I have years and years and years worth of emails stored on my email acct- just because I tend to read them and never delete them.

Today, I was thinking "I should clean this out". There are over 100,000 messages, dating back to early 2006. !!!

As I was doing it, I was making a folder for my therapy e-mails, and I did a search for my therapist's e-mail address, and found out that we've sent each other something like 1900 e-mails since I started therapy. I guess in 3 1/2 years, that works out to an e-mail and a response a few times a week. But still, wow.

I read my e-mails from the beginning of therapy. I read the very first e-mail I sent asking him about therapy after I found him on the psychology today website....2 months before I actually called and made my first appointments. And his response, that I forwarded to a friend, wondering what she thought of him.

I read some e-mails from my first six months or so of therapy and it was SO painful. I can't believe how much I've changed since then, just in terms of managing my emotions. Even in the craziness of right now, there is SUCH a big difference. And my fear in those first e-mails jumps off the page - fear that I'm too much, fear that I'm making T angry, fear fear fear. It doesn't even sound like me.

It's funny, because T and I have a "code" that we use when I want a reply, but we didn't at the beginning and I was the first client he e-mailed with, so there as a lot of confusion at the beginning. I don't know when we came up with the "code", but I do remember feeling so irritated, because I have to use these 4 really specific words (I just abbreviate them now).

Reading the e-mails, I could see how far I've come, and how much T has changed as a therapist, and how much our relationship has grown. From not knowing each other at all in those first e-mails before my first session to e-mails we exchanged earlier this week where we just have to say a few words and we both totally get it because we know each other so well.

It was kind of nice to find those in the middle of how I'm feeling right now. I feel like my higher power or the universe or something keeps plopping things in front of me that show that I *have* made progress since the beginning of therapy, and that I will get through this stuff too. I am scared to hold onto that hope, because it FEELS so impossible. But. Maybe.

I've been reading through them (there's something like 39 pages, so I just click on random ones) and I started at the beginning and am working my way forward through time to now.

I was SO APOLOGETIC every time I e-mailed him for years and years. I keep waiting to get to the part where I don't apologize (I'm up to March 2010 now) and I'm not there yet, although I am starting to see the shift.

I feel bad for the person who wrote those e-mails. It seems so hard to be her. And then I realize that person is ME and my brain kind of blows up.

Walking away from the computer for a while. Need to find Now.

WOW is right! my mouth is hanging open. this is a good thing though, you have made sooo much progress and with the emails you are able to see it right there in black and white!

I wouldn't feel bad for the person that wrote those emails, I for one, would feel proud. COURAGE, STRENGTH, and of course, GRACE!!!

take care of you, you are okay just as you are!!

sending tons and tons of safe hugs

I just ran into an e-mail from LAST JULY where I say something to T about the very thing we're dealing with right now. I didn't know I had said anything to him about it. I thought it was all in my head until now. I guess I mentioned it....and then I do remember him wanting to talk more about it and me FREAKING OUT and a phone call we had where I was sitting in a parking lot in my car just sobbing because I didn't want to talk about it and he was trying to make me. And then he went on vacation and that was that.

And now it's now. And here we are again, but it's different this time. I guess this time I'm going to try to really do it.

Ugh. I'm going to a 12 step meeting. I need to. I need to see some other people (my H and boys are at a movie). I need, I need, I need.

Blah.

[googley]

((((((((((((Tree)))))))))))

I hope your 12 step meeting went well. It is okay to need. I know when you were growing up it was not okay for you to need, it wasn't safe. But it is okay. We are here for you. So is your T and your 12 step group members.

[Indie'sOK]

((((((((Tree))))))))))))
Tree, I love that! Finding old letters is great...it's a big shock to see how much we've changed and yet it's often for the better. Every so often I come across journal entries I'd written in the early days with my Old T, probably a little over two years ago. It's painful because she's no longer a part of my life, but at the same time it's refreshing to see that I HAVE grown as a writer. It's like the proof I needed that even my most illogical of thoughts cannot deny. Hang in there Tree, this too will pass - like you said
And keep writing!

When I get upset about therapy, I go back and delete everything I have written that has anything to do with therapy. I cannot stand to read some of the things I have written. It makes me feel so ridiculous that I actually let my therapist read that stuff.

Later on, I kinda wish I had not done that.

[dizgirl2011]

Hey Tree,

wow thats a lot of emails! I think it's great your therapist allows good email communication and it has obviously been a great help and support to you!

It's great that you have those emails to look at and see how far you have come also! It sounds like you have made a huge amount of progress and have helped your therapist grow as well

[SpiritRunner]

wow is right! that's a lot of emails! I'm sure it's helpful to see how far you have come by going back through them, though....I know looking at poems I have written in the past is helpful in seeing where I have been and where I now and that I have made progress in some ways (which is encouraging).....

((((((((((Tree))))))))))))))))) I think its great that you have something tangable like that to be able to look at how far you've come. It kinda helps you see light when some darkness seeps in. I kind of wish I had something like that to look at. Be proud of you. ((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I feel bad for the person who wrote those e-mails. It seems so hard to be her. And then I realize that person is ME and my brain kind of blows up.

(((((treehouse))))) There is a core and a truth that is you and was there before and is there now. When you see beyond those words, there is that for you to know about yourself--it will not make you blow up. A core recognition will feel right. But that other stuff--I understand about the brain blowing up. Just know that it is not the stuff that makes you you.

I am SO grateful that my T has been working so much with me the past couple of weeks on grounding. Especially at my last session. In my message, he said it was so good that I let him help me, and that we were able to work together to bring me back from where I was. He was somewhere a few weekends ago with some other therapists that are some of the best in the country and I know that they talked a LOT about grounding. I'm really glad he brought that back, because it feels like we're much more focused on it then we used to be. I think paying so much attention to grounding has helped me feel a lot more safe in general.

Today, I was at baseball ALL DAY with my oldest son. Every once in a while I would find myself zoning out and I was able to catch myself and get grounded and back to where I was supposed to be.

In some ways, it feels frustrating, to have to ground myself over and over and over and over again. But I guess at the same time, I am so lucky that someone has SO patiently taught me how to do that. It's taken years and years, but I feel like I'm finally "getting" it.

Because of what I'm dealing with, *EVERYTHING* is triggering. I see children and automatically wonder if they're safe, I see adults and wonder what happened to them as children, I see children and adults together and wonder and hope and pray that everything is as okay as it looks in public. It just constantly comes up. So, I am constantly pulling myself back and grounding myself.

As an aside, on my way to my 12 step mtg last night, something was in my head and I did the thing T told me I can do - called and used his voice mail as a container - and it worked, AGAIN. I left the message, and I forgot it, and it's GONE. I don't know what I said.

So. I guess I meant to complain (I keep getting triggered, I have to keep grounding myself), but in the end, there are more good things than bad (I CAN ground myself, I can use T's voice mail as a container and it works, I have T to learn all of that from and PC to share it).

I'm going to try to hang onto the "good".

[googley]

That is so awesome Tree. It is so wonderful to be able to see the good, even when it seems like the bad is overwhelming.

[itsmeshorti]

Tree I am so happy for you right now! Your posts are giving me hope. I am always sitting here wondering when I will be "all better". This post has gotten me to thinking about when I first started therapy, and where I am now, and what a wonderful feeling to see that I have made progress!

My T is working with me on grounding techniques right now too. I agree it is totally frustrating, but I just keep hearing T saying to me eventually you won't have to think about it, you will be able to ground automatically. So I keep working at it even through my frustration.

Keep growing!

(((tree))) LMAO tree hugger! I love it!!!

[rainbow_rose]

Tree, your original post give me hope. Right now, I'm in that icky place of peeling back those first layers and seeing your comments about how you can see how far you've come gives me hope that maybe one day I'll see that too and that I just need to hang on through all this icky-ness.