[SpiritRunner]

Had session today and now I feel so shaky, so much to process!
We talked a bit more about the no hug/touch thing and she told me she really never touches at all, except to hug clients sometimes after an emotionally intense session. So she wanted to know if that made it easier for me to accept.....well, knowing most everybody never asks/gets touch from her, nothing to be envious of anyone else about!And to sort of get to think that getting hugs after most sessions was kind of like an exception I got for a while.....that helps. Anyway, she has been good at helping me feel cared for and validated the last couple sessions without the hugs....so I think it will be all right.
What I need to put the trigger for is the mention of SA - we talked about a memory I have from 7 yrs old, when an older, bigger neighbor boy 'practiced' stuff on me while his sister acted as lookout.....I have had this memory before, but dismissed it as no big deal. Except, it is......so I took a deep breath and told T I wanted to tell her something....and I did. And I felt so shaky and trembly and distant somehow and without breath......she told me it was like visceral reactions in my body to the memory. It sucks......it still sucks. I feel shaky, shaken, a knot in my heart.....but T was so gentle and compassionate with me, I almost cried. My lips quivered but no tears.....oh if only I could cry - I would cry a river, or an ocean!

[PTSDlovemycats]

Oh Poetgirl! ((((((HUGS!))))))

[PleaseHelp]

(((poetgirl))) I am sorry you had a rough session. But it was good to get it out. I've only shared with my bf some of the sexual abuse I went through. It's tough to talk about. I'm glad you have an understanding T. Alow yourself to cry if you can. Sending you gentle hugs.

[WePow]

((((((((((((((((PG)))))))))))))))

[Suratji]

Poetgirl - I'm so glad you told her. I think you will now begin to be able to begin the healing process from the pain of that terrible time.

And, we have to somehow stop dismissing our painful experiences as "no big deal"

[karebear1]

I wish I had words for you PG- I just feel awful for you.

(((((((((((poetgirl))))))))))))

Sessions like that are so hard...and even harder, I think, once we get home and are alone in our head with our thoughts.

You will cry when you are ready. It took me time to really feel my feelings...when we've shut them down, told ourselves "it's not a big deal", all of that...it can be such a well-honed and effective defense mechanism that it takes a while to unlearn it. I had to slowly learn to feel my feelings. It was almost like my brain was protecting me...first I felt "some" and it felt overwhelming...then later, I was able to feel a little more and a little more and a little more. Almost like training for a marathon...we can't go from sitting on the couch to running 26 miles...there is a process of training our bodies. That's how learning to feel my feelings was for me.

Just telling the story is such a big, big, big first step. It must have felt really scary and awful It sounds like T was just how you needed her to be. Let that compassion in if you can, because that is what you deserve.

Be extra gentle with you today.

Sending love and to you

[SpiritRunner]

thanks all for the support, care and hugs! I needed that.....

Originally Posted by treehouse

(((((((((((poetgirl))))))))))))

Sessions like that are so hard...and even harder, I think, once we get home and are alone in our head with our thoughts.

You will cry when you are ready. It took me time to really feel my feelings...when we've shut them down, told ourselves "it's not a big deal", all of that...it can be such a well-honed and effective defense mechanism that it takes a while to unlearn it. I had to slowly learn to feel my feelings. It was almost like my brain was protecting me...first I felt "some" and it felt overwhelming...then later, I was able to feel a little more and a little more and a little more. Almost like training for a marathon...we can't go from sitting on the couch to running 26 miles...there is a process of training our bodies. That's how learning to feel my feelings was for me.

Just telling the story is such a big, big, big first step. It must have felt really scary and awful It sounds like T was just how you needed her to be. Let that compassion in if you can, because that is what you deserve.

Be extra gentle with you today.

Sending love and to you

tree, thank you for this! yes, it is so hard to come home and be with the thoughts in my head and with the feelings coming....I am having such a mix of emotions I can't sort them out. I feel shaky, sick, I feel disgusted/disgusting, dirty like I should scrub myself hard.....T wanted me to just sit and think a little bit to see if I could remember how I felt then, but all I could say was 'weird'. And I can't remember any sounds, but she said traumatic memories are like that, parts are blocked out in some way....she mentioned dissociation. So I can't really remember how I really felt, but I know how I feel now!
I like your analogy about becoming ready to cry.....can't go from sitting to a marathon, can't go from repressing tears to crying an ocean of them, can't go from feeling so unsafe crying in front of anyone to actually being vulnerable and doing so in the snap of a finger! I know the ocean is in there though.....and I can feel the pressure of it pushing at me from way own deep....I can only imagine what it will feel like to be free of that pressure.

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by PleaseHelp

(((poetgirl))) I am sorry you had a rough session. But it was good to get it out. I've only shared with my bf some of the sexual abuse I went through. It's tough to talk about. I'm glad you have an understanding T. Alow yourself to cry if you can. Sending you gentle hugs.

I wanted to reply longer to you too, PleaseHelp. Yes, it feels better to have said it than wait any longer. I'm sorry that you understand my pain because you suffered abuse too.....I'm glad you do have someone to share with about it, and hope you can sometime share it with an understanding T, too!

[rainbow8]

Poetgirl: Therapy is hard work and processing that memory is going to take time. Be patient with yourself. You did great! I can understand feeling shaky about it! I also know how it is to want to cry in therapy so badly but the tears don't come out. At my session on Tuesday, when my eyes were closed doing EMDR, I felt a little tear forming and I told my T. But that was it. It will probably happen when we least expect it to, over something seemingly trivial and not over trauma. That's what I think, anyway.

[lastyearisblank]

((((((((((Pg))))))))))))) You'll cry someday! Kudos for the ammmmmazing work this week.

[granite1]

poet girlbiggest hugs ever for being so brave. wow you just said i have something to tell you and you just said it.i can just feel how hard this must have been for you.every part of you must have been so scared about everything.and you did it anyway.i so hope it gets easier for you as you move foward.as far as the crying just imagine how long you have kept this to yourself and how long you have just buried those feelings just to survive.i know when i even write about horrable things that happened to me in my journal it doesnt even feel real at all.it will happen in time i bet.

[Seshat]

We're here for you, PG.

[SpiritRunner]

Thanks so much, everyone....

Originally Posted by granite1

poet girlbiggest hugs ever for being so brave. wow you just said i have something to tell you and you just said it.i can just feel how hard this must have been for you.every part of you must have been so scared about everything.and you did it anyway.i so hope it gets easier for you as you move foward.as far as the crying just imagine how long you have kept this to yourself and how long you have just buried those feelings just to survive.i know when i even write about horrable things that happened to me in my journal it doesnt even feel real at all.it will happen in time i bet.

It wasn't easy, you're right, granite. I was sitting there with my hands over my eyes and mouth, saying, I'm debating whether or not to tell you something. And T said she would give me a moment to debate with myself, and I said, no, I shouldn't debate, I should just tell you.....it was scary, I was shaking so bad. But it's so much better to just have the words out....but so many feelings to work through.
I think the tears will come for me, just as the words, the speaking to T, will come for you, in the right time when we're each ready!

[Sannah]

Good work pgirl........