[jazzy123456]

If you could give advice to someone whose NEVER experienced Psychotherapy before... and they needed to know WHAT to look for in a therapist, what would you say? What kind of traits/personality/structure ( like, punctual--some therapists aren't so critical about ending on time and others are--like, how much they would or would not allow contact outside of session, just structure) do you look for in a therapist?

In fact, what are the positive things about your therapist
versus the negative?

And have you ever thought the positive outweighed the negative so
you just settled for what you could get?

Is there anything you think you might be MISSING from your therapy experience; that you wish you could ask for? And if so, why haven't you asked?

JAZZY

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by jazzy123456

If you could give advice to someone whose NEVER experienced Psychotherapy before... and they needed to know WHAT to look for in a therapist, what would you say? What kind of traits/personality/structure ( like, punctual--some therapists aren't so critical about ending on time and others are--like, how much they would or would not allow contact outside of session, just structure) do you look for in a therapist?

I'm thinking back to when I had never seen a therapist and tried to find one. I didn't know anything about what psychotherapy was like. I assumed all therapists were pretty much the same and the most important thing was to find one who would return my phone call and agree to see me, fast!

If someone told me they were looking for a therapist, I would first talk to the person a bit, and find out what they hoped to get from therapy and what their idea of therapy was. Then I might say a few things about how there are different sorts of therapy and some are better suited for particular issues than others. I would also tell the person that the most important predictor of success in therapy is the "fit" between client and therapist, and I would recommend going to see the T and seeing how it felt and what her first impressions were. I think these can be very important.

I probably wouldn't stress details like punctuality at this stage. Let them find a T who is a good fit and then hopefully they can come to an agreement with the T about things like that--frame issues. If you have too many items on your "wish list" for a T, it will be hard finding someone who has all your desired traits.

Recently a friend of mine confided in me that she wanted to see a therapist. She is really stressed out and wants a professional to help her through these stressful times. She needs someone she can talk to about all this that is not a friend or relative. I gave her the name of a therapist I met a couple of months ago at a conference I attended. I think she and this T might hit it off. I did not give her the name of my T, my daughter's T, or the family T my daughter and I used to see together (he also does individual therapy) because I thought that this other T was the best fit. Just a feeling I had.

I would also tell a person that if the T they end up choosing isn't working out, to not stay forever. Give it a half dozen sessions and if it doesn't seem "right", then move on. The more you put into the therapeutic relationship, the harder it is to leave and find someone new, even if the therapist is not a good fit. Of course, if you find yourself doing this several times in a row (leaving the T after just a short time), then you might want to consider that something else needs changing besides the T.

jazzy, are you looking for a T? If so, have you asked your friends or other people you know? Maybe someone who knows you could recommend someone they know that they think would be a good fit, like I did for my friend.

And have you ever thought the positive outweighed the negative so you just settled for what you could get?

I would not stay with my T if the positive didn't outweigh the negative.

In fact, what are the positive things about your therapist
versus the negative?
Positive: he's warm, empathetic, genuine, a good listener, smart, nice, authentic, accepting, direct, real. He has expertise in areas I needed help in: trauma, divorce. He is great at forming relationships.
Negative: he isn't very good about returning phone calls. He can be forgetful at times. Occasionally, there are errors in his scheduling (double bookings). He is very popular, so sometimes it can be hard to get an appointment.

[sittingatwatersedge]

If you could give advice to someone whose NEVER experienced Psychotherapy before... and they needed to know WHAT to look for in a therapist, what would you say?
wow, big question, just a comment. See if the prospective T has experience in dealing with your specific type of issues (not so much the T's "orientation" such as CBT, psychodynamic, etc)... If not, depending on what yr issue is, you may want/need to look farther. To put it rather bluntly, you don't want to be someone's learning experience, & they shouldn't want you to be.

In fact, what are the positive things about your therapist
* this work is her passion, and it shows; she really gives 110%
* she has many decades of experience, & I get the benefit of that
* she's knowledgeable, genuine, well adjusted & kind - and endlessly patient. SHe NEVER does this (in front of me, anyway)
* she's no blank slate - she's real, often sharing little glimpses into her life, even a personal opinion now & then - but it doesn't affect her professional vigilance, or prevent her from keeping us on track

versus the negative?
how do I put this... we have a difference of opinion about CBT .
So we never talk about it, and if she uses its techniques on me here and there, I don't call her on it...

Is there anything you think you might be MISSING from your therapy experience; that you wish you could ask for?
I thought hypnotherapy might help me, but she's not trained - and she commented that it wouldn't work for me because I would have to learn to trust the h-therapist, "and good luck on that", lol...
also, I've often mentioned that 90 minute sessions would probably work better for me, but she doesn't offer them.

[elliemay]

It's hard I think to give blanket advice regarding the best kind of therapist for someone, but perhaps punctuality, respect, patience and empathy are good traits.

My therapist is first and foremost a kind soul. That kind of presence in my life has been so healing, but I'm not sure would be sufficient for someone who is dealing with an acute, transient issue. He's definitely a long haul, dog fight kind of therapist.

He's very punctual and insanely good with returning calls. He's not that good once on the phone, but I've learned to cope with that and just use the phone for check ins, or to say "hey I'm dealing with this, I just wanted to put it on your radar screen."

I think with any relationship there are good and bad things. Nothing is going to be perfect. It's not settling to accept the negative, but just reality. It's always a risk/benefit type thing when deciding to continue investing in it.

I wish my therapist would accept insurance and have a copay, but I totally understand why he doesn't. Talk about a dog fight! He wouldn't have any time to be a therapist if he had to deal with the insurance companies.

[SpiritRunner]

empathy, compassion and excellent, clear boundaries! clear communication......honesty and transparency.

A good therapist needs to model openness and honesty. He/She needs to be available for emergencies if needed. He/She should have experience dealing with your type of issues.

My T?

Positive: All of the above. Great sense of humor. Strong and confident. Straightforward and honest. Very skilled as a therapist.

Negative: There really isn't any negative that is of any significance at all. (I don't let little things bother me. Life's too short.)

Interview a few T's before you settle on one
Ask them questions--about their style, their boundaries, their availability, how they would handle certain situations that might come up with you.
Do you feel like you might be able to open up to this person? Are you at least a little bit comfortable in their office?

My T: she has LOTS of positives... she is a DID/trauma specialist which is what I need, her fee is low, she is able to spend hours and hours a week with me, she sends me texts and emails occassionally, she is kind and generous and funny and works really well with the inside kids, and she is always trying new things to help us out
negative--she is hardly EVER on time. i mean, if she says "I'll be there in 10 minutes", you can bet it will be at least 20. If she says we'll get started at 6:30, it's probably going to be 7 at the earliest. But-- her life is SO busy, she is SO popular and helps so many people, and she often gets behind because she doesn't want to just end a session just because its supposed to be over, if someone is upset she wants to help calm them down and make sure they are safe. So she gets behind. And that is okay because she lets us have long sessions all the time too.

[lastyearisblank]

Compassion. The disposition to be wholly and ridiculously compassionate to people, on an individual basis, to get to know them well. I mean let's say a therapist interacts with 100 potential patients every year, they have to be able to connect with ALL of them to some extent. I think that takes education but not just. People have things in common and might be able to be grouped as having "illnesses." But honestly, I don't like every single person I meet. And I really admire the fact that therapists have to know not just the issues of the person they are treating but actually have a sense of them as a person to be effective. And like 10 people a day every day of the week. For years. Like wow.

So I would advise your friend to look for someone who doesn't talk about themselves too much (#1 sign of a bad, bad therapist), runs a tight ship professionally, obvs., and also just seems like they are willing to work on their patients' issues.

[SoupDragon]

Maybe I just struck lucky - never had therapy before and this was the first T I tried. There was just something about my T that seemed to feel safe and comfortable from day 1.

[dismissed feelings]

I guess I am not sure about the first part. However, what I would really wish for is for them to sit behind me so I do not have to feel so uncomfortable and not say a single word for as many sessions as it takes for me to get everything off my chest I need to and not interrupt me. It is not a general treatment modailty but it should be.

I just do not think I can say certain things looking at them and I will never trust anyone to help me w/o them knowing everything about me I have to say FIRST. Apparently, even though I thought I made this clear I now have cheesy homework so I think I may just give up the whole thing.

[geez]

I've only had one T and it's the one I have currently. Something about her made me feel safe. She has clear boundries and doesn't hug (many T's don't) and in some ways that can be a good thing

[learning1]

if the person is aware of their values, try to find out if the t respects the same values, at least more or less.

[3velniai]

I might sound a little controversial here, but I believe that when it comes to people, deep down we all just know if a person is good for us or not, so I would suggest to go a first appt, throw out all logics and when the hour ends just base a decision on like/dislike feeling. You know, the "click" thing. If one appt is not enough to decide if you like the T (not to establish if T has sufficient experience, has worked with these issues before or has good values or whatever, just if you LIKE the T), go to another one. Experience? Well it comes with time. Maybe the T didn't work with some issues before not because she/he can't, maybe he simply didn't have clients with these issues, and it doesn't mean he can't help you. It's all about the relatipnship and trust anyway, without it therapy just can't happen, so what good is all the experience and nice titles if you don't like the T and you don't feel comfortable enough to talk to him?

[WikidPissah]

Originally Posted by jazzy123456

If you could give advice to someone whose NEVER experienced Psychotherapy before... and they needed to know WHAT to look for in a therapist, what would you say?

Someone who is flexible in technique and has experience in dealing with both trauma and my organic dx.

What kind of traits/personality/structure ( like, punctual--some therapists aren't so critical about ending on time and others are--like, how much they would or would not allow contact outside of session, just structure) do you look for in a therapist?

My T is ALWAYS late...drives me batty. He will go over with me to make up the time, but I have to quit on time, I can't stand the glare from the next client. I call myself his "makeup client" because he runs very late all day and get's back on time with me.

In fact, what are the positive things about your therapist
versus the negative?

Positive: He's funny, he seems to "get me", he's really good at helping me to talk(I am a non-talker), he has been able to teach me things, he always calls/texts/emails me back...ALWAYS. These are things no other T has had/done
Negative: There's the lateness, he cancels last minute sometimes, he's forgetful of things I've told him, I don't trust him with the trauma stuff because I'm pretty sure he has a porn problem,

And have you ever thought the positive outweighed the negative so
you just settled for what you could get?

Sometimes I wonder, because the negatives are such big negatives, but then again the positives are fairly large as well. I basically can't stand the thought of starting over, even though I am not really attached to him.

Is there anything you think you might be MISSING from your therapy experience; that you wish you could ask for? And if so, why haven't you asked?

Lots of things, like full blown trust, structure, coherency, and other things I can't put into words. I don't ask because I am a non-talker, and I go mute whenever I try to say something.

[Symbiosis]

I think first off, you have to have some areas where you are really in synch with each other. Both my T and I like to play metaphor and analogy games; like we really enjoy it and get a kick out of it. That would probably annoy some other people but it is a strong point of connection for us.

And I agree with 3vel, that there is something that is undefinable but definitely there, a base feeling of like or dislike. I can't hardly list a bunch of things I like about my T, but despite all the stuff he does that I don't like and makes me crazy, I like him.

I kind of think it is important to find someone who is consistent in behavior. Inconsistency seems like it would bring problems.

If I had to go to someone new today, I would definitely want someone less rigid with boundaries. My T is not cool with emailing(I never call) and I express myself best in writing. He doesn't deny me emails, but he makes it clear that it is an imposition. Then I end up feeling hurt because I really try to respect his boundaries in all sorts of other ways that go unnoticed, but it such a big imposition to get an email from once every 4 months! It makes me feel sooooooo unimportant.

I would also pick someone with more of a practionner background, like a MSW or M.Ed licensed counselor or a PsyD. My T has an academic background that is so freakin' perfect and I rather someone really in touch with the people, so to speak. Someone who roughed it for awhile instead of an academic superstar.

I really would prefer someone warmer, too. Oh and a T with a couch and maybe even his own practice instead of a group practice.

[laceylu]

I also struck lucky like SoupDragon. My first T was awesome, and my second T has tons of experience. I needed someone older and mature and able to handle my needs. I have a working knowledge of T and health care professionals. I know how I am supposed to be treated this time. My gut says new T is safe. I have experienced unsafe T's. I was able to instinctively understand in high school that a certain teacher was unsafe and later learned that he tried to rape 2 of my classmates after school. I trust my gut. So trust your gut but remember to put aside the usual fears of therapy.

[jazzy123456]

I can't respond to all of that due to time... but, THANKS.. THANK YOU for taking the time to answer those questions... gave me some perspective evryone!

[scorpiosis37]

What kind of traits/personality/structure ( like, punctual--some therapists aren't so critical about ending on time and others are--like, how much they would or would not allow contact outside of session, just structure) do you look for in a therapist?

-I think it's important to know what kind of approach you want a T to take. For instance, some Ts maintain sort of a "blank" expression as you talk and give very little feedback, while other Ts will be more expressive and talkative. For me, I need an expressive T. My T laughs a lot, jokes with me, says things like "I know what you mean," "I can relate to that," or "That's so interesting because my experience or preference is different." The fact that my T shares her reactions with me helps me to feel like she's "human" which makes me feel more connected to her. I would not do well with a T who was formal, rigid, or "old school." I don't like metaphors, I don't like the Freudian approach of connecting absolutely everything back to one's parents/childhood, and I don't like Ts who constantly ask questions like "how does that make you feel" or "what do you think?" However, these approaches work very well for others. So it's really about figuing out what you think will work best for you.

-I think it's important to ask T about what their boundaries are UP FRONT. For me, I want to know ahead of time if a T is comfortable with e-mail, phone calls, text messages, extra sessions, touch in general and hugs specifically. I think it's helpful to know what your T is comfortable with (and uncomfortable with) before you begin therapy so that you don't have to find out the hard way AFTER you develop an attachment to T and become emotionally invested in T's responses to you. For example, it might be difficult, 6 months into therapy, to discover you want nothing more than to hug your T, ask T for a hug, and then have T say "no." However, if you knew up front that T never gave hugs to any clients, you wouldn't have that expectation and wouldn't feel hurt down the road. Or, you could make the decision to only see a T who does give hugs. (Which is my personal preference). Or, for you, hugs may not be an issue, but needing phone or e-mail contact between sessions may be necessary. Everyone's needs are different.

-I think it's important to find a T who comes across as warm and genuine. At least for me, I need my T to make me feel liek our relationship is "special" and our bond is "real."

In fact, what are the positive things about your therapist
versus the negative?

Positive-

She is loving and caring.
She welcomes my attachment to her.
She validates my feelings.
She never makes me feel embarassed about my feelings.
She gives me extra sessions when I need them.
She is easy to get a hold of and easy to make appointments with.
She gives hugs.
She gives compliments.
She points out my positive attributes.
She has a witty sense of humor.
She has flawless grammar via text (including colon, semicolon, and comma use).
She answers questions. If I ask her to assess something about me, she will do so honestly. Similarly, if I ask her a question about herself, she will give me an appropriate and thorough answer.
I feel like she gives me a lot of herself. She invests her emotions in our sessions, she is willing to share how her own experiences relate to mine in order to help me feel more connected to her and process what I'm going through, and she is willing to adjust the structure of our sessions to make things work better for me. That kind of individual attention makes a big difference to me.

Negative-

I discovered recently that T cannot read me as well as I thought or hoped she could. I thought T had this magical T ability to see right through me-- like she would simply know how I felt without me having to say all of the difficult words-- but she doesn't. In fact, she's actually misread a few things. But no one's perfect, nor can I expect T to be omniscient. It simply means I have to be more direct, share more, and be willing to tell T if she misreads how I feel.

She's always about 5 minutes late, but she's also willing to go 5 minutes over with me to make up for it. It's not a big deal for me because I don't mind having to wait a little bit nor do I have to be anywhere right after T, but there are others for whom punctuality is necesary.