[jexa]

Sorry guys, I ran away again and am coming here for support right now. Pathetic, I'm so sorry I just can't deal and I don't know what to do. I have no friends right now, none, no one, nothing, no one to rely on, no one. My T is out of town and has been for the last two weeks. I'll see her Thursday.

I am just struggling. I am not even attached to this T, not really I don't think, but I'm just falling apart for no good reason without her. Loneliness, and I always feel angry lately and I don't even know why. Angry about anything.

I seem to be doing okay when I am home, okay enough in and out that is. Crying and then okay, able to be distracted, read a book, been trying to teach myself guitar, doing my yoga DVD. Little periods of freak out but mostly calm. And slowly I feel rested and like I can recuperate.. when I have enough time to just be for a little while. Then every Monday I go back to work and the hatred seeps in.. "I hate my job, I hate my unethical boss." And then, "I hate the world, I hate myself, I just want to die." And then all the thoughts, every little word I say echoes in my head, everything I say sounds wrong, and I'm always saying sorry, sorry, sorry. Pacing around my apartment after work just saying, over and over, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

At work right now, been trying to work all day and my mind is just a fog and has been for weeks. Feeling like I'm failing at work, but I hate this place, don't even want to improve. Not to help them. I hate them, I want to sabotage this place, wish I could burn the whole thing down.

It's the same F***ING story. Again and again. I just don't see there being a solution. What in the world can a T do for me. I keep thinking things will be better once I am in grad school but that is just a cop out. No one wants to be my friend. My friends are gone, there is no one to take care of me if I fall apart anymore. I feel like I'm just treading water and I'm just so tired and I want to quit everything and just sleep for the rest of my life.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Good to hear from you again.

do you have a church family Jexa? it's usually possible to find some gentle people there who don't have a lot of hidden agendas.

you have friends here

[jexa]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

Good to hear from you again.

do you have a church family Jexa? it's usually possible to find some gentle people there who don't have a lot of hidden agendas.

you have friends here

I don't believe in God anymore. I haven't for years.

[granite1]

i know it is so hard to get out of this rut.i know this isnt a quick answer but maybe think about joining a group of some sort carfts at a college or even talke lessons of some kind something that will get you around people other than work.i know it is hard and we dont always want to be around people but it is nice to have sopeone thare when you feel so alone and these are ways to get to know people

[googley]

(((((((((((Jexa)))))))))))))

I am so sorry you are having such a hard time right now! I wish I could just come hang out with you. We are here to listen and you have a lot of friends here on PC. Please vent away as much as you need to.

I was wondering if you are doing trauma processing. I know that when I work on my trauma stuff I start getting angry at everything. Every little thing. I also get angry sometimes when I am depressed. Things that I would otherwise think of as not important (not saying your anger isn't important) start to make me angry.

It sounds like you are taking good care of yourself by doing your yoga and letting yourself rest when you need to. Is it getting nicer where you are? Could you spend some time outside walking or riding your bike? I know a lot of people say that being outside helps them.

Can you look at the end of your time at your job as a count down? That you only have to make it until august and then you get to leave? I know when I was ending my job the very end was training someone to take over my position, so there was a relief that I got to hand it over to someone else. It also reduced my work load because a lot of it was watching someone else do the work that I used to do.

Please let us help you through this tough time. Be gentle with yourself, you deserve it.

[Oceanwave]

Jexa, your workplace sounds toxic. How about looking forward to gradschool? You will learn interesting things there and meet new people, have new friends with similar interests to you. You job will be over soon, and you are not stuck! You will be moving forward.

[jexa]

I feel like I've been "waiting for August" for years. It is so hard to just count down the days. I am not living in the now, every day is a miserable longing for something I can't have. I am looking forward to grad school. Also fearing that I will always be so susceptible to toxic work environments. Others seem to cope better, but I am falling apart with my anger.

I do think it has to do with trauma processing. A few weeks ago when I was complaining about work again in therapy, my T suggested that the environment I'm in now might be paralleling something that happened in my past. At first I couldn't speak, just froze, put my head in my hands. Then I started sobbing. Haven't processed that session yet.

I left work early and now I am home but feeling guilty for leaving work early, also feeling miserable and lonely.

Thanks for the suggestion granite.. the trouble is I am just not interested in starting anything right now or forming new relationships when I am going to be moving away in August. Like, four months from today I will be moving.

I am going to eat a bunch of donuts and drink a bunch of wine now.

[mixedup_emotions]

(((( jexa ))))

Wow. I can really relate to your anger and feeling so hopeless. Your work situation does seem toxic - and mine is as well - and the poison, I find, tends to taint other aspects of my life. Miserable work environment with an abusive boss is no way to live. Keep venting and sharing here, if you can. You won't be alone when you have PC. (( HUGS ))

[SpiritRunner]

((((((((jexa)))))))) I'm sorry it's so hard......you are not alone! I can relate, I have been in toxic workplaces, and it is so emotionally draining, so wearing on the psyche. Trauma processing is hard, too.....and could explain the feelings of anger. It does sound like, with your yoga and stuff, you have some good coping skills, some things to keep you grounded.
Be gentle with yourself. You do have strength within to keep coping, you are worthy of T's help, T can help, and you can endure and be OK!

[googley]

((((((((((((Jexa))))))))))))))

More hugs for you.

I agree with the word 'toxic' to describe your work environment. Do you have built up vacation days you could take? Just to get away for a while? Plan something fun?

[Oceanwave]

((((Jexa)))) It is probably just bad luck that your work environment sucks and that it replicates earlier issues. If an intelligent human being is put into an unethical environment where they have to witness misconduct every day, and they are not in a position to do anything about it, that's a very tortorous thing to endure. It might help if you had some control over the situation and could change things, or confront your boss but I gather this is not the case right now, and that's difficult. Jexa, you don't HAVE to be able to cope well in an environment like that. That would be too much to ask. Just give yourself permission not to cope well and to hate your workplace. Don't feel you have to accept it and that you have to fit in and be happy. You need to stick to your ethical values as I gather those would be hard to part with. If you don't see it as YOUR issue but an inherent problem with your workplace maybe you will be able to survive the next few months more easily. In the meantime try to find activities that make you happy - in the breaks at work, when dealing with patients and after work. And maybe do some preparation and reading for gradschool in your spare time, and find out what you could do in advance of your course.

[WePow]

(((((((Jexa))))))))) I am sorry you have so much pain right now. But it is good to see you!!

[BlackCanary]

I think it's OK to get under the covers and hide out a bit as needed. Just set the alarm so you remember to get up!

You will get beyond this job, and pretty soon too. I hope you are able to figure out what the parallel is to your past experience. Do you feel trapped or helpless to speak up at the job?

Sounds like you are in "one day at a time" mode

[jexa]

Thanks so much for the support guys.

I do have one week's worth of vacation time right now, and I really think I need a vacation, but I'm afraid I'll need it later and want to save it up. Like if I need to go early to the area where I am moving to grad school to check out a place. I do have plenty of sick time. Like, more than two whole weeks' worth of sick time. I wish I could pretend to be really sick so I could take a whole week off work and say I was sick the whole time. But I've gotten so sucked into this depression that I don't even know what I'd do with that time.

Money is an issue too.

Sigh. Stuck.

[jexa]

Thank you guys for the inspiration and recommending a break. I think I might go out to this retreat that I found online -- http://www.mtnlightsanctuary.com/directory.htm

What do you guys think of this place? It looks beautiful and I could go by myself and they have work/trades so I could garden three hours a day and stay there for free with plenty of time in solitude reading and reconnecting with nature. All I would have to pay for is the flight out there and food.

[velcro003]

Jexa, is it actually sick time, or just PTO? If its just "personal time off" you don't have to explain anything!

[jexa]

No, velcro, it's sick time.

I've been trying to use it when I can -- that's why I felt alright about leaving Friday, I was feeling nauseous and so I just said I was feeling nauseous and asked to go home and then I was able to go home.

Too bad I have SO MUCH sick time accrued and there's no way I'll need it all before August.

I wonder if mental health counts. Sigh. Probably not.

[googley]

(((((((((Jexa))))))))

I think that mental health counts.

[jexa]

OKAY.

Jessica gets her life back plan:
- going to a Unitarian Universalist service tomorrow. If I like it, maybe I will go weekly. And get more involved in the church generally.
- taking a vacation the week of my birthday in May. Going to Mountain Light Sanctuary to garden for three hours a day in exchange for a room by a beautiful forest. It will be my birthday present to me. And my present for getting in to a PhD program. No cell phones or other electronics allowed.
- practicing yoga at least three times a week. Trying camel pose at least once a week, since it is such an emotionally difficult pose for me.
- continuing therapy. Committing more to trauma healing, committing more to finding movement. I really just have not been doing my best. This is not a distortion. I am going to do better.
- spend more time in nature. Daily walks. Don't have to be longer than 10 minutes.

And that's THAT.

[googley]

That sounds like a wonderful plan.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by jexa

A few weeks ago when I was complaining about work again in therapy,

my T suggested that the environment I'm in now might be paralleling something that happened in my past.

At first I couldn't speak, just froze, put my head in my hands. Then I started sobbing. Haven't processed that session yet.

This ^ is really important Jexa. I beg to differ that your work environment is toxic. I think that you are being triggered. Working through this will help you bunches.............

[Oceanwave]

((((((Jexa))))))))

How are you getting on?