[mixedup_emotions]

*sigh*

I am so sorry again for being so absent lately. I have been in migraine misery and it's just been an extremely difficult time. Know that I am thinking of you all and do care.

I had group T tonight, and I wish I could take back what I shared....

Some of you may recall me sharing about my (now ex) husband forcing me into having a sexual experience with a very dangerous, mentally unstable guy - who happened to be the son of one of my closest friends.

When I addressed it in individual therapy, T was encouraging me to tell my close friend...and I swore I would never, ever, ever tell her...

Well, last night, I don't remember what led up to it....but she was talking about her son and his issues....and bad behavior....etc....there was that window of opportunity and somehow I just took that leap....and I told her.

She paused.....and then said, "Was he any good?".....and then questioning why I went through with it.....



The rest of the conversation was pretty much a blur.....and I just remember feeling so incredibly guilty.....

So, tonight, during group T, I shared that I finally told - and gave some background info for those who were relatively new and weren't aware....and I got such mixed reactions. From the men, no real response - except one guy who questioned why I decided to tell her....and the newer women in group saying that I was a victim....

T said some things about how concerned he was with the feedback I was getting - or not getting - and he gave me some very caring feedback - that he is appalled at my friend's response, that it took a lot of courage for me to tell her, and that he hopes it doesn't deter me. After that, there was some more affirming feedback from some of the others....

Now.....after digesting what's happened somewhat over the last 24 hours, I wish I could take it all back...I feel SUCH shame at the idea of people judging me for "why I went through with it"....or...."why I chose to tell her now, so long after it happened"......

I wish I could take it all back......

[granite1]

mue wow that was a huge leap and i am also appalled at your friends reaction.i feelsad that your friend has such little insight into her sons horrable and devistating behaviors.how invalidating it must have been for you.i would hope that the people in your group wouldnt be judgemental of you at all. you have taken such big scary steps and i hope you are able to continue foward.let your T help you.

I am SO glad that your T supported you in group. You deserved to be supported, and it sounds like once the other group members heard that, they "got it" and were better able to support you.

It's okay to tell. What happened isn't your fault, and you need to do what you need to do to heal. Whenever I tell ANYTHING, I wish I would take the words back...but eventually that feeling fades.

Hang in there...and I hope your head feels better.

[SpiritRunner]

I am glad you got good feedback from T and sorry you didn't get such good feedback from your friend, you deserved better than that. No shame in telling.....

[WePow]

You were very brave and you did what was RIGHT.
That is the bottom line. I am sure your friend was responding out of her own issues and pain. Allow her some space and time to process through things.
I am glad that your T was able to help you out when the group wasn't.
You did what you needed to do for healthy reasons. And it was what was healthy for your relationship with your friend as well. That was a wall that you knew was there and she didn't. You did the right thing.

[dizgirl2011]

Hey mixed_up emotions,

first of all huge hugs and good on you for taking the leap and telling people! I am so glad your T has been supportive also. You have nothing to feel guilty about. The word "forcing" when describing the incident your husband put you in is enough to know that it was something you did not want to do and which you should never have been forced or cohersed into.

Your friend reacted in a really insensitive way. Is she usually like this or could it be that she panicked and said the wrong thing? Sometimes when people can't handle what is being said to them they make a joke or comment to try to lessen the impact of the situation but in fact make things worse, which may have been what happened also.

You did well to talk about this! that took real courage!

[Sannah]

[siljie]

You should be very proud of yourself for confessing these things, even if some of the responses weren't as you hoped them to be. I do hope things get better for you, and please don't feel guilty about it. Guilt is such a suffocating, drowning feeling... and you shouldn't have to lug it around even if you didn't do anything initially wrong - your ex H forced you, did he not? Good luck.

I'm so in awe of you ability to talk about this, mixedupemotions! I don't believe . . . no, I KNOW that I wouldn't have been able to talk about this so honestly. You mention that you wish you could take back what you said in the group. Do you still feel that way? I know that often when I "confess" or talk honestly about how I feel, I regret it later. But then a longer time down the road, when I take a look at what I've said or felt, I don't feel that strongly. I sure hope that you feel comfortable with what you're said, because it is so important. If not now, I hope comfort comes in the near future!

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks, everyone...

It's difficult to see myself as brave when I'm consumed by the guilt and shame.....but I know that T sees this as a huge step.

One of the things that is stressed to me in therapy is that how a person reacts to something is not the measure of success....I do understand. But it's just so hard to talk about such deeply painful issues and then take in feedback like that.

One person in group reacted so empathetically to what happened, and I felt so small....I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I don't want to be seen as a victim. I don't want to be pitied. I want to be valued for ME and seen for ME. Not what happened to me.

....and this is just the tip of the iceberg. I have much MUCH more difficulty talking about the multiple CSA's and the physical abuse from my parents who I love so dearly....I wonder if I should just vomit it all out now in group T - just to get it over with - like ripping off the bandaid as opposed to slowly pulling it off.....OR NOT.....

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

One person in group reacted so empathetically to what happened, and I felt so small....I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I don't want to be seen as a victim. I don't want to be pitied. I want to be valued for ME and seen for ME. Not what happened to me.

This is a really important thing to take note of (great awareness!). When she was kind to you did you interpret that you were weak then?

[geez]

(((MUE))) That was really brave of you to share you story with your friend and at group. I am in aw of how brave you are. I will think of you whenever I feel like I need to say something but feel afraid.