T and the weekend

Jun 25, 2011, 05:42 PM

T has big changes going on in his life...big enough that I am aware of them, and we have talked about them in session a little bit (nothing super personal, but just information). I know that this weekend he is very, very busy with those changes, and he will be for a while.

A lot of it has to do with doing things around the house. I love to do things around the house (like repairs and painting and stuff) and so does T. (H HATES it). I spent my childhood, teen years, and young adulthood following my dad around while he did house projects, learning and helping. We spent hours wandering the aisles of Home Depot.

T said at the end of session on Thursday that he feels "fatherly" towards me. Part of me wonders if he was triggering me on purpose...or maybe trying to give me the experience of a certain type of "fatherly" love...or

Anyhow, most of what we're avoiding in therapy has to do with my dad. My hands are numb typing this, honestly. We have NOT said the word "dad" in session, I haven't written it, I don't know if I ever will say or write it (honestly). Although sometimes writing things here first is a stepping stone.

I know T and I both know what I'm talking about in session, but every time he opens his mouth I say "please be careful" and he knows that I can't go too deep too fast and he really IS careful and I love him so much for it. Maybe more than I've loved him for anything up until now. He is helping it be slow and safe.

But. I feel...lonely? maybe?...for T. I want to be there with him doing house things. I mean, I really, really want it. I know we would laugh and have fun and get things done. Obviously, that is not something that would ever happen in our relationship and I truly treasure exactly what I have with T, exactly how it is.

Some younger part of me is ALL stirred up right now. The longing is SO strong. I'm trying to stay busy and even to do my own house projects but I'm lonely and given what's going on in session, it's hard, and just. BLAH.

That's all.

ECHOES · Jun 25, 2011, 06:06 PM

I think it's sweet that your T feels fatherly toward you. Healthy-fatherly

Can you let the longing in, let it be something that connects you to T while he's busy with those kinds of fatherly things that you love?
Instead of fighting it, I wonder if you could you let your young self long for T as a kind loving father. Let your young self go there and feel what it is like, to hang out with T while he's doing his home stuff and let your young self be filled up and contented.
If that wouldn't be super triggering for you.

Jun 25, 2011, 06:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ECHOES

I think it's sweet that your T feels fatherly toward you. Healthy-fatherly

Can you let the longing in, let it be something that connects you to T while he's busy with those kinds of fatherly things that you love?
Instead of fighting it, I wonder if you could you let your young self long for T as a kind loving father. Let your young self go there and feel what it is like, to hang out with T while he's doing his home stuff and let your young self be filled up and contented.
If that wouldn't be super triggering for you.

Awww, I love this Echoes. I love this, and my little stirred up self loves it.

Maybe I will make something for T tonight. I was thinking I could knit him something small, but I bet little tree would rather color a mandala or draw a picture. And that will help us feel connected.

thanks, echoes

ECHOES · Jun 25, 2011, 06:28 PM

tree, you are full of great ideas today! If you care to share, let me know what little tree decides to make

That is such a sweet and cool idea!!

Jun 25, 2011, 08:31 PM

Well, I was sitting and coloring a mandala for T. I could feel how settled down my little stirred up part became. I/we colored and it was really pretty and I thought about what all the colors meant and imagined giving it to T when I see him and how much he would like it.

And then my 8 year old, who is my most artistic, sensitive child, looked over and said "that's REALLY pretty". And he's so sentimental and I knew he would really like to have it, so I asked if he would like it and he said yes and happily took it up to bed with him

I guess it worked out how it was supposed to. I really felt connected to T, my little part inside was soothed, and in the end, I connected with the little guy sitting right there next to me on the couch

I have more mandalas, so I'm just going to flow with it and see what happens...if I need to color another one, or if I'm okay for now.

It's so funny how things work out sometimes.

Jun 25, 2011, 08:33 PM

Awww. That is so so so sweet.

ECHOES · Jun 25, 2011, 09:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by treehouse

Well, I was sitting and coloring a mandala for T. I could feel how settled down my little stirred up part became. I/we colored and it was really pretty and I thought about what all the colors meant and imagined giving it to T when I see him and how much he would like it.

And then my 8 year old, who is my most artistic, sensitive child, looked over and said "that's REALLY pretty". And he's so sentimental and I knew he would really like to have it, so I asked if he would like it and he said yes and happily took it up to bed with him

I guess it worked out how it was supposed to. I really felt connected to T, my little part inside was soothed, and in the end, I connected with the little guy sitting right there next to me on the couch

I have more mandalas, so I'm just going to flow with it and see what happens...if I need to color another one, or if I'm okay for now.

It's so funny how things work out sometimes.

tree, that is such a beautiful story. The way that unfolded, and your son taking his cherished mandala to bed with him - so sweet!!

But I have to ask, what is a mandala?