Curling up emotionally with my T

TRIG WARNING - CSA item.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Well, my mom called me tonight to tell me they found out that an old family "friend" died. She was so shocked because his daughter told people that her father abused her and he was a drunk and such. My mother kept saying how awful it was and asking me if I remembered staying over at their house and all that. UGGGGS! Yes! But I can't tell her what all happened! The answer is yes. But did she even ask me? No. Of course not.

Tonight I wrote my T - he is out of town and won't reply, and that is fine. I know this. But I had to emotionally curl up with my T. I was so glad to know he IS here with me - even when he isn't here. Just the fact that I know if I were telling him about this that he would look deep into my eyes and feel my heart with his heart. That he does care and it is not just about the money. He does care

I am thankful that I have this ability to just rest knowing he holds that space for me. I wish it would have been my mom who could have done this, but she is not strong enough to even ask the hard questions. She can't know how dad traded me to this man that day at the park when I was only 6 yrs old for his daughter who was 10 at the time. I hurt because of this. But I have my T with me in my heart and he is here helping even though he is not here.

((((((((((WePow)))))))))) I am sorry for this, but so thankful you can curl up emotionally with your T in this time of need!

I think, WePow, that what you just wrote here is one of the most comforting things I've read here. Thanks. I needed to read, and take in, what you wrote. I'm sorry for what your dad did. That is just sad beyond words, but I am thankful that you have been able to find comfort in your relationship with your T.

Oh WePow - how sad! I can't imagine such hurt. I glad you have a T who supports you so well. And that you can access him in your heart.

(((((((((((WePow)))))))))))))

I'm so so sorry that happened, and I'm sorry you had to remember it today, and I'm sorry your mom couldn't be there for you then or now.

And I'm SO glad that you can trust T and know that he is there and that he cares. It makes me breathe a big sigh of relief for you...to know that you know that you don't have to deal with it alone anymore. Sometimes T reminds me "you don't have to be alone with that ever again" and it is such a relief, after all of these years of *ALONE* to really know that that is true.

I'm glad you reached out to T, and to PC.

Love and hugs to you...

Yes, thanks for sharing, I know that my time with my T has started me on the road to trust and your words "I have this ability to just rest knowing he holds that space for me."

The holding space for me is something that I felt during my sessions. Thanks for taking it out of the office and into a memory that I can refer to as needed.

Sorry to hear of your past. I am beginning work in CSA.
G1

i feel so sad for this little girl that tis happened to but so proud of you wepow and how you are being able to hold you T in your heart and i hope a bit of love from yourself also

Aw WePow this made my heart warm. My therapist used to do therapy with me at my home. Many parts of me fear my T, because he is a man and the right age, but many parts feel very safe with him also. Whenever I would get really scared at night and my child parts would surface I would do something similar to this where he usually sat or put his bookbag. It made me feel very safe to be "close" to someone without actually touching the person and harming the parts of me who fear touch.

I know that this is in general a longing to be held by someone safe, because I also did not receive it growing up. Children want to be held and it's the only way I knew how to provide it for them in a safe manner.

(((((((Wepow))))))))

I'm sorry you had to hear that today...what a triggering day. AND I'm sorry for everything absoulutely inexcusable that happened to you.

I'm glad you wrote that to your T, let him hold that for you now...even if he can't respond. Take care of youself

((((((((All)))))))))) Thank you so much for your replies and help. I was a bit shy about sharing this but I trust you guys too

It did help me to write my T last night and then just go to sleep without having it in my heart the whole night. Now I am ready to go see the movie PAUL with my best friend and just enjoy the day :-)

Good for you WePow- and I'm happy and relieved to know you had a good night. Have fun at the movie!

WePow, that is really sad to read and I'm sorry you have to carry all of that around with you. I never had any CSA but please know I empathize with you. Glad that you have a nice T.

Thanks so much for sharing this WePow...You are a real inspiration to us all, to find a safe and loving way to deal with what has to be one of life's most harmful experiences.

Sometimes curling up with your therapist in spirit can be a very very good thing to do. Thank you for reminding me of that.

I need to do that this mornng.

((((WePow))))

I hope you are feeling better and could indeed enjoy the weekend -- despite the triggering event.

Well, we found black mold in the house where we should NOT have found it!! UGGG! We are both OCD and very clean. So this totally whacked out the weekend for us with getting moved into a different bedroom so we can get the other fixed.
That took my mind off the trigger for sure!!!