Well.

I mentioned in a post yesterday (that I then deleted) that it feels like I am taking all of the spiraling I used to do in therapy and doing it in real life instead. I think having T as a receptacle for those fears - that i will "get in trouble", that no one will like me, that I will say or do something wrong, that I suddenly won't have any friends - saved me from having them in real life. All of a sudden, I am SO spiraly. I honestly can't tell if it's because I don't have T, or if it's because things are just a little crazy with a couple of my friends right now. I have good friends, but a couple of conflicts have come up (between my 14 year old and their 14 year olds) and somehow the moms are involved...not in a fighting way, at all....just in a "discussing it" kind of way. But wow, am I spirally. I'm afraid I'm going to end up with no friends.

I'm trying to tell myself that I'm just telling myself a story, and that things are going to be okay. But I don't know. I honestly, truly feel like I am about to lose my friends. My 12-step sponsor is out of the country and I don't feel like I can talk to any of my other friends about it without it being "gossip" (although i feel like people are gossiping about me!). So I'm just sitting with it.

It feels awful. I am SO anxious. I know there's nothing I can DO about it right now, and that it may or may not all be in my head and I just have to wait and find out what happens next. I'm trying to be in the moment.

I did reach out to a friend who is completely uninvolved with all of the drama. she knows nothing about it, and I just reached out to say "hi". My drive to connect is so strong...I didn't know how strong it was until i didn't have T to connect with.

Things always feel worse at night, so I am just trying to sit with this and get through it without really really spiraling out. But it's hard, and I feel alone and scared.

[rainbow8]

((((((tree))))))

We're your friends here!!! You're such an unbelievably nice person that it's inconceivable that you're going to lose your friends IRL. That's just not gonna happen, trust me! I'm sure things will like brighter in the morning. If you think you need T, can you just write out an imaginary dialogue with him about this, that would make you feel better tonight? You can post it if you want to.

YOU'RE NOT ALONE!!!!

(((((((Rainbow)))))) Thank you

I just reached out in a clumsy way to a couple of people IRL...maybe it will help.

I probably just need to breathe. Feeling scared and alone sucks!

[googley]

((((((((((((Tree)))))))))))))

[lastyearisblank]

[quote=treehouse;1784524 I think having T as a receptacle for those fears - that i will "get in trouble", that no one will like me, that I will say or do something wrong, that I suddenly won't have any friends - saved me from having them in real life. All of a sudden, I am SO spiraly. [/quote]

Absolutely. This really funny thing happened to me when I started therapy, all my sort of free-floating anxiety about relationships just disappeared... as if it was SHOVED into this one corner of my life...... yeah we have a limited amount of emotional energy, and I think if that worry is not focused on one thing, we will find other places to put it (at least I hope). Maybe just realize that those relationships (your friends) were there this whole time and you were naturally having that relationship without worrying. Nobody is going to reject/abandon you. Anyhow big hugs I can't imagine settling a playground dispute, that sounds incredbly boring and stressful.

I sent it.

Hi T,

I'm still here Are you still there?

This has been quite a week - amazingly wonderful in some ways that I can't wait to tell you about when i come back - and kind of hard in others. It's REALLY helping me see where I've really grown in therapy and where I still have work to do, and it's super helpful. Lots of feelings - good, bad, and in between

In the past day or two, I've started to get pretty spirally about my relationships in general - but mostly with my friends. It's funny - I think I had you to really FOCUS that spirally-ness on, and everything just flowed so smoothly with everyone else. Now that I'm out here in the world, it's starting to pop up, with them instead of you. But it JUST started, and I'm learning this week that sometimes if I can sit with things, or reframe them, or find a way to be accepting of and gentle with myself, the feelings pass and the peace comes back.

I think that this friend spirally thing is probably what will bring me back to therapy though. It's really uncomfortable and kind of scary, and I'm a little alone with it. (12 step sponsor) is in Mexico so I can't talk to her, and talking to other friends about it feels like gossip and I don't want to do that.

BUT! I am getting through it, and I'm finding out that I want to give myself some time to see what I can get through on my own and what's a little too hard still.

I am learning a LOT.

Will you reply? Just so I know you're out there? A cyber finger-touch, I guess.

I hope things are happy and good for you

Tree

And now I'm spirally because I e-mailed T. Oh well, at least it's T spirally and not real life spirally. T spiral is less scary because I KNOW he loves me and wants whats best for me even if he screws up sometimes.

Guess I still need to work on learning to trust my friends. Who are so loving, and I'm so CRAZY. One literally just sent me a message out of nowhere (not one I had reached out to) that said "I ADORE you". In capital letters.

I'm insane. But. STILL glad I'm on break. I need to find these things out. I'll be like a whole new therapy client with a brand new set of issues when i go back!

Just wish nights weren't so hard.

[rainbow8]

tree--

[Sweetlove]

LOVE the email Tree...hope he responds soon

[Oceanwave]

Treehouse, can you possibly talk to someone close to you, like your husband for instance, about what's going on around your friends? It is good to have some real support networks too, with people you can truly rely on in real life -- whether or not you get back in touch with your T.

[sittingatwatersedge]

((((((((((((((( tree )))))))))))))))) you are certainly not insane, you are doing marvellously, and I'm amazed at the strides you are making. I am also glad that you emailed T just because you felt a need to, and you're not beating yourself up for having done so, etc.
This is all good, even if not easy.