When I walked into therapy today, I really didn't feel anything but anxious, but that's kind of normal for me at the beginning of session. But almost immediately, I just felt SO frustrated and sad. I have had a really hard time talking lately, and I WANT to, but I can't make myself say anything. Everything I want to say sounds stupid, or like I'm whining, or like I'm bragging, or like I'm a big complainer, and I'm so scared T will glaze over and get bored. I pretty much started crying right away because I was so sad and frustrated. I didn't even feel sad AT ALL when I walked in the door. Ack.

I guess it was a good session. I managed to talk a lot about how much I want to isolate right now - from myself, from other people, from T, from my Higher Power, even from PC. I want to somehow stay numb enough so that there is a veil between me and the world. I remembered when I used to abuse pain pills, I LOVED the fact that I could be isolated inside myself but SEEM connected to the people around me. I really miss that.

The bad feelings I have about myself are SO big and SO pervasive. I feel ashamed or embarrassed to even try to connect with someone else. I'm trying to "fake it til I make it" but I'm not doing a good job.

T suggested that we reach out and touch fingers to connect, so we did, but I pulled back because I thought that it felt icky to him to be touching me. Ugh.

It was probably a productive session...we did talk a lot about where I'm at, and how I'm feeling, and I certainly cried a lot. I think T understands where I'm at, and that helps. But it still feels crappy. It feels like I will never feel better.

What I NEED is one of those moments of grace that shifts things a little and opens up some space inside. Until then, here I am. It's REALLY REALLY hard and I'm frustrated with myself. I think I even HATE myself right now. God, I wish I could somehow pull myself out of this place.

T said that things got all stirred up inside when I said what I did in session a few sessions ago, and it's having a hard time settling. I do think it's that, mixed with the mom stuff. So many old messages bouncing around in my head.

I want SO badly to believe that T really truly doesn't think I'm ugly and stupid, because if he really truly doesn't think that, then it's like there's this little glimmer of hope that I will learn to think differently too. I hear him say the words, but I want to BELIEVE it.

I don't know. I guess I just need to vent.

[WikidPissah]

i'll bet you anything you T DOESN'T think you are ugly and stupid...in fact you are probably the only person who sees you in that context. When I was in t, I used to need him to tell me "I don't think your a freak" at the end of sessions. Sometimes he had to email or text it again to remind me.01

So maybe try to change the "ugly and stupid" to "brave and brilliant"...cause that would be closer to the actual truth.

I am totally hiding in my room right now. My kids are complaining about their schoolwork and I can't deal with it. But I don't want to be with them and be angry. So, I'm hiding. I wish I could hide forever and ever. I never want to come out of here, seriously.

[WikidPissah]

I hid in my room this morning. Totally irresponsibly went back to bed...for 3 hours...on a nice day when there is tons of house and yard work to do. lol.

(((Sometimes hiding is good)))

[sittingatwatersedge]

"if Thou wouldst have me to be in light, be Thou blessed;
But if Thou wouldst have me to be in darkness, be Thou again blessed;
Be Thou always and everywhere equally blessed."

[SpiritRunner]

(((((((((((((tree))))))))))))))) I understand the wanting to hide......I want to, too, but can't.......my baby is sick

[swimmergirl]

((((((((((((((((((tree))))))))))))))))))) You are definitely not ugly or stupid. I have read your posts for awhile and they are quite insightful. Now hiding from you kids made me laugh, I do that all the time! One thing I have learned this last week is if your T tells you something, like "you are not ugly or stupid" and you don't believe him, then you don't really trust him. It's like you are saying he is a liar. I know you have a great relationship with your T. Maybe it is just hard for you to believe that someone else could see you that way, but try to believe, just a little, that not only does T, so does your Higher Power, and us. And if we all believe that, then maybe sometime, somewhere, somehow, you can too. You are worth it. Hang in there.

[dizgirl2011]

You are not stupid nor ugly hun and I can say without doubt that your therapist doesnt think this, how could he? You are so brave to go to therapy in the first place, you have insight into your problems, you are kind and beautiful as a person!

[googley]

(((((((((((((((Tree))))))))))))))))

You are not ugly or stupid. You are amazing, and smart, and beautiful, and adventurous, and outgoing, and brave, and insightful, and powerful, and loving, and strong, and wonderful.

It is okay to need a break from your kids at times. It is okay to need to take a break and get your breath.

[WePow]

((((Tree)))) I hope this comes out right - the way I mean it from my heart.
I have never seen a picture of you, but I know for a FACT that you are one of the most beautiful people I have ever "met" or had the honor of getting to know.

You are so honest and so tender in your soul. You have a beauty that is as deep as it can go. So no matter what your physical body may look like - all I can see is how very beautiful of a person you are.

I wanted to share that with you because I sense that is what your T sees.
Your T doesn't see just the car (the vehicle) that comes into his office when YOU show up. He is looking at the driver.

((((((PC Friends))))))))

You are all so kind to me. It feels like more than I deserve, but I appreciate it so much.

T e-mailed me and left me a message. He said he thinks there was movement today, because I was able to be so authentic and so honest. In his e-mail, he said that he really really heard what I was saying (and listed all of it) and that he really gets where I'm at. It does help to be understood.

I'm just in this PLACE. I don't even know what to do. I'm just trying, hard, to not isolate and to do the next right thing and to have some faith that somehow some grace will find me, something will shift, somehow I'll feel different.

I'm glad you guys are here

[zooropa]

So glad you are here, tree

[granite1]

i know i dont say much but sending you much and many

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by treehouse

Everything I want to say sounds stupid, or like I'm whining, or like I'm bragging, or like I'm a big complainer, and I'm so scared T will glaze over and get bored.

The bad feelings I have about myself are SO big and SO pervasive. I feel ashamed or embarrassed to even try to connect with someone else.

T suggested that we reach out and touch fingers to connect, so we did, but I pulled back because I thought that it felt icky to him to be touching me. Ugh.

I want SO badly to believe that T really truly doesn't think I'm ugly and stupid

You told T these things ^?

Originally Posted by Sannah

You told T these things ^?

Yes. And it helped, I guess because at least now he knows what's going on with me. It didn't FIX it to tell him, but at least I'm not alone with it now.

I had the WORST day after therapy yesterday. I'm trying to make today better. Just doing the next right thing, over and over. I really just want to FEEL BETTER.

[sittingatwatersedge]

>>>> Just doing the next right thing, over and over.

this is the only solution. I love you, Tree.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by treehouse

It didn't FIX it to tell him, but at least I'm not alone with it now.

I had the WORST day after therapy yesterday. I'm trying to make today better. Just doing the next right thing, over and over. I really just want to FEEL BETTER.

Maybe feeling bad is the therapy that you need right now? These feelings need to come out. Maybe you need to mourn for a bit in order to move past it and feel better?

[googley]

((((((((Tree))))))))))

Sending more hugs. I hope you get through this rough spot soon.