[doogie]

I just wanted to share this article. I thought it was great. We talk a lot here about boundaries our Ts have, but sometimes very little about boundaries for ourselves. This was really eye opening for me.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/wendy-..._b_846491.html

[SpiritRunner]

good article! yes, we need good boundaries too, not just in therapy but in RL....I guess one thing I am learning in therapy is how to set better, safer, healthier , more self-respecting boundaries for myself and not be afraid to do that.

[doogie]

Me, too. I have a hard time, though, finding the line between standing up for my own boundaries and not being "not nice" to people. I'm such a people pleaser! I'm learning, though.

[nannypat]

Originally Posted by doogie

Me, too. I have a hard time, though, finding the line between standing up for my own boundaries and not being "not nice" to people. I'm such a people pleaser! I'm learning, though.

I am too. To the point that I can lose perspective on what I like or want. It is hard work to change these ways of being but I am trying too.

[Perna]

One thing that has helped me enormously is figuring out "whose problem" something is. Who says what I say/do is "not nice"? Is it me or the other person deciding that? Sometimes I get all tangled up in my discomfort at other people being unhappy with my actions and how it seems easier for me to be uncomfortable alone, by not doing/saying something that will make the other person angry or "not nice" themselves but I have to remember that changes who I am and makes expressing my boundaries harder the next time.

[online user]

I just got through writing to a PC member with a dysfunctional family. I was trying to make suggestions to her, of how she could take what her family is saying and put it in her terms, that her plan of action with them was OK. I guess I was really showing her the way to establish new boundaries with her family! Didn't realize exactly what I was doing till I read your article. Thanks for sharing!

[PTSDlovemycats]

I wasn't able to read the article for some reason but I have a HUGE problem with boundaries. My T and I are trying to work on it though...

[ECHOES]

I really like this article and especially this part of it. And particularly the part I bolded:

The weakest link for most of us in setting boundaries is that we never learned that setting a boundary is equivalent to letting go of the outcome in a given situation. In fact, this is the key distinguishing feature between healthy boundaries and manipulative relationships. True boundaries, once set, release the outcome. It is a true letting go of what is not ours. Often the way that I have done them with my children is when my boundaries are perceived as threats. Not letting go, trying to control the outcome is a form of manipulation that often gets confused as boundary-setting in many relationships.

Thanks so much for sharing this, doogie!