[nannypat]

Yesterday was the anniversary of my student's suicide that happened many years ago. It doesn't matter though how long ago it was, though, it still brings on incredible sadness. This is when my life started to unravel. It seemed I had it all, married, three beautiful children, our own home, tenured teaching job working with learning disabled jr.high students, not comfortable, but adequate income.

I thought it was depressive reaction from the suicide.

In reality, I was in an abusive marriage, physically and emotionally, Had dealt with severe neglect, physical, emotional, sexual abuse as a child, and become a mother to my baby brother born when I was ten, ( he was my salvation).

I felt numb, nothing inside, until my student died. All at once I hurt with every fiber of my being. I didn't know what was happening. I had even less knowledge of how to fix it.

So started the years of therapy, but right now I feel the sadness for a child that died. A child that took his own life at 13yrs. old. It was many yrs. ago, but still I cry

[Suratji]

Nannypat, that is so terrible. Of course you still cry. I would too. Death of a child is incomprehensible. Grief has no life span. Will you talk to your T about this?

[Perna]

I'm sorry for the sad thoughts and memories you have but glad you "woke up" as the result of this child's actions and were able to start getting help for yourself.

[Sannah]

And maybe you are also crying for yourself too? I notice that what makes me cry is what is related to my pain.

[granite1]

wow i'm sorry this is such a hard time for you right now .sounds like you have had a lot of pain in your life

[SpiritRunner]

you have reason for tears.......

[nannypat]

Originally Posted by Suratji

Nannypat, that is so terrible. Of course you still cry. I would too. Death of a child is incomprehensible. Grief has no life span. Will you talk to your T about this?

Yes, this event is what initial brought me into therapy because I knew I wanted to follow in his footsteps. What I found under the surface is taking years to try and heal. I am still working at it. Thank you.

[Can't Stop Crying]

sorry...wish I had more words

[nannypat]

Originally Posted by Sannah

And maybe you are also crying for yourself too? I notice that what makes me cry is what is related to my pain.

Yes, I back then I was crying for both of us and maybe so even today. I am no longer in an abusive marriage. I left after trying to make it work for 17 years. I am still trying to heal with the help of my Pdoc(also one of my T's)and my cognitive T. Thanks for your insight.

[nannypat]

Originally Posted by Sannah

And maybe you are also crying for yourself too? I notice that what makes me cry is what is related to my pain.

Yes, back then I was crying for both of us and maybe so even today. I am no longer in an abusive marriage. I left after trying to make it work for 17 years. I am still trying to heal with the help of my Pdoc(also one of my T's)and my cognitive T. Thanks for your insight.

[nannypat]

Originally Posted by Can't Stop Crying

sorry...wish I had more words

No words needed. Sometimes there just aren't any for some feelings.Thank you.

[Sweetlove]

Oh Nannypat that is so sad. I'm so sorry about your student, suicide is something that always stays with you. I hope therapy is helping you work through that lasting pain.

Take care of yourself

[nannypat]

Originally Posted by Sweetlove

Oh Nannypat that is so sad. I'm so sorry about your student, suicide is something that always stays with you. I hope therapy is helping you work through that lasting pain.

Take care of yourself

We are working on it. He was only 13. Thank you.

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by nannypat

We are working on it. He was only 13. Thank you.

The death of a child is so unsettling. It goes against all that we hold dear in life - that life has a future and there is always hope. But when a child dies, those assumptions can die too. How can we reasonably accept this loss of innocence? -the child who is innocent and the hope that is innocent.

It rattles us because what is lost is so much unmet possibility. We had imagined the future of the child. We believed in it. And now, we not only do not have the child with us but also the life that will never unfold the way it should have, we tell ourselves.

And by suicide, the grief will be felt exponentially. All the adults in his life will tear themselves apart imagining the suffering he went through before he made that decision. And all of the adults torture themselves wondering why they missed the signs, why they didn't do something to prevent it.

But,somehow we all must find a way to know, to know that we are powerless in the face of things we cannot control . And we must find a way to believe that it's really going to be o.k. We all make sense of it in our own way but it is imperative to find that way for our own sanity and health but also for others in our lives.

Nannypat, my heart goes out to you. I can only imagine the pain you're feeling.

((((((((((((((nannypat)))))))))))))))

Just wanted to send you some hugs

[Yoda]

I am sorry that the pain doesn't end but I can understand why it doesn't. Thirteen year olds are not supposed to die. It's not right; it's not fair. But we cannot change it.

[lastyearisblank]

((((Nannypat)))) Sending you some hugs!