relief

(((((Zoo))))) Take it one day at a time.

((((((((((zoo))))))))) yes, one day at a time......

zoo:

zoo, I just popped on PC today for the first time in a while.

I just wanted to say this: .

And this: you have been SO BRAVE to get through this and to keep showing up and to work on resolving things with your T, even after her stuff showed up in YOUR therapy and threw a wrench into everything.

And this: the sadness of loss is the other side of the coin of closeness.

You have not lost T, not even close. And she will prepare you for it so that it is not overwhelming if/when that time comes. And it's not definite/forever/inflexible. The process can bend according to your needs. But when it does, remember that it's okay to feel the way you do. Okay to be sad and to grieve a loss as big as this.

The reason it happens is that we decide that closeness is worth it. Reach inside the pain and see if there is something there that tells you something deep in your core about what matters to you.

Closeness. Connection. Love. Even if relationships must be flexible and bend and twist according to fate, and end as time moves forward and forward and things change..

Even then, those things matter.

((((((jexa))))))

I have been thinking of you so much lately. As I look at the someday-ending of my time with T, I am constantly reminded of you and your sudden, forever-ending with yours. I remember how horribly painful that was for you, and that you made it through.

Thank you so much for your words. Once again, you have said almost the exact thing my T has said to me. You are going to be so good at this job, Jexa.

Your words made me cry, not just because they echo what my T said to me yesterday but because I am starting to develop that certainty deep down that it is true. Things have to end sometimes, even good things. Things have to change, everything, all the time. Fearing that and avoiding it just increases the pain.

Knowing that in my head and knowing it in my heart are two different things, but it's a start.

isn't it crazy how I can spend a week spinning out about wanting to quit T, being hurt by T, thinking T has been a colossal waste of time and then follow that IMMEDIATELY by feelings of OMG I can't live without T, T is the only good thing in my life, I can't survive losing T?

I realize this is some classic BPD type behavior/thinking, but wow. It isn't pleasant, especially since I've been in DBT for so long and theoretically gleaned everything I can from it. And still, spirals and spin outs and breakdowns are just a sentence or two away at all times.

Thinking of you. I'm sorry you're hurting so much over this.

I understand your going back and forth about your T. It's progress to identify it as BPD thinking, to be aware of it, don't you think? You've gone through a lot with your T and I think the highs and lows make the relationship more intense. I'm not sure I'm wording that right, but I know how hard endings are. I like what Jexa wrote.

Zoo, a huge part of healing is the ability to recognize our patterns.

You are starting to feel what your patterns are like.
You are becoming aware of how your patterns result in certain emotions and spirals.
By being aware of the pattern, you are presented with new choices.