I want to be closer to my T

I finally feel like I have started trusting my new T, but lately I have wanted to be closer to her. I wish she could come over my house when im feeling bad and hold me. CRAZY!!! Its not exactly a girl crush.. but I want her to be my mom.... to care about me. I am so afraid this is going to hurt my progress as I think more about this and less about me moving forward.

((((Esthersvirtue)))) I feel for ya, and struggle with similar feelings for my T. Sending hugs your way...

((((Esthersvirtue))))
I would think it is more you just need someone do hold you when you are feeling bad and you have come to trust your T with all your feelings so naturally you would think of her.
It is a difficult feeling when it comes to your T.
Sometimes I wish I could hug my T...which I have before.
But I am the one who is stand offish. I don't think I could handle it if my T ever dropped me...
So, in a way I can relate.
Take care!
Be safe!

:

Yeah that's called transferrence.

This happens all the time. Just try to be honest with your therapist about it.

I felt this way about a few of my therapists. The first time I talked with my therapist about it. She said that she could never be my mom but she could be better.

Sometimes moms are so protective of their children they do everything for them. Hold them take care of them (feed, pick out clothes, shelter) and they do so much for them that they fix the problems for the person so the person doesn't have a chance to explore and experiment. And alot of times because the protective mom is taking care of everything the "child" doesnt learn how to express themselves for theres nothing to express. Alot of survivors are looking for that type of protective mom. but that type of mom in real life is considered abusive because children who have those types of moms becone dependant and socially delayed or worse agoriphobic and so on.

By being my therapist not the mom I am looking for I will be comforted but yet learn how to comfort myself, I will have room to explore, experiment and express myself and not becoming dependant on her. Her job is to help me to overcome my abusive past not add to it by promoting abusive ideations.

Just for the hell of it I asked her so how do I find that mom therapist if I wanted to. and she said Any therapy professional that allows such as a child parent relationship is ethically and legally wrong and always looses thier certification and or lisencing at some point because sooner or later the client ends up being transfered to another therapist and that therapist and/or client once the abusive relationship is disclosed reports that unethical therapist. So finding a therapist willing to promote a parent child relationship is so slim you might as well say you are not going to find it. Then she gave me numbers for our states board for certification and lisencing and the number for our state branch of the American Psychiatric Association and we called them together so that my head would get back on track of not reading more into our therapy time then there really was. They both told me no therapist in the United States is allowed to promote parent/child relationships between themselves and their client in any way shape of form. So I got back on track immediately and went back to learning how to take care of myself. My therapist could hold me when I was upset or needed her to but legally and ethically she could not be my mom, and I could not call her mom or consider her mom in my thoughts for that would get her into legal trouble down the road if I accidentally starting to believe there was a mother daughter relationship. And yes if she had allowed my thoughts on this to continue it would have hurt my progress because I wouldn't h ave learned to take care of my problems and myself. I would have gotten upset when she wasn't living up to my expectations and remained stuck in the child role of looking for a mom. By talking with her about it and nipping the situation I was able to get back on track and I became stronger for it. So strong that I was able to start standing up to my abuser who was 480 pounds and 6 and a half feet tall because I knew I was worth more than his play toy and punching bag. If I hadn't talked with her and her nipping the situation like she did I would be dead now because I would have expected her to rescue me instead of my fighting for myself.

Now when those thoughts come up I write in my journal that there is no way the therapist can be my mom so "wake up and get to work". When my therapists read my journals they laugh at that because alot of survivors do fall into that trap and they have at times ended up shutting down therapy with that person either temporarily or permanently by referring them to a new therapist. My writing that shows them that I value our time together so much that I don't allow myself to cross the line.

Sugestion talk with your therapist and take care of these thoughts before they do harm to you and your therapy program.

Also, the relationship you have with your T is different from ANY OTHER TYPE of relationship. It needs to be that way, for you to heal.. and for it to show by example what a good relationship looks like! It's good to realize what you want from your T, and needs to be discussed, as this is a step in the healing process. It's ok to share this information, and work through these feelings. I think you will find your T can be more than you imagine, or think you now want. TC

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I don't see how I could talk to my T about this. I feel like its just going to end in rejection. For her to have to tell me to my face that she can't be more will just make me feel horrible. I'd rather keep my fantasy to myself. I'm just afraid I'll never have that kind of comfort. No one has ever given me this time like she has.

This exact thing is happening to me too. I want her to be my mom, I want to be taken care of. I know this is wrong, but I agree that I like to keep that fantasy. It's like having the mom you never had, but hopefully that will also fill a need and then you grow past that, just like you would with a real mom, when you "grow up".
I don't know, this is all confusing, and upsetting. I feel "obsessed" and I don't like that either. I guess I have to learn how to "reparent" myself, but I haven't quite figured that one out yet.
This is rambling, but I just wanted you to know that you are not the only one! Take care.

The way I told my therapist I felt this way was to first ask her if she ever had clients who wanted to call her mom. She smiled and said yes. She felt honored by it but like everything else with honor comes difficult choices and when she has a client like that the two of them take the time needed to take care of the feeling and what is behind that feeling then asked if I felt that way.

I hated the fact that she didn't let me keep the fantasy but even then I knew it was the right thing to do otherwise I would have been hurting so much more than I already was. for me it basically came down to whether or not I wanted to feel worse or better. I could feel better by talking and taking care of the situation or I could keep the fantasy and end up hurting myself and possibly losing her when she picked up on my feelings because things like this don't show in just words it shows in tone of voice, body language and and other types of contact. and then after we talked about it I realized if I continued with the fantasy she could lose her job, license and whatever sanctions (fines, jailtime and so on) as a result. I had to decide if it was right for me to cause her that kind of pain just because I wanted to think of her as my mom.

then I thought about how I feel when someone elses actions end up effecting my life to that extreme like my losing my appartment because someone else brought a farret into it when she was my roommate. it wasn't my farret but the lease clearly stated no rodents and a ferret is in the rodent class of animals. Its not my therapists fantasy but my fantasy would eventually effect her life. I chose not to hurt her like that. I cared too much for her as a person and therapist to cause her any harm in anyway.

No one can make you give up a fantasy. but in life the choices a person makes also comes with accepting responsibilty and consequenses of our decisions.

For me keeping this type of fantasy comes with the consequense of hurting someone else and I don't have the right to do that.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

I want my T to be my mom and its all i can think about. It feels like its important and its causing abig problem at the moment cos she is saying no and I cant accept it.

I know its hard to accept. man for me it was like tearing my heart out. because I was raised in a big family. My mom didn't have alot of time to spend with us. in my family the oldest took over some of the mothering responsibilities while my mom dealt with the babies and an alcoholic husband and some partying herself.the highlight of my day wasn't curling up with mom it was sitting on my sisters back combing her hair while she read to me and fed a baby brother while a younger sister was combing my hair reading her homework aloud before school while mom was cooking breakfast for 12 children and a hung over husband. I don't remember any time with my mom until I was in high school and there were only the last of us left at home and by then she considered me too old for cuddling and was more worried about people thinking she was lez if she put her arm around me. Sometimes I pace back and forth here with all that pent up need for a mom. but its not going to happen for one my mom lives in another state and two its just not allowed in the therapy world for my therapists to be that substitute mom. I know its not going to happen and I know that to entertain the thoughts would only hurt me more so when those thoughts come I nip them just as fast and stay on track of what is really what.

Your therapist like my first one told me said to you -no. Ok heres another way of thinking about it as far as accepting yout therapists point of view - if she was anyone else in your life - relative, friend, husband, lover, children, boss co worker and so on and that person asked you to do something that you can't possibly and legally give them so you said no. would you expect that person to accept what you say and not try to force their views on you either in real life or in their fantasys? or even strangers and a rape situation do you expect no to mean no and expect that person to accept that you said no and no is no no matter what? Well its the same thing here. No has been said and no means no no matter what. your not accepting that is not going to change that no has been said. So now you can either accept it and get to work on what needs to be done to take care of the problems in your life which are the reasons you are seeing her or you can not accept her saying no and your refusalt to accept it interfers with your therapy time to the point where she says thats it we're done. Then instead of enjoying what time you could have had together as therapist/client you don't even have that. No one can make you accept it but your therapist does not have to put up with watching you make yourself miserable over it or put up withyour not accepting it interferring with the therapy time. Right now you have her its not as a mom but you have her. its up to you if you want to keep her or lose her. good luck in what you decide to do.

((myself)) for this post and answer to esthers... It helped me a lot with dealing with my own issues in therapy. It is so easy to get attached to a therapist and I have been thinking about mine a lot too... but know it's part of the progress and now I think I might adress it with her...

(((esther))) I hope you'll be able to talk to her about this as well. I'm sure it will help you and what do you have to lose? I want to be a friend with my therapist, not have her as a mom, but I know that's not possible either. I wish she could come to my house, get to know my kids and talk to me about HER life. *lol* It makes me laugh about it when I think of it, but I know how hard it is!!! You're not alone in this.

Myself,

What you say is true. The problem is that I cant seem to make myself beleive it and i cannot seem to make myself see another way. Its ruining my T and ruining my life. Im stuck in a box, and cant find any way out. My t does watch me make myself miserable over it and does nothing about it. Just keeps saying no. Im thnking of ending therapy about it. My life is on hold, all other relationsips have became no existent. Ive lost everything and all I can think about is that she needs to be my mom

Im pathetic

((((((((((normal))))))))))) You did deserve a mom. I'm sorry you didn't get the mothering you needed from your mom.

how often do you see her? if its weekly maybe you can try going every other week and in between have an activity about nurturing yourself to do. This helped me alot. my therapist would tell me "ok we're not seeing each other next week so I want you to spend so many minutes a day taking a buble bath and then put body lotion on. (this is something a mother would do for a child but I was doing it for myself so my therapist was teaching me how to mother myself.) Another activity I had to do was buy "the cat and the hat". Take a bath, get jammies on and read the book before bed.

And yes it may come down to therapy with this therapist ending. But the question here if that happens is what has been taken care of so that it won't happen again? The reason I say this is because I have had 19 therapists and these thoughts have come with 6 of them. So from personal experience right now while in the thick of it is when to take care of it. The first step letting the therapist know the thoughts are there is done. being told no is done. Now you need to learn how to mother yourself so that next time the situation happens you can nip it a little bit easier, and the time after that it will be even easier and so on. Im not going to be stupid and say its not going to hurt and its never going to happen again but by knowing how to be a mother to yourself you will be able to recognize when the thoughts come again and will know how to take care of it so that you aren't just hanging with a no.

How about if you talk to your therapist. tell her you know she says no and right now it hurts like anything but you know that its time to have her teach you to be a mother to yourself. I can almost promise she will jump at this and will give you so many ideas on where to start. My therapist was full of ideas from bubble baths to treating myself to things I coulldn't even imagine a mother would do. and I still use her bubble bath idea every night before bed.

I need to serious help with this, but im concious of taking time from the person with the original problem. I dont want to take up space on a tpoic when it was someone else who started this. It feels like they need to space too.

Sorry

Hi All,

I tend to feel similarly about my therapist. It's not exactly that I want him to be my dad, but I do want more than I know he can give. He's mentioned the idea of self-parenting a couple of times. It almost seems like a dirty word, self-parenting. Who wants to be their own parent? I want someone else to take over the parenting, so I can feel those things I didn't get to feel before; I don't want to be the one to provide them ~~ it seems almost lame by comparison. Unfortunately, I do recognize that it's up to me. Either I learn to self-parent, or I never feel that, cause there's no one hanging around looking to foster and provide all that stuff to an adult.

I'm addressing some of it at my next session. I almost brought it up 2 sessions ago, but when I realized where the question was going, and that I was about to ask for something I knew he would have to refuse, I just shut up. He gave me options about how I might try to ask the question, since it was kind of obvious where I was leading, but I refused to discuss it any further. Didn't bring it up last session either, but it was almost a worthless session because I spent so much time avoiding that one issue that we didn't really get into anything else either. So I'll bring it up this week. I'm sure he'll do his best not to hurt me when he says no. Growing hurts a lot. How come no one says that on the way into this?

"Growing pain not dieing pain" to quote a friend.

Take Care, Quay