I am seriously considering another break.

I just cant stand therapy right now. I don't know what happened. I was SO willing to go for so long and work really really hard on so much stuff. And now I can't do it.

I. Can't. Do. It.

I know I have such a good T, so it's not him. I can't even put it into words, really, not even for myself. I just want to hide forever.

When I was growing up, I HAD to just live and pretend nothing was happening at home. It's like that version of me has taken over, and dismantling her and all of those defenses isn't something I want to do. Or maybe I just CAN'T do it.

I am so so stuck. I can't do this. I want to talk to T about it NOW, but my session is on Thursday. I tried to call, and we just can't connect, and I don't even know how to put words around what I'm feeling anyhow.

It just feels dangerous. Everything feels dangerous. I don't want to sit with this until Thursday, but I'm not going to have a choice.

Maybe I need to take a break until my mom dies. I don't know.

[dizgirl2011]

Hey Tree,

often times when we are feeling we want to run are the times we need Therapy most. It sounds like your going through a lot internally and with your mother being near death I think having as muh support as possible may be of help, what do you think?

If you don't want to talk about the issues that your defensives are working to protect you from perhaps you could go to therapy and talk about something else or talk around them and the feelings about them without talking about the issue or issues directly. Perhaps even just being with your T will be of some comfort?

I worry if your finding it hard to be without your therapist until Thursday that another break may be very difficult for you.

I know what its like to struggle waiting for the next session, I am currently on a 2 week break, I have 1 more week to go and the thought of getting through this week is torturing me but I know i'll do it....i have to.

huge hugs!

[ECHOES]

tree,

You. Can. Do. It.

But not if you are not there.

Please talk more about your feeling of not being able to do it with T. I think you can do it, because you have done really big and good things. But you may need more time and in that time, please don't judge yourself harshly. It is where you are and that's the only place you can be.

T can help you with this.

Originally Posted by dizgirl2011

I worry if your finding it hard to be without your therapist until Thursday that another break may be very difficult for you.


huge hugs!

Thanks, dizgirl...

I think being on break helps me shut everything down. I just want to shut down.

[nannypat]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I am seriously considering another break.

I just cant stand therapy right now. I don't know what happened. I was SO willing to go for so long and work really really hard on so much stuff. And now I can't do it.

I. Can't. Do. It.

I know I have such a good T, so it's not him. I can't even put it into words, really, not even for myself. I just want to hide forever.

When I was growing up, I HAD to just live and pretend nothing was happening at home. It's like that version of me has taken over, and dismantling her and all of those defenses isn't something I want to do. Or maybe I just CAN'T do it.

I am so so stuck. I can't do this. I want to talk to T about it NOW, but my session is on Thursday. I tried to call, and we just can't connect, and I don't even know how to put words around what I'm feeling anyhow.

It just feels dangerous. Everything feels dangerous. I don't want to sit with this until Thursday, but I'm not going to have a choice.

Maybe I need to take a break until my mom dies. I don't know.

I think when things feel dangerous is the time you need T more than ever. Maybe a change in focus in therapy to a less intense topic or just maybe support getting through this time of being there for your ill mother would be more helpful. It is very stressful to take care of someone in their final stages . I did that for my mom for whom there were many mixed, turbulent feelings. She was dying of cancer and needed someone there 24/7. I had a sibling that would cover it long enough for me to go to therapy but I could not work on anything but getting through the day to day stuff of her care.
I am not great at giving advice. I just know how overwhelmed I was and how everything else had to be put on hold. I am sorry for your pain. I wish I could make you feel better somehow.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

tree,

You. Can. Do. It.

But not if you are not there.

right!!! and that's OK, not to be there. (ahem - Repeat please )
would like to point out that you don't have to just sit with it from here to Thurs, you can come to PC and get the benefit (?) of the opinions of 2gazillion people who can't fit into your shoes but who love you and will help you hold your pain.

hang on there, when you are upset don't make a change.... you know the drill

[elliemay]

It's okay. You don't have to do anything.

Where is this pressure coming from do you think?

[karebear1]

Originally Posted by treehouse

Thanks, dizgirl...

I think being on break helps me shut everything down. I just want to shut down.

Seems to be a lot of this going on on this board right now. You're in good company Tree. We just need to bouy each other up when we want to quit. You know you and how much you can handle right now. T will definetly understand whatever your decision is. Just take you time in deciding. (((Tree)))

[mixedup_emotions]

(((( Tree ))))

I totally, TOTALLY understand.....

My T was away for a couple weeks, and I missed group T as well for a week....During that time, I was able to close up...and it felt SO GOOD not to have to FEEL anything...

But then again, I remembered that not feeling is what got me to where I am in the first place. And that it's not a "good" feeling. It's just a safe feeling. T reminds me often that by shutting down, I lose the opportunity to create intimacy and closeness with others in a fulfilling, genuine way. I do want that in my life - but it's scary, because feeling pain is a big part of the process...and it just hurts too much at times....

((((( Tree )))))

Just checking in...my 10 year old is super sick and I'm taking care of him. Poor guy

I talked to T, and it kind of sucked. I had called and asked for a call back, and I ONLY ask for calls back if I'm really in a bad place. I usually just leave a message if I want to vent or tell him something or whatever. So, he said he would call at 7:15 on his way to a meeting.

He called at maybe 7:25 or a little later. I said "don't you have a meeting?" and he said yes, at 7:30. I wish he would have just said "I want to have time to listen and I don't now, so let's touch base tomorrow". Instead, he was trying to guess what was wrong (because I said "there's really not enough time to get into it") and was guessing wrong and I didn't know whether to correct him or what. I tried to, but everything is too big to get into and it was an impossible conversation that he was obviously really disconnected from and then he had to go. NOT helpful.

I did leave a message later and I think I was able to explain a little bit more about what's going on. It's super hard to even put words around it. And I can tell that I am just super hypervigilant about the T relationship because I'm feeling so vulnerable and I know where that can lead and....yuck.

The thing with my mom is I know she's really sick but she lies all the time so it's hard to tell how sick and she skips important doctor appointments so I really don't know what's going on. I don't know whether to call her dr (I'm sure I am on a list of "okay to talk to" people) or just let her be an adult (she's 62!) or what.

I am lost....just totally confused. And I'm not even sure what I'm confused about.

[darkrunner]

((((((((((((((Treehouse)))))))))))))))))

I'm sorry your conversation with T wasn't helpful.
It's great you can identify the fact that you are hypervigilant.
It sounds like the situation with your mom is triggering so much for you, especially in your relationship with T.

I totally agree with Echoes, that you need to talk to T about why it is so hard to talk about. Talk about dealing with the current situation and triggers and feelings right now. Don't pressure yourself to go deep into any history - that will happen when it is supposed. It doesn't have to happen NOW.

For what it's worth, if I were you I would not call the doctor. What would you hope to accomplish by calling? I think it would be better for YOU if you were to try to stay as uninvolved as possible.

I hope your son feels better today.

[granite1]

((((tree))))i hope you go to therapy.i dont know what words will make you feel better and somtimes it is best to say nothing but to send you big hugsand some to your little boy who is sicki hope he feels better soon

[elliemay]

I wonder if this isn't so hard to talk about because there can be such conflicting feelings about our parents.

It's really hard to say that they are all bad or all good, usually there is some love co-mingled with a host of other emotions.

For me, it created a lot of confusion and ambivalence. i found it incredibly hard to hold two (sometimes three or four) opposing emotions at the same time. It's stressful and exhausting trying to wrangle that morass into something workable.

It sounds as though you are still in contact with your mother (I am too) and still feel a desire, or an obligation, to parent her (me too).

It's okay, it's complicated and confusing, but I do think that it can be sorted through and you can begin to view your mother through the lens of what she actually is - a mixture of many things.

There is no pressure at all to do this, instead, perhaps you could begin to work on your own boundaries and coping skills when it comes to your mother.

T called and left me a message this morning, without me asking.

Like I said, I am SO hypervigilant around the relationship right now, and that made it a little hard to really appreciate it. No, that's not right - I REALLY appreciated it on one level, for sure, and just felt weird about it on another level.

He said that everything we've worked on has brought us to this point, and that this IS the hardest point. And Ellie, you're right - I think it has to do with the fact that I have so much contact with my mom and it's hard to work through the old stuff while she's right here in my face.

We talk every day (at least once). She has no friends and no other family (besides my addict brother who lives in another state). She is completely emotionally dependent on me. Today is the anniversary of my dad dying My son is very sick and had to go to the ped this morning, and my mom called because her car died and she has no one else to help her with it. And I felt REALLY bad for her...because she has created this life where she has no one else to call, because I know it's such a sad day for her (and for me), but I HAD to take my son to the dr and she ended up having to sit at the garage while they fixed her car. Then she wanted to go out to lunch, but I just COULDN'T. I wanted to bring sick boy home, and I just didn't feel emotionally up to it...and then I feel SO SELFISH, because I know this has to be the worst day for her, and here I am, not being helpful. So, I'm sitting with all of this guilt, and talking about the past feels...just wrong. I'm SO conflicted. I'm angry and scared and confused and sad and guilt-ridden and I don't know what else. I have to take care of her, and I don't know how. I hate that she's alone, but she created that with her alcoholism. I don't know. I really just don't know.

Anyhow, it is what it is. She has a renal u/s tomorrow and hopefully that will give us some direction health-wise.

I just want to crawl under the covers and hide, honestly. I feel so selfish and awful.

[sittingatwatersedge]

You are not selfish Tree. You are doing the best you can and it's all good.

[Sannah]

I can see how it is hard to tackle this stuff. It seems that you are confronting the past and the present at the same time (your mom in the past and present) and this would be hard. Your other traumas were only in the past.

[elliemay]

This is hard. But you're right - I think you've got to take a look at your mother and the past and your relationship with her right now.

Something is not working for you there at all and I think you've got to get yourself out of the "not working parts" someway.

She's not going to change.

It's so confusing, but doable.

I sent T an e-mail earlier today. I didn't ask for a reply, and it has always been a HUGE deal that he only replies if I specifically ask (using specific words, actually!). It bothered me years ago, but now it's totally, completely fine. If I need a reply I ask, and if not, I don't.

Tonight, T replied to my e-mail even though I didn't ask. He said that he knew I hadn't asked for a reply but he wanted me to know he was thinking about me today

When I was growing up, no one was thinking about me, ever. EVER. And today, T was, because he knew it was a hard day.

Sometimes, in the middle of all of this, I remember how much I love T, and how lucky I am to have him be the one to help me heal. I wish my history wasn't what it was, and that's hard sometimes - almost TOO hard, like now - but sometimes, I have a feeling that it's almost being made up for in a bigger, cosmic kind of way. Like the universe is saying "hey, I know things have REALLY sucked, but I am giving you this gift so you can learn what love and healing feel like". Sometimes if I can look at the really big picture and see that I've been given the gift of this T, it helps.

It feels like more than I deserve, and I used to push the love away, but now I just want to soak it up, whether I deserve it or not. So I am soaking it up.

It's funny how a few unexpected words of caring can make such a big difference.

[googley]

((((((((((((((((((Tree)))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm so glad your T was thinking about you and let you know. That is so awesome.

Things are difficult with parents. They know where our buttons are. You are not being selfish to take care of your son and take care of yourself. You can't help her with anything if you don't take care of yourself.

I'm so sorry it is such a hard time for you.