Today during session before we got into the hard stuff, I told T "can't we just be friends?" He laughed because it was SO out of nowhere. I told him I want to break up our T/client relationship and just be friends and talk about our lives and I'll get a different T. I was just kidding, but it was a fun fantasy.

T said that reminded him of an e-mail I sent this week. I was forwarding him an article from PC and on the form where you write who it's from, I put "tree, your favorite client ever". He said he laughed...it's an ongoing thing with us. I love that he laughed and that he thought of it right then. I love that T likes me so much, even though he has seen so many of my big feelings and so much of my yuck.

At the end of session when he was hugging me, he said "you'll never find another T this good, you'll just be bouncing around from t to t forever and ever so you better stick with me" He said there was no chance I'd find the gay male therapist of my dreams in our county (I told him in the first couple of sessions that I really wanted a GAY male therapist...total safety). He made me laugh.

I am so scared sometimes that T will stop loving me because of the yuck. I was so so so lost today in my old childhood room with the dolls and the icky yucky stupid STUPID ceiling. I wanted him there with me. I wasn't grown up and I was hiding. I got all sweaty and I almost threw up (I threw up a lot as a child). I wasn't happy grown up tree who walked in...I was stupid broken little tree who was trying to not throw up. ugh. UGH. ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh

It's so scary to go in there and let myself go back to the past and take T with me. I'd really just rather go to lunch and be loved for who I am now. (ha, freudian slip, I wrote "be loved for who I am NOT". hmm).

I HATE this. I really really really really hate it. Really.

[PTSDlovemycats]

Just wanted you to know I am here and i'm listening.

[Indie'sOK]

((((Tree))) (ha, I bet you're getting sick of my redundant replies!)

T doesn't dislike you or anything about you...he's proud that you're working so hard and are so motivated to get better. He knows that you want so badly for the yucky stuff to be gone, yet you're working through it nevertheless and that's so admirable, to both him and all of us

[PTSDlovemycats]

How are you doing now Tree?

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I HATE this. I really really really really hate it. Really.

Really? Don't you prefer the feeling of finally getting to be clean?

[ECHOES]

((((tree))))) Little tree feels safe going to T. I think that says so much about you and your relationship with your T!

[WePow]

((((Tree))))) Your T will NEVER stop loving you. Just ask him and he will tell you so! You feel like a soul sister to me with the things you post. I also was looking for a SAFE gay male T !!! I didn't tell my T that I thought he was based on his pic I saw while looking for my T. hee hee.

Just so you know, I shared a bit about your session post with my T last night in private email - the parallels are so great with your relationship with your T and mine with my T. T wrote back and said that your sharing moved him to tears.

You are in the hearts of others.

ps - and little Tree is PRECIOUS !! She is not stupid at all. She is in pain. But that isn't her fault.

Tree...your post brought me to tears...its so great that you and T. can reach little Tree...what a great thing...

It gives me hope...that someday I'll be able to reach little me...to help her feel safe..

[mixedup_emotions]

(((( Hugs ))))

I am so glad you and T are so close.....and that he will guide you through this....

I wish you could see yourself the way we see you. You're kind, compassionate, sweet, loving, helpful and beautiful.

I hope one day you can see the truth about yourself.

Hugs.