[zooropa]

I don't know, it was just a good session. Just one of those times when we are both on the same wavelength and really listening and communicating.

We talked about a lot of stuff that's going on in my life, and we talked about the emails and texts we exchanged this week. I didn't think it was a lot, but when she was reading them to me I was like

I told her she puts up with a lot of **** from me, and she laughed and smiled and said "that right there earned you about 500 frequent flier miles" I thanked her for putting up with so much, and for not getting sick of it and giving up on me.

In one of my emails I told her that I know I'm not supposed to say this, but I just really need to know you're still there. She read that out loud to me, and then she said "I'm really sorry that you got the message...that I GAVE you the message, that it wasn't ok to call to check in. It IS ok. It's ok." Which, yes, that's what I wanted to hear, about 2 months ago. Now? It's hard to trust that. I know she means it NOW, but what about the next time she has a really busy week and a bad day? What then?

So then I wanted to talk about my need for reassurance, and how much pain there is in my need to check if she's still there. I realized last night that, while we've talked about it a few times before, I haven't done a very good job of expressing to her my experience of having such a huge, huge need. I told her I want her to know that I don't WANT to have to check in with her, and I don't LIKE that I have that need, and that I am working really hard on being able to soothe and reassure myself. And I'm just not there yet.

She asked me if it would work for me to text and ask if she's there and for her to answer and just say yes. I said yes, that would work for ME. She said "wow, sometimes it takes such a long time to go around such a short block. that seems so simple, I'm sorry I didn't think of it that way before." I started crying, saying I don't want her to give me something only to take it away again. She apologized, she said she won't do that again. She said if it starts to be too much for her again, she will tell me, but not in the same way.

I just told her that, as painful and as difficult as this has been for me, it HAS been good practice for me, that it has helped move me along the path toward being self-reliant. So, yes, I will text her when I'm in those moments that are so painful, so raw. I will text her to see if she's there, if I need to. And I will try really hard not to text her, I will try to sit with the feeling, I will try to notice the thoughts, as long as I can.

I don't know, there is more, lots more. I'm kind of amazed at how much I remember of the session, actually. I guess it means I was really there and didn't check out. Maybe that's part of why I felt so good when I left.

I see her again on Tues. ♥

[rainbow_rose]

so glad it was a good session, zooropa!

[nannypat]

Glad you had a good one and that it feels good.

[karebear1]

Good work Zoo.............it always seems to come around to a good place if we just work hard to get there. It's important to rememmber this interaction with T. there will be more days when you feel like you are slipping backwards again....... keep this day in the forefront of your mind- it'll help you get through other hard times. I'm really happy nad relieved for you my friend.

[googley]

I am so glad that you had a good session. I'm glad that you and your T were able to connect. I hope that she is able to deal with her stress better next time it comes out.

[SpiritRunner]

so glad you had a good session that left you with a happy smile and feeling....may you have more like it!

Yay for big, dumb grins!!! I'm so glad you and T got on the same wave length and really got to *be* with each other.

I, too, recently have been through a HUGE rupture with my T and though it's *mostly* repaired, there's still some areas that need work. The rupture was 2 months of constant frustration at each other for us. It took a session like you described to finally really stop and talk to each other about what the heck was going on. And some of it was so simple... I, too, was at the point of kicking her in the knees (j/k... sorta), storming out, and resigning from therapy because the communication between both of us just SUCKED.

I'm so, so, so glad for that big, dumb grin

That's great news!! Always feels good to have a good session, I'm glad for you

[WePow]

(((((((((((Zoo))))))))))))

That is SO awesome! Way to go!
You stuck with the relationship, even when it hurt, and you were very mature in how you faced things. These great emotions are your reward for a job well done!

I'm glad it turned out to be a good session Zoo..