[tarmyg]

I'm new here.

I've been lurking for a couple of months, but now feel the need to join. Right now, I am filled with feelings of despair, frustration, anger....... due to possible misunderstanding on my part of my T's words, and also due to her cancellation of my upcoming appointment.

I am totally confused by the feelings I am having.

I am a very private person, don't want any fuss over me, don't want anyone knowing too much about me. I like to handle things on my own without having to explain much to anyone. I don't like to ask for help and avoid doing things that would need someone else's help. Yes, I have friends, some of them are very good friends, but not one that I have truly opened up to about my issues.

I am seeing my T by myself and also with my spouse. Our last appt w T was a month ago! Before that session I communicated to my T, by a note given to her secretary before the session(she does not email or text), that I was at a point in which I felt like if our joint session did not go well that I mentally and emotionally was afraid of my reaction to more added stress. I had never experienced getting to this level of despair and was fearful of how I was going to handle more of the same. The session actually went better than I thought it would , but towards the end I cratered and shut down. My T addressed my "mental and emotional" state out of concern for me. She mentioned the possibility of meds. At this point, she asked when my next appt. by myself was. I told her that it was in 3 weeks. Her comment was that she would "work me in" since it was obvious to all in the room that I needed some quick "alone" time with her to sort out my and her concerns. As we were the last session of her day, when we left she said something to her secretary about scheduling me in on a cancellation. I heard this myself. I leave the appt hanging on to the hope that I would be worked in soon.

The next week comes and goes and I heard nothing from her but clinging to the hope that I would be worked in soon. I started doubting myself as to what I heard. I wondered did she tell ME to call back and reschedule?, Or does she just not what to mess with me? LOTS of self doubt!! Another week rolls around & I still dont hear from her office. At this point I am really distressed with my original woes, now coupled with all this self doubt about what I thought she said was going to happen. More days pass, & I still don't heard from her. A week from my next scheduled appt, I figured I could survive until the next scheduled appt. I knew that if I made it to the next week I would be okay.

Yesterday, I got a call from her secretary cancelling my next scheduled appt for tomorrow due to a court date!!!! This has been crushing to me! I feel betrayed, angry, overwhelmed, hurt.

I had finally gotten to a point with my T where I was opening up, and could share the things that I have never shared. I was beginning to trust, but now feel like I have put myself in this position and left myself open for me to be vulnerable to her. It hurts.

[Sannah]

I'm sorry that your appt. got cancelled. You didn't feel like calling her office and asking if there were any cancelled appts. yet?

I'm also sorry that it hurts. You wrote that your feelings are confusing you?

[WikidPissah]

I'm sorry your so hurt by all of this. It would be WAY cool if T's could just read our minds and know when we are hurt, but that isn't the case. One of the hardest things that I am trying to learn is that you have to ask for what you need. That probably means calling and asking for an asap appointment. I know how freakin hard that is, I really do.

[cutebagaddict08]

Are comfortable with calling T's office and seeing when her next available appointment is or saying that you need an appointment as soon as possible?

[tarmyg]

Sannah- thanks for the response. I guess I really felt that she would "fit me in", but as the days passed, I realized that this was not going to happen. At that point I had a heavy dose of "maybe she just doesn't care". Saying that I am confused by my feelings may not be what I actually meant. I think it is more like "I am frustrated to be feeling the way I feel". I have spent years no allowing myself to address my feelings.(very co-dependent)! I am addressing that w T, so in my saying that I am frustrated, I guess I am very scared by the fact that I am allowing myself to "feel" ....
Eileen2010- thank you! I am getting better at telling T what I need. This is SO big for me. In the past I never allowed myself to address my needs, wants, desires, to the point of not allowing myself to even have many needs, wants or desires. When I started T, I had no idea just how screwed up I was!
cutebagaddict08-I actually do feel like I will call her office. What I have hanging over me is that when I have made previous appointments she typically does not have appts readily available....the typical earliest dates are 3 weeks away!

[cutebagaddict08]

Is there a way you could mention you'd like to see her as soon as possible?

[tarmyg]

I know I will soon have to muster up the nerve to call. In doing this I find myself already imagining
a) her secretary telling me that she will try to work me in....and this not happening again
b) me getting an appointment scheduled....and having it get cancelled again.

[cutebagaddict08]

I'm sorry to hear that. If you feel that T is cancelling to much or is not available when you need it; would you feel more comfortable going to another therapist? or speaking to T directly about how when you call and speak with the secretary she never seems to give you an appointment or calls you back with an available appointment. The most imporant thing is you need to be comfortable and feel your T is working with you all of the time, not just when scheduled.

[tarmyg]

I will call back tomorrow. When I get another appt I will talk to T about what has happened. I want her to know where I am on all this. I want her to know that I have been angry and hurt. The time I have spent on PC has shown me that I have to express my needs for them to be addressed. This has also been something that T has shown me. I know to do this, but putting it into action is where I struggle(co-dependency issues again)

But, what better time and situation to do what I know I have to do!

Cutbagaddict08-thanks for sticking w me and walking me through this....

[cutebagaddict08]

Tarmyg- Your welcome! Good luck tomorrow when you call T- write down what you'd like to say if that will help you feel comfortable...whatever works for you. Please let us know how it goes. I understand putting it in to action is hard.....I also struggle expressing how I feel or if I am hurt.

[tarmyg]

Yeah....called and got an appointment for early next week! That appointment is my "pot of gold"!!

[Sannah]

Very good getting your needs met and tuning into your feelings!!

[cutebagaddict08]

Good for you! Good luck at your appointment!

[tarmyg]

The appt I have for next week came with the slight possibility that it might be cancelled due to another court date. I'm praying that it does not get cancelled!!! I am to call T's office before I leave for the appt to make sure she will be able to make it.

I am filled with so many heavy emotions about what has happened with my appts in the last month. From thinking I was going to be "worked in" (and that not happening), to holding myself together for my scheduled appt 3 weeks later(and that being cancelled) to rescheduling a tentative appt for next week(& spending this whole weekend hoping she can make this one work) I am emotionally and mentally spent!!!

She has always made me feel that my issues and needs were important to her. I probably have no basis to be feeling the way I am feeling, but I feel hurt, angry, disappointed, lost, stepped on, forgotten.......

I'm mad at me for letting myself become so needy!
I'm mad at me for feeling the way I feel!
I'm mad at me for allowing myself to trust her!
I'm mad at me because I am needing & asking for help!
I'm mad at her for having other issues to deal with!
I'm mad at her for letting me trust her!
I'm mad at her for disappointing me!
I'm mad that others have had their appts without cancellation!!

[tarmyg]

Need a word or 2 of support about tomorrow....
Feeling anxious, nervous about whether my appt will take place or not. I sooooo need this appt!!!! I want to think positively and assume she will be able to meet, but my stronger feelings are telling me that this appt will also be cancelled.

[SpiritRunner]

Hoping that you will get your app't tomorrow! And that you are able to tell her clearly how you are feeling. There's no need for you to be mad at yourself in this.....you have a right to your feelings, and your needs, and they're certainly valid!

[mixedup_emotions]

I do hope that you get to see T and work through what's going on....I can understand how yucky it is to feel so needy. But in reality, it's good self-care. But scary. ((( HUGS )))

[(JD)]

I'm sorry that I'm in on this thread a little late. I'm also sorry to hear how desperate you've been feeling, and about the anger you expressed towards your T.

I know it doesn't change the hurt you feel, but understanding that Ts are human and right now your T sounds like she is going through the hoops for another patient, that of testifying even in court perhaps? It's a tough time for your T as well, to manage all that stress. However, I don't say that for you to feel bad for the T, because that's the T's job to handle her life. I say it because it might help you to understand how easy it is to get caught up in the comforting fantasy that you're the only patient T has and can give you so much time at will. But I'm sure she is sorry for the confusion and your increase in emotions.

If you need to feel anger, then place it on the system, or that there are only so many hours in a week etc. Whether your T knew of the upcoming court appearances (maybe it's jury duty???) or not doesn't matter...trying to find extra space in her schedule should give you a sense of good comfort; if she's that popular she's probably a "keeper" for a T.

Perhaps, even though she doesn't accept emails, that you can discuss an alternative contact for the future, should the same type of situation (increased desperation with her increased inavailability) occur. Perhaps you can leave voice messages, or have her call for a quick 3 minutes call. (It seems short, but it's a great help, for sure.)

I'm a little distressed that she is both seeing you privately and with couples therapy. Who does she advocate for in couples sessions? I think it's unwise and maybe, if you change anything, change who you both see as a couple. You need to know she is there for You...and without fear that she will breech accidently any confidences. Plus, your hubby has every right to feel that she's on your side, even if she isn't (in couples therapy.)

Be well.

As for

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by tarmyg

I probably have no basis to be feeling the way I am feeling, but I feel hurt, angry, disappointed, lost, stepped on, forgotten.......

Your reasons for feeling this way probably have more to do with your past then with your therapist today. What is happening today is just triggering up the past.

Originally Posted by tarmyg

letting myself become so needy!
feeling the way I feel!
allowing myself to trust her!
I am needing & asking for help!

These are important steps in healing. I can understand how you would be upset with this transition, though.

Originally Posted by tarmyg

her ... having other issues to deal with!
her .... letting me trust her!
her .... disappointing me!
others have had their appts without cancellation!!

[tarmyg]

I did get to have my appt today. We did make time to discuss all the confusion and disappointment that I experienced with the previous appt mix-ups and cancellation.

I am so down right now. The session went well in respects of our interaction & her care. She feels (and I agree) that I am depressed. Meds look to be in my future.... I know that I need to do something to help myself get out of this constant 'funk" I am in.

I am at the point in my life where A., B., or C. has GOT to happen. The majority of my session was spent looking at all three scenerios. Where I am right now..mentally and emotionally...none of them look good.

I told her that I had hoped I would "feel" better, when I left the session, than when I did when I got there. That didn't happen...... I feel worse.

Stinks that I have to start all over and do it again tomorrow....

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by tarmyg

I know that I need to do something to help myself get out of this constant 'funk" I am in.

The majority of my session was spent looking .... Where I am right now..mentally and emotionally...none of them look good.

You are in therapy for a reason. Do you feel bad because you have just accepted where you are at and you had been in denial?

[tarmyg]

Yes......

[Sannah]

It's okay Tarmyg. You are where you are at for real reasons. Acceptance is the first step to healing. You can't start from where you are at if you are in denial about where you are at. And you can't take your first step if you don't start from where you are at. So accepting this really is a good thing. Feeling bad won't last forever. Maybe you need to grieve this a bit?

[tarmyg]

Yeh, I definitely know that these reasons are real. Just wish these reasons only affected me. I just can't grasp the effect of my possible actions on those close to me.

[Sannah]

Do you want to talk more about this?