Being angry with people?

Abby · Jun 02, 2011, 04:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sannah

Why am I angry with people?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sannah

That brought a tear Peg. I think you are on to something. Maybe I am angry because no one can see that I have been hurt?

Sannah, I hear your pain, I understand deeply how much it hurts when noone hears your pain. It is a profound pain to be ignored.

Sometimes I get angry because (I think) I'm really scared. I push people away because I think they will push me away. I think they're not 'good enough' because I don't think I'm good enough (although I often don't admit this to a part of myself). I wonder if this is similar to you because I remember your post about fearing being judged. Being scared is, well, scary!.....and it is (maybe) easier to be angry?

High standards can be lonely, but I understand what Echos says...high standards keep others out, it makes them irrelevant and unimportant which minimises the pain?

I care and I so wish I had more to offer.

ECHOES · Jun 02, 2011, 04:34 PM

Aren't high standards a way of excluding others, of keeping them at a distance.
And maybe a fear or two about being someone who wouldn't be accepted by another with high standards.

Just thinking 'out loud'..

Sannah · Jun 03, 2011, 02:45 PM

Very good thoughts on high standards. Thanks! Yes, I would have to agree that it keeps people back and it keeps you safe and that fear just might be why I'm doing this.

What I have been doing since I started this thread is being very aware of all of my thoughts and reactions when I am interacting with others. I think this is the only way that I'm really going to solve this, by being very aware and analyzing what I find to figure out what it means. There is lots to think about and figure out here.

pachyderm · Jun 03, 2011, 03:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sannah

I drop people as friends when they disapoint me by not being perfect.

I am dropping you right now!

SpiritRunner · Jun 03, 2011, 03:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sannah

Very good thoughts on high standards. Thanks! Yes, I would have to agree that it keeps people back and it keeps you safe and that fear just might be why I'm doing this.

What I have been doing since I started this thread is being very aware of all of my thoughts and reactions when I am interacting with others. I think this is the only way that I'm really going to solve this, by being very aware and analyzing what I find to figure out what it means. There is lots to think about and figure out here.

fear of being found lacking or fear of being judged or fear of others' anger/disappointment in your own lacks, imperfections?
Yes, I see how high standards build sort of a wall around you, a wall to keep yourself in, and a wall to keep others out, a wall to keep their judgment out! to keep from being hurt....
And yet, a wall like that can lead to the painful thing of being/feeling ignored when others DO see it and stay away because they are afraid of it or don't think it worth the effort to try to get past!

learning1 · Jun 04, 2011, 12:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sannah

Very good thoughts on high standards. Thanks! Yes, I would have to agree that it keeps people back and it keeps you safe and that fear just might be why I'm doing this.

What I have been doing since I started this thread is being very aware of all of my thoughts and reactions when I am interacting with others. I think this is the only way that I'm really going to solve this, by being very aware and analyzing what I find to figure out what it means. There is lots to think about and figure out here.

Being aware of thoughts and reactions when interacting with others, as well as analyzing it, sounds like a good start. Also letting yourself FEEL how you feel, even when it's uncomfortable. Good luck Sannah.

Sannah · Jun 08, 2011, 09:04 AM

I have moved forward on this, wow! I have found that I have relaxed a little. I've been aware of my reactions over this last week to others. It definitely has been a protective mechanism.

I have been thinking about my history over the last 10 to 15 years and at the beginning of this period I couldn't even sit comfortably with others. I worked to a point where I can be comfortable with others but then I thought that I won the race and I was done. No, a person doesn't come from where I was and get to the finish line that quickly.

So I got comfortable with others in social situations. Friendships go beyond social situations! Duh!

One of my favorite things to say here is "You need to identify your issue before you can work on it" - Well, I'm glad that I have FINALLY identified this issue. I have been struggling with not having friends for maybe 5 years now and I was clueless as to what the problem was.

It has been identified - now I can work on it!

lastyearisblank · Jun 08, 2011, 11:45 AM

I can identify a lot with this and I don't think you're alone. I am more comfortable just being in social situations than I used to be. I am more comfortable being liked and tolerating anxiety about if friendships are going to last because I don't feel like I need people as much and I've realized that, like in your quote, my range of motion to be myself in relationships and make demands on others, instead of just being there for people, is a lot bigger than I thought it was.

BUT I think it's easier for some people who just want friends so they can do activities together. For me I want friends who really have my back. And maybe it's the same for you, saying you don't like shallowness? The thing is, I don't do potlucks or BBQS or patio furniture or bonding over people with our new Iphone or whatever, and I don't want to. And that's scary. Putting yourself out there to be possibly rejected, by the kind of person you like enough that you would want to have as a friend (or for me boyfriend, or mentor, or whatever...), is potentially a blow to the ego. So maybe that's part of it for you as well. Maybe you are so angry at people because part of you finds it painful to admit, well I really like some people, I'm just not sure about MYSELF.

Sannah · 09:22 AM

My unconscious has been working on this one all week. My awareness has really increased. I am so aware now of all of my negative reactions and feelings to others IRL that it has become uncomfortable. It is funny, it is like I was so unaware of my negative feelings that they didn't exist. In my discomfort this last week I thought to myself that I just need to let these negative feelings come out. Talk about repression! Maybe this is where my optimism comes from? It was sort of like a defense against my negative thoughts? (Called Reaction Formation - when you feel the opposite of what you are really feeling).

I can see how projection might have been at work here. My own negative feelings, that I was surely disowning and repressing, were probably coming out and being projected and attached to others.

I am feeling less anxious because not being aware of your negative feelings and then using all sorts of defenses against them causes a lot of anxiety. Just accepting and being aware of my negative feelings is much better!

I feel closer to my husband now too because I am less anxious.

I do feel hopeful that I will work through this. I am already feeling more hopeful about closer friendships.

All of this started with me reading about my attachment style of Dismissive and how many Defenses this attachment style uses. It really increased my awareness. Too cool!

SpiritRunner · Jun 13, 2011, 08:55 AM

sounds like good work, Sannah!

pachyderm · Jun 16, 2011, 09:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sannah

In my discomfort this last week I thought to myself that I just need to let these negative feelings come out.

Depends on what you mean by "come out"! Coming out to yourself (recognizing them) is different than coming out to other people. In the latter case they may prove problematic!

I guess the trick is to learn how to do one without doing the other (unless you are careful).

Sannah · Jun 16, 2011, 01:37 PM

I meant just for the feelings to come out for me Pachy! (Come to my awareness)

dismissed feelings · Jun 16, 2011, 06:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pegasus

Sounds to me like you have been hurt in the past Sannah and that has carried on. I keep people at a distance too, just so I can't get hurt again, maybe this is the case with you and then you feel angry because of that wall you put up.

This is why I think I do this as well Pegasus.

greensept · Jun 16, 2011, 06:34 PM

WOW after I read these posts I can see how it helps people to talk to each other going through the same things...

geez · 09:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sannah

I have been trying to figure out why I don't have any close friends for years and I think that this might be part of the puzzle.

I drop people as friends when they disapoint me by not being perfect.

Sannah you took the words out of my head "I drop people as friends when they disapoint me by not being perfect."

For me it was about self preservation when it came to dropping friendships. I have a side to me that desperatly wants to connect with people in a genuine way while at the same time protecting myself to not get hurt. The second they do something that I don't find ok (nothing major mind you) I decide that because of xyz they really aren't a friend or someone I should call my friend. There are people who I don't have in my life because the relationships aren't healthy however there are people who really aren't caustic and I label them as such ( the one wrong move syndrom ). I am working on being more accepting of people's differences/quirks and I now am reaching out and making friends more IRL (probably why I'm not on PC as much these days). I'm putting myself out there and if there are any 'issues' or doubts about someone's intentions I'm upfront and polite about what's bothering me instead of just dropping them.

Have you thought about joining a group in your area of sorts? I'm a stay at home mom and I belong to a local moms club. It's been a god send for me to connect to other moms and I think I may have what is starting to be a really good friendship.

Thank you for this thread! It has given me some insight by reading your thoughts. We are very similar in some ways

Sannah · Jun 19, 2011, 09:17 PM

Hi Geez, it does sound like our issues are very similar. I was in a Mom's Club when my children were young and I really enjoyed it and I did connect with other moms at that time (then we moved away). Now my children are in school.

I started another thread on this subject that was moved to the Relationship Board. It isn't getting much input over there.

Sannah · Jun 21, 2011, 01:05 PM

I think that I drop people when they aren't perfect because I'm really scared to be around dysfunctional people. Thinking back, when a friend wasn't perfect it was something to do with being dysfunctional. I spent the first 2 decades of my life around dysfunctional people and I don't ever want to be trapped there again!

I do have one friend that I have had for over 20 years but I moved away from her years and years ago. She is perfect. Sweet and always safe.

I started volunteering at the middle school this year and I always talk to one of the secretaries there. We are both from Michigan and she also likes to garden. She is quirky and I like that. I gave her some tomato plants that I started from seed and she emailed me twice about them. (Because we are out for the summer). Maybe this will evolve into a friendship?

Sannah · Jun 21, 2011, 01:10 PM

(I just brought this over from my thread that got moved since it is a piece of this puzzle too.)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sannah

I have been working on my lack of close friendships. I just got a few more clues as to what might be going on with this.

I just realized that I have a close relationship with my husband and children AND I can handle socializing out with others in any situation. These are 2 extremes but I'm clueless about the middle stuff here - close friendships.

I have been working on the negative feelings that I have just become aware of which surface when I am interacting with others outside of my family. (I guess I was repressing these previously). I'm just letting them come to my awareness and taking note of them.

I'm wondering if I am having these negative feelings because I have found comfort in the environment and my routines and others and close friends interfere with this?

In my family, being the mom, I can direct my environment and my husband and children are responsive to this because this has been a mom's area in organizing the family and the household (perfect huh!).

I can handle socializing because it is time limited. You just learn the social skills and it can be handled. You go out for up to a half day with others and then you can come back to your life.

Close friendships cannot be handled this way, though. I'm having a hard time developing close friendships because I have these routines that I don't want to be interfered with?

These "routines" are what make me feel safe?

For instance, when my kids have the neighbor kids over, if the kid is well behaved it is good. If the kid lacks boundaries it is not good for me. When a child feels they can come over and open our refrigerator and just take things out or destroy our personal property it sets me on edge. (And we do tell the child what our house rules are - "you can't go into our refrigerator", "you cannot do these things in our home".)

I guess it comes down to me feeling comfortable without control? I guess my negative feelings about others is coming from my fear and my fear is coming from not feelings safe or like things are in control?

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