[Elana05]

I'm not feeling so well today. I couldn't sleep last night, not until 4am although I slept until 10. I am taking a new medication and I just want it to work already. But it has only been 1 week. I feel like I am "waiting" today. I really don't like this feeling.
I have been (sort of) lying to my dad. He has been helping me out financially and when he calls I feel so worried about telling him how I am actually feeling. So I say I'm "doing a bit better" and I try to sound as upbeat as possible. I leave out the days where I can't function, deal with the worst of the depression, can't get out of bed and dark thoughts. The last time we talked he wanted to know why I wasn't just out and working, which he thought would make me feel better. I am working... by going to therapy (2x a week) or to a 12 step meeting every day. But a job right now makes me feel like I want to crawl into the fetal position. So I am trying to write this letter to my dad explaining how the depression actually has been, that I haven't exactly been telling the truth, I am wholly thankful for his help right now but that I have been just getting by. The whole thing is confusing. I don't know if I should send him an email or a hand written letter. I don't know if I should try to explain what the depression is really like, about the sui. thoughts and everything. In the past I have had a hard time dealing with is anxiety and sadness, feeling like I have caused this problem somehow... The good thing is that I can tell him I'm finally on medication. But I know he may not have the best response to the whole thing, so I feel frozen. My T thinks sending the letter is a good idea, since she knows I have not been honest with him. But she also says I am very "reactive" and recommended waiting instead of sending it off right away. She believes it may be helpful to write the letter and then sit with some of the feelings that come up. I have surprised myself by writing part of it and not sending it quite yet. I hate sitting with emotions... So it has been hard. (I started it last week). Maybe this week is about learning about waiting. Waiting to react. Waiting to send the letter. Waiting to see T tomorrow. Waiting for meds to kick in. Sitting with feelings.

[Borderline Personal]

Hi, what is happening to me is quite disturbing. Out of a sudden, I have the feeling of being fed up with everything and anything. Am feeling like "disarm". All started while I was thinking about the life cycle of an ordinary person, that is, go to school, have a good certificate, go to the university have a degree, find a good job, work to earn money, pay bills, buy food and drinks and ultimately prepare your testament.
All you have accomplish is struggling till the end. Am aware that each and every day is a struggle. If you deviate from this cycle, you are seen as crazy or an outlaw.
Sometimes when I look at great beings, i wish i could be like a sole spiritual being too.
Here it is i've said it.

[Perna]

Oh, sometimes that waiting can be so hard! I was helped when my T pointed out that it's like the weather and the situation and how I'm feeling will in fact change over time. That made the waiting a little easier for me because I knew I could look toward the end of that period.

I'm glad you are working on the letter and are holding it and thinking about it, etc. I would do a hand written letter myself. I would maybe just do an outline of what I thought I wanted to tell him, maybe make it as if it were an essay I were writing for school (as far as organization, not what I'd actually say/how I'd express myself). Sounds like you mostly want to tell him two things; you aren't doing as well as you have let on/told him in the past and you're very grateful for his help. I would maybe think about writing out a letter and asking T to add a "p.s." to the end, a one-line note of some sort to your father? I don't know. I'd at least talk over the letter as I'm writing it with T for a week or two, maybe decide with her how to say things, what to say, when to mail it, etc.

[SpiritRunner]

Waiting IS hard, one of the hardest things to do!
I am glad you are working on the letter though......and honesty is good. I just finally told my mom about my diagnosis of BP1 yesterday and it feels good to have simply done it, to have been honest about it.

[online user]

Sounds like you are doing a good job with the letter, and with realizing you have to wait. I know waiting can be hard.

You might do a variation on an exercise I was taught in the hospital. I was told, when I have a negative thought, write it down. Then right down 10 reasons why it might not be true. Like: my friend Dawn doesn't like me anymore. OK: 1. She is just worried about her daughter and is irritable right now because of that. 2. She is similarly worried about her mother, who isn't well. 3. Her husband might have lost his overtime $ again. 4. Her son might have lost his job again. 5. I may have misinterpreted what she said. etc. go to 10 before you stop. It's really helpful in changing your feelings about the negative thought.

OK, so you have to wait. Right down 10 pleasant things you can do while waiting:
1. Write down a list of things you'd like to do when you are better and have more energy. 2. Go outside with a cup of coffee in the morning and listen to the birds sing. 3. Play with your neighbor's kitten or puppy. 4. Go to the mall and look at the store windows. Pretend you can buy one piece from each window--what would it be? 5. Read a chapter in the new book you haven't read. 6. Look online for a new cute image you can send to some of your friends on PC. 7. Listen to some old albums you used to enjoy a lot--sit with a cup of tea and cuddle in a warm comforter and just "veg" to music, old "favs". You get the idea.

Just saw a cartoon on the virtue of "patience"--has a dog sitting looking at his food bowl. He's being very patient and waiting--there is a skunk eating out of it! (Go to Rohag's profile and look at his albums--there is another thing you could do while waiting--he's got a lot of cute ones!)

[WikidPissah]

waiting to finish/send a letter is really hard. I keep letters and emails for up to 2 weeks before sending them because I want them to be honest and I don't want to regret saying certain things. Re-reading and editing the letter can really be cathartic for you, I know the process is slow and frustrating, but in the end you'll have a very good letter that you won't regret sending.

[googley]

((((((((((((Elana)))))))))))))

I'm so sorry you are having to wait for so many things. I also find waiting really hard. I'm glad you are waiting with your letter to your dad. I know it can be really hard to tell them what is going on.