this is why I didn't want to go

I had an urge, a strong one, to cancel my session today. There were a number of reasons, but mainly I just didn't feel like going. But I went, anyway, after reminding myself of the cardinal rule of PC: when in doubt, go to therapy.

But now I'm feeling sad and lonely and I miss my T. I feel sort of ripped open and raw and I can't wait another week to see her. I didn't feel any of this before I went. I didn't feel like I wanted to see or talk to her, and that is unusual for me in itself.

so now I am here, in this place of missing T and wanting T, and wishing I hadn't gone at all if it's just going to make me feel worse.

((((((zoo))))))

I've wondered how you are since you don't post so much anymore. I understand how you feel and I hate therapy sometimes for that very reason. My T was away last week and I was pretty much okay as far as not missing her. But as soon as she emailed me (I asked her to) that she was back home, all the intense feelings came back. I see her tomorrow and I know I'll be stirred up again.

So, I get it...but I don't know what it means. The strong feelings of missing T come after a session so what's the answer? Why do we feel that way? I know it's partly transference, or mostly, and yes, our T gives us undivided attention, but it hurts way too much sometimes.

We've discussed this on the forum a lot but there's no answer. Therapy just IS that way. I don't want to care so much about my T but I do. If we see a T and don't feel so strongly, it often doesn't work as well.

I don't know what to tell you but hope these hugs will help.

(((((((((((Zoo)))))))))))

I've totally felt that way before. I'm also not sure what it means. Please take gentle care of yourself. Can you text her just to check in?

I understand the feeling of being ripped open and raw after leaving a session and then somehow managing to contain those feelings for a week only to repeat the cycle. Sorry you're feeling like this!

(((zoo))) I get that feeling too. I haven't seen T in a couple of weeks, but I see him this afternoon. Right now I feel like I can go it alone and I don't want to go, but deep down I know I should. This afternoon I will be in that same place, raw and open. I don't really know why, except that he's the only one I talk to really, and after talking for a bit it is so hard to shut it down and not talk for a week again.

(((((((zoo))))))) I have been wondering about you too.
I know the feeling......sometimes it's hard to go, hard to be left with worse feelings afterwards. But I have seen it does pass, it can get better! Can you check in with her, maybe that would help the feelings?

Hey hun I feel that way too. Sometimes I wonder why I look forward to or miss something that often leaves me feeling upset

Zoo, I think this is a common experience. We go to T and allow ourselves to feel feelings that we have cooped up in us for so long. We become so raw and vulnerable. And it's comforting and also exhilarating that someone will listen to us and understand us.

THEN, we have to return to RL before we've had the chance to integrate and understand these emotions. We love it and we hate it. I believe, with time, the integration will happen but there will be a lot of pain and agony before that happens.

Can we keep on? Well, some can and some cannot. I guess it depends on how much we want to change and how much we suffer in RL or how much we suffer in the healing process. It's tough, no doubt about it.

((((((Zoo)))))))

I hope everything is going ok with you, I've missed you and think about you a lot. I'm sorry your feeling this way now. I feel l like that after EVERY session, I hate the feeling of becoming a mess but then being left to put myself back together. I miss T so much the nights of my session.

I hope you can contact T in some way just to say hi...hang in there

I wish I was doing a better job at being a community member right now. I'm just not. I want to try to be here more often, but it doesn't happen.

Thank you for supporting me anyway. It helps to know I'm not alone.

I did call T and left a message yesterday evening. I didn't ask for a call back, so wasn't expecting one, but she did text me this morning which was nice. I then called her this afternoon because I need some help dealing with an incident that happened last night with my 14 year old son. This time I did ask for a call back, and so I know I'll most likely talk to T sometime today, at least for a few minutes.

I guess I'll be okay. It just all gets to be too much sometimes, and then when the ONE thing I do for myself turns out to cause more emotional distress, it just seems kind of pointless.

(((((((((((((Zoo)))))))))))))))

(((((((zooropa)))))))))
I know it's tempting to cancel when we don't want to see T... it's too stressful to get sucked in again. Just remember it's not for her you're going it's for YOU.

sweet hugs for you Zoo,
what's all this? you don't HAVE to show up on PC and do stuff; we just like you and wish you well! come when you can! Come when you want! no shoulds (except you should not beat yourself up for not being a "community member" - you are one).

Hugs, Zooropa.

Don't you think it's better to have the attachment and support of T, even if you have to deal with the missing and wanting T? It's better than being numb, better than being alone.

Please don't worry about not being here that much. It's ok to give support when we are able to, and only receive support when we have none to give. Somehow it all balances out.

((((Zoo)))) it is OK to miss your T. It is OK to feel towards people. That is healthy. Even when we don't understand it or why... it is OK to be attached.

Zoo,
I completely one hundred percent get what you are saying. In fact I think that I am going to tell t about your thread and how it completely resonated with me. I could have written it myself (every time I see t).

I wish I could explain it or take it away from you. I wish it wasn't that way for me either. It would make t a lot easier for us, wouldn't it?

Hugs

(((((((((((zoo))))))))))

This is JUST what I am afraid of when I see T on Friday after not seeing him for 22 days (the longest BY FAR that I've gone without seeing him since I started in 2007). Eeeek.

I am glad you reached out to her. It's okay to want support and need support and ask for support. Good for you