My T has been out of town (working) since Thursday. I saw him last Monday, and I'll see him Thursday...which is a long break between sessions for me, as I'm in the process of adjusting to once-a-week sessions. I know I CAN do it, because I took the longer break, and I know we're still connected, and all of that...but I miss him, he's totally unreachable by e-mail/phone, and I feel like I need his support.

I keep thinking about the "piece of me" that he took with him, so I know I'm not forgotten, and that helps. AND I want him to come back and e-mail me to reconnect.

My mom did this thing this weekend where she "disappears". She starts drinking and stops answering her phone for days, and every time...EVERY time...I think that she's either dead, or maybe unable to get to the phone (like she's had a stroke or something) and that I am supposed to go and rescue her. But I don't because I know she's probably just drunk and it will be ugly and scary. And eventually she reappears and acts like nothing has happened. Every single time, it just sends me into this place of cold fear, even though it's happened ALL through my life. I hate that I can't stop feeling that fear.

I started writing an e-mail to T about it, and I wrote in the subject line "disappearing Mom" and it SO struck me. When T and I made our list of things we hate about therapy, "disappearing T" was number one or two on my list. I never, ever, ever tied my fear of T disappearing with my experience of my mom disappearing until I wrote that. I'm not even sure what to DO with it, but there it is.

I am angry at her, and not sure how to handle it. Even now, her anger at me is very scary, and I feel SUPER responsible for her, so I feel like I'm "supposed" to just act like nothing happened. But what I want to do is never ever answer the phone again. Ever. She called this morning and I just ignored the call.

My son plays travel baseball and his team was in this huge championship game last night. She knew it was happening. The park is about 2 miles from her house. I called her in the morning to remind her, but of course, she didn't answer, and she didn't show up. When her alcoholism and behaviors affect my kids, it makes me more angry that ANYTHING else she does.

I really just want my T to come back. I want him to tell me that I'm okay, and loved, and not really responsible for my mom, no matter how much I feel like I am.

That's all. He'll be back this afternoon, and I know I'll hear from him either tonight or tomorrow. But I feel like I've been waiting forever, and I want him to come back from "disappearing".

[mixedup_emotions]

Wow, Tree, that's a powerful connection!!! And it will serve you well in therapy when T gets back.

I love how you allow yourself to accept conflicting sides of how you feel....that's so huge for me, as I need to work on that lesson for myself. I hope you hear from T soon. ((( HUGS )))

[Waitfornot]

Hey tree, YOU are NOT responsible for your mom!!! I have a feeling your T has probably said that before. So close your eyes and let that voice in.

[nannypat]

It must be so hard dealing with your mom's behavior, especially when it affects your kids.( How was the game?) I guess that's why they call it the sandwich generation. Taking care of both your parents and your kids. BIG job. lots of conflict and T not around ugh! I am glad he will be back today even if you don't see him until Thursday. At least you know he is around. Sending you hugs.

Originally Posted by nannypat

( How was the game?)

(((((nannypat))))..this made me CRY. It made me feel SO strongly how I've spent my life so desperate to be seen/heard/cared about...and how I want that for my kids (although I am able to give that to them, and that's very empowering for me).

Thank you for asking that. And...they lost

(((((waitfornot))))) and (((((MUE))))), thank you for replying. It helps.

[darkrunner]

(((((((Treehouse))))))

I just want to give you a gigantic hug.
That is such a big realization to have. I really think it will be good to talk about it with your T.

I'm glad you accept the fact that your connection with your T doesn't disappear like your connection with your mom does. It is not fair and you deserve better than how your mom treas you. But you are brave and admirable for giving to your kids all that you didn't get.

[swimmergirl]

(((((((((tree)))))))))) It is tough when you have to go awhile without seeing T. I know, I have been there. I agree with others that I like the insight of "I am not responsibile for my mom". I struggle with similar issues with my parents at times. Just picture your T telling you this until you can reconnect with him. Thinking of you.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by treehouse

Every single time, it just sends me into this place of cold fear, even though it's happened ALL through my life. I hate that I can't stop feeling that fear.

I am angry at her, and not sure how to handle it. Even now, her anger at me is very scary, and I feel SUPER responsible for her, so I feel like I'm "supposed" to just act like nothing happened. But what I want to do is never ever answer the phone again. Ever. She called this morning and I just ignored the call.

Definitely some things to talk about in therapy. If it has been happening all your life you are being triggered now as an adult and when you are triggering you are responding as that small and scared child.

[SpiritRunner]

you are making powerful insights tree........the best I have are more big safe hugs for you!

[dizgirl2011]

Hey Tree,

from your previous posts about your T I can tell he really cares about you and I know he will be in contact soon- "hold on in there" **huge hugs**

It sounds like you feel very afraid of your mum's alcoholism and what could happen to her, this is completely understandable but very unfair on you and your family. Unfortunately hun your mum makes the decison to drink, she picks up the bottle and she hides herself from others so she can be alone with her addiction - this is not your fault or responsibility, it never has been and it never will be because as individuals we all have our own choices to make in life. Has she ever concidered a type of rehab? It sounds like your afraid to even talk to her about it, is that right? I can imagine it's very difficult to watch someone you love hurt themselves in that way. I think you are right to put a bit of distance between yourself and your mum by not answering the phone, esp if this is a regualr occurance and she makes no attempts to get help.

****huge hugs!*****

[learning1]

Cool insight Tree. I hope it continues to be useful for you as you process it.

So, my H came home from work early today and proceeded to drink an entire 6 pack of beer. Then when I took my son to martial arts, he DROVE to the liquor store and bought another six pack and drank four more. Holy crap. Drunk people are (obviously) triggering for me, and I've had to work really really hard to just kind of be okay. I know I am an adult and not a child, and keeping that in mind has helped (that probably seems so obvious, but it's so hard for me when I'm triggered).

I called my mom back at 4 this afternoon and she didn't answer, which means she's drunk. She will call tomorrow at 8, or expect me to call. I don't know what to do. I don't WANT to talk to her first thing in the morning, but I am expected to. I am literally the only person she has in her life. Ugh. UGH! I probably can't ignore her two days in a row.

Anyhow, T is back in town, and he e-mailed me and told me that he had the thing from his desk with him all weekend That made me feel good, and cared for.

[purple_fins]

oh Tree.

I can so so relate to the disappearing mom. cept my mother, instead of drinking, has personality disorders which results in her wanting to be cared for by her children, expecting us to be there when she needs and demanding acceptance that she won't be there when we need her. (she never came to any birthday parties I had for my sons and she's the only family within 500 miles of us, didn't come to sports events... ugh, you know how it is, I'm sorry)

I think it's a HUGE revelation that you have connected T. being out of touch with you and your past feelings of your mother being "out"--- Now you can know that it is NOT the same.

and the drinking husband... ugh....
are we living parallel lives
or what

YOU don't have to be there for your mother at 8 tomorrow..... you can call her back when YOU are ready to.
think about Tree and take care of her-- K?

when we are used to caring for parents ALL our whole lives it's so hard to NOT do that(it's all we've known).... but it's OK... you can let go and be there when it is a better time for you. I think with people that have treated us with no regard, it is only proper to treat them likewise(now that we are adults)-- it's the only way they seem to know-- in a few cases, it can even open up their eyes to their shortcomings-- but, forewarning-- it doens't always work out that way.

ugh.... this sets off so many triggers for me!!.... (no offense to you, just my junk I'm still struggling with! ugh)

you're in my thoughts and my heart,

fins