06:46 AM

It is so strange because all the talk about hugs and T along with trust issues (I have a hard time with trust) just make me have a need to "hammer out" things with my T.
The OCD part of my brain is in hyper panic mode that he will suddenly change everything on me and there I will be out in the dark. So that is one of the things I need to be open about.

It is not helping that here at work my manager suddenly thought it would be a good idea to have a few of us "senior leads" share a desk on the inside of the team room and outside the room and rotate every other week.

OK ... what part of me being OCD did that guy not get !!! My T on Monday said "Is he out of his mind!!??"

And I told my boss that yesterday in our mtg!
Seriously man! I had a total breakdown one year ago which was greatly influenced by major changes. You know I have Complex PTSD and DID along with OCD.. and you want me to share a desk with someone and rotate my work environment every other fregin week!! ???? ARE YOU INSANE!!!!

Just for the visual, I have been at MY desk now for 8 years solid. I have no personal stuff on my desk - I keep everything exactly lined up the way I need it to be. And I don't like anyone to be in that space for any reason.

Anyway, I managed to make my stand about that with my boss yesterday, but I am so exhausted from just so much shifting all around me. I know I need to deal better with change, but it makes me shut down. I want to go do something that can't be undone by anyone else!! And that is not good. Or go live under a rock and shut the world out. That isn't good.

So I need to see if at least I can manage to find a rock with my T. I need something solid under my feet.

Suratji · Mar 23, 2011, 08:15 AM

Even without me having OCD, the thought of such a change being demanded of me would send me spinning also. If I'm the one making the change, it's o.k. but coming from the outside is not something many of us would find comfortable.

I think it's great that you're trying another way with T. I kept questioning my T about her recommendations. I didn't resist because I was stubborn. It was more that I just couldn't understand. Slowly and slowly I'm getting it and I'm trusting that she's right and I'm taking a leap of faith and doing it her way.

granite1 · Mar 23, 2011, 08:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WePow

Well, today I am going back to see my T.
A lot has changed for me inside. And I am inspired by so many of the wonderful and hard working people here on PC who keep on moving forward even when therapy is very painful.

So today feels different. I feel like today will be the ending of some of the harder things and the start of a new way of doing therapy. I was so exhausted that I could no longer do therapy "my" way ... I am ready to be an open book now and learn how to get what my T has to teach me.

It feels very strange to be at this place.

wepow i wish you so much luck and careing on this new way and journey.you have come so far and work so hard

SpiritRunner · Mar 23, 2011, 09:06 AM

((((((((WePow)))))))) I am thinking of you.....even though a new start might feel odd, maybe it's the start of a new era in a way, a good fresh one!

karebear1 · Mar 23, 2011, 09:08 AM

You sound very peaceful about going to your session today WePow. I wish I could feel that way about T. I hope it is all you dream it will be. Somehow....... I think it will be.

Sweetlove · Mar 23, 2011, 11:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WePow

So today feels different. I feel like today will be the ending of some of the harder things and the start of a new way of doing therapy. I was so exhausted that I could no longer do therapy "my" way ... I am ready to be an open book now and learn how to get what my T has to teach me.

It feels very strange to be at this place.

(((((((Wepow))))))))
THIS takes sooooooo much strength. When I finally decided to just let go, take down my wall and put my trust in T, it was so freeing. I honestly don't know why I kept it in for so long (well, I know why, but now it seems rediculous). My T tells me that I still have a tendency to revert back to my old ways, or say something that is the "old me", but it doesn't happen that much anymore.

I think it's great that you are going to be an open book and let your T teach you...it will be very refreshing and well worth it. You deserve to be healthy and happy.

I hope the session goes well. I'm sure your T will be very welcoming of your new way of therapy. I'll be thinking of you

Mar 23, 2011, 10:21 PM

How did it go today, WePow?

lastyearisblank · Mar 23, 2011, 10:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WePow

Or go live under a rock and shut the world out. That isn't good.

So I need to see if at least I can manage to find a rock with my T. I need something solid under my feet.

Eek! I know that rock. Hope T helps!

WePow · Mar 24, 2011, 05:39 AM

(((((Tree))))) ((((((((LY)))))))))

Thank you for asking about me. Last night we had a power outage, so I wasn't able to get onto PC. Now it is time to go into work, but wanted to drop a fast reply.

My T is taking off today and Friday for an outing... so I was his last client yesterday. He actually made time FOR me in the midst of his getting ready to go on his break :-)

The session was one of the most healing sessions ever! To start with, T turned OFF his laptop totally and he turned off his cell phone!! He made it a point to let me know he wanted to put all his focus on ME and the healing we were doing.

I didn't want to sit on the couch, so I sat on the floor by the couch. Then T got out of his chair and sat infront of it with his legs stretched out to the couch and just "joined" me there on the floor. Then we did our session and processing some of my key things from the past along with him guiding me through mental imagry as I went back to a few key memories and confronted the abuser at the time. It was like I was standing there along with my T and able to talk to the perp and yell at him.

By the time I was done, my younger alter part was crying in amazement because I had stood up "for her" to the abuser and had been yelling at him to leave that little girl alone.

I can't describe in words how wonderful this session was. T was also amazed :-)

Suratji · Mar 24, 2011, 05:43 AM

WePow - I'm so happy for you.

Mar 24, 2011, 05:56 AM

((((((((((((((WePow)))))))))))))))))

I am so proud of you for asking for what you needed, and of T for really hearing you and giving it to you. I breathed a big sigh of relief reading about your session.

I hope things feel a little more peaceful inside.

WePow · Mar 24, 2011, 06:21 AM

They do for sure. A lot more peaceful and silent. It is in these times when I know therapy pays off. It takes a lot of set-up work and session time to prepare for these very big sessions. Sometimes it is easy to get frustrated thinking therapy is tossing money out the window, but the truth is that when you keep working it and putting in the effort, and have a good T, it does pay off.

rainbow8 · Mar 24, 2011, 08:32 AM

Your session makes me feel happy inside for you, WePow!

I'm glad it went so well!!!!!

SpiritRunner · Mar 24, 2011, 01:56 PM

wonderful, WePow!

googley · Mar 24, 2011, 04:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WePow

It is so strange because all the talk about hugs and T along with trust issues (I have a hard time with trust) just make me have a need to "hammer out" things with my T.
The OCD part of my brain is in hyper panic mode that he will suddenly change everything on me and there I will be out in the dark. So that is one of the things I need to be open about.

It is not helping that here at work my manager suddenly thought it would be a good idea to have a few of us "senior leads" share a desk on the inside of the team room and outside the room and rotate every other week.

OK ... what part of me being OCD did that guy not get !!! My T on Monday said "Is he out of his mind!!??"

And I told my boss that yesterday in our mtg!
Seriously man! I had a total breakdown one year ago which was greatly influenced by major changes. You know I have Complex PTSD and DID along with OCD.. and you want me to share a desk with someone and rotate my work environment every other fregin week!! ???? ARE YOU INSANE!!!!

Just for the visual, I have been at MY desk now for 8 years solid. I have no personal stuff on my desk - I keep everything exactly lined up the way I need it to be. And I don't like anyone to be in that space for any reason.

Anyway, I managed to make my stand about that with my boss yesterday, but I am so exhausted from just so much shifting all around me. I know I need to deal better with change, but it makes me shut down. I want to go do something that can't be undone by anyone else!! And that is not good. Or go live under a rock and shut the world out. That isn't good.

So I need to see if at least I can manage to find a rock with my T. I need something solid under my feet.

(((((((((((WePow))))))))))

I think your boss is crazy!!!!!!!! I don't have OCD and would totally be frazzled by the idea of changing desks every week. How would people know where to find you when they need you? What about getting phone calls at the right desk? It just sounds insane. I hope he changes his mind.

granite1 · Mar 24, 2011, 04:47 PM

wepow thanks for letting us know how it went

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