a drop of hope

I have been so miserable, so I asked to see T today and he actually had time for a session (he is usually WAY booked up).

We started with some small talk, but almost immediately, I felt how sad I was. Tears were just rolling down my face while we were talking. SO much sadness

A lot of it is this fear that I. will. never. be. happy. I don't mean laughing and smiling all the time. I just mean...kind of OKAY. Not running away from things, not vascilating between numb and hurt and dissociated, not scared all the time, not overwhelmed by the voices in my head telling me what a horrible, ugly person I am. Just okay. At peace. I am so scared that that will never exist for me.

This morning before I knew I was going to see T, I wrote my fears down on scraps of paper and put them in a little box where I meditate to try to just let them go and turn them over to my higher power. I wrote "I am scared I will never be happy" and "I am scared I will never be able to accept myself".

It was an intense session, I guess because I was able to stay present the whole time, and we worked really hard. It's way too much to type here. It hurt to tap into all of the sadness and to talk so openly about it.

I told T that when I left I was still going to BE WITH ME. I hate that I can't get away from myself and the constant negative loop in my head. It hurts. He said that we needed to think of something I could take with me, to try to provide some balance to all of the negative stuff.

Towards the end, we were talking about the rupture we had recently, and how I can't ask him now to sit with me. I mean, I CAN, but I just don't feel comfortable right now. I guess we talked about that for a little bit. There wasn't very much time left and I just couldn't ask. So I asked if we could reach across the room again and touch fingers. He moved his chair close to me and we touched fingers and then he kind of gently held my hand in his. He said "is this okay?" and it was.

I asked him if he really thinks I'm okay. Like, okay, just how I am. And he says that he really really things that. And he looked at me and told me that the feelings he has about me are that I am good and that he likes me so much and that I'm brave and he's proud of me and he's honored to know me. And some other things.

And I said that maybe if the WHOLE UNIVERSE thinks I'm bad, like EVERY piece of the universe, maybe he can be a little drop of me being good. And he said "I can be that for you" and I said that's what I would take with me. And he gave me a little stone to take home, to represent that little drop of hope. He gave it to me without me even asking for it.

So. It hurt and I cried and I'm glad I went, I guess. I know the only way out is through. But wow, the through just sucks sometimes.

Tree,

I'm so where you are, looking for my drop of hope. Good for you for keeping going..

78

I'm so proud of you for opening up to your T like that. I'm feeling much the way you are right now. Many hugs and comforting thoughts. Perhaps we can all lean on eachother??

Tree (and Seventy Eight) - the WHOLE UNIVERSE doesn't think you're bad.

I don't.

so there, now you have two drops.

I have a feeling that there are many drops of hope just here on PC, that if you run them all together and add your boys and your H and all the people IRL who love you (I know they exist) there's a river of hope.

but if you're not ready for the river, that's all right too; just take this one little drop. OK?

((((((((((Tree))))))))))

You can have my drop of belief and care if you want it/or can take it. It is here for you whenever you want to take it.

I have a drop for both of you also when you are ready.

(tree, i hope i'm not crowding your thread!)

about thirty minutes after posting that, i heard from my therapist. she replied to an email that i sent her, which is somewhat unusual. so there's my (more than) drop of hope.

now, who else needs one?

Tree - I'm so glad you had such a powerful session. I know that for me, being stuck with myself is sometimes like living in a nightmare, and my T is so good at bringing me back to reality.

Glad too, that you were able to talk about the rupture, if only for a few minutes.

Hold on to this. It is so necessary for me to hear this kind of stuff from my T, too, and I'm so glad your T was able to help you see that you are not the evil person you think you are!

(Why is it that so many of us, myself included, see ourselves as horrible people?! )

i know that the whole universe doesn't think you are bad because i am part of that universe and i don't think you are bad at all.not any part of you.i think you are struggling right now and in this struggle you are being so brave and Strong and so not bad at all

EXCELLENT work!! Keep working, it will get better............

Just wanted to add my drop of hope, Tree. I haven't said much around here so far, but I've read a lot. And while I'm really sorry about all the trouble you're having lately, I've seen how smart and how kind you are, and I think that makes you really good.

Glad you have that hope.

You have an amazing ability to communicate here and I appreciate it so much. You're a great person.

((((((Tree)))))) I am so glad you got to touch your T in a safe way - esp after the rupture! That is also awesome he gave you a hope stone :-)

glad you had a session like that tree, a drop of hope when you needed it.....I need a few drops too.....

Aww...((( TREE )))

I am so glad that T is there with you through all of this.....I admire your strength and the closeness that you both have....T is with you, all the way....

((( HUGS )))