I realized today one of the big gifts T gives me.

When I have a success, or make a change that's hard for me, or make the TINIEST move in a positive direction, he notices it and narrates it to me. Today, I was telling him some things that have happened over the last few days (the only things I remember!) and I was just really saying "this happened, that happened, i did this, i said that" and T found the progress in what happened, and the success and he kind of digested it for me and gave it back to me.

One small example...Over the weekend, I kind of "had" to come out to someone about being in a 12 step program...because I found out a friend was struggling with the same issues, and my program tells me that I must reach out to help others. I am comfortable typing about myself in the anonymous world of PC, but in real life, I very very very rarely share personal information with people. I have lots of friends, but it's just not in my nature to share stuff like that.

T pointed out to me that I had followed my intuition in asking my friend what was wrong, and when I found out, I was brave and shared part of my own story with her. A BIG ongoing topic in my therapy is the idea of me bringing ANY of my inner self out into the "real world" with me, and I did it. T narrated the story back to me and made it sound so positive and like I had taken such a big step, and I really GOT it. I hadn't thought about it in that way until he helped me see it like that...and it felt cool to be surprised by my own success, you know?

We had a lot of that in this session.

I didn't talk at all about the thing we've been talking about lately. By the time I felt safe enough to bring it up, there were only 20 minutes left (of a 90 minute session) and it felt too late. We did talk about talking about it. I started crying and told him that it is SO FRUSTRATING to me. When I see him once a week, it takes so much time for me to feel connected and safe enough to "tell", and by then it's close to the end of session. If I DO "tell", then I leave all raw and open, because there's no time to get put back together. And then I have a couple of HORRIBLE days while I deal with that, a day or two of ok, and then the disconnect starts. Then I see T on Thursday and the cycle starts again. Actually, T even put a positive spin on that, saying that just the fact that I could recognize the cycle is a good thing, and that seeing it so clearly gives us a starting point for working on it. I love that guy

I had this HUGE "a-ha" moment in session. I realized what a sickeningly perfect system abuse is. When we're abused as tiny children, the only way to make sense of it is to believe that we are bad. And the worse we feel about ourselves, the less likely it is that we'll allow ourselves to connect with someone. And if we can't connect with someone, there is no one to tell about the abuse and it just continues forever and ever. Maybe that's the most obvious thing in the world, but for me, it was this huge moment.

And T said if there was one magical thing he could do, it would be to make me see that I am lovable and worthy and good...and then the connection could come more easily. He said, "wow, that is so true, I can feel it right here" and put his hand on his heart. and he said "I feel it so much I'm tearing up" and he was.

He talked about earlier in therapy when I would ask for reassurance and he would say something like "didn't you hear what I said before" (when he had already reassured me), and I would get angry and he would get frustrated. He said that he remembers when he finally GOT IT, that my feelings about myself were so deep and so ingrained and that part of his job was to tell me as many times as I needed that the things that my abusers made me feel about myself aren't true. And I actually remember that moment too - years ago - and he's been so so so patient about it since then. He said it doesn't frustrate him at all, but it does make him sad that I can't see me how he sees me.

I asked him to sit with me, and he held my hand. His hands are so much bigger than mine, and he sort of wrapped my two hands all up in his one hand. And I felt safe and loved and okay.

It was a really honest and open session, and probably what I needed. I think I needed to just stop for a minute and check on the connection and talk about talking about it. There were/are still big feelings...a lot of sadness and frustration about how hard it is to hold onto the connection, a lot of sadness and frustration about the "bigness" of what is here to talk about ...but also a feeling of being loved and cared for.

And now, next Wednesday when I'm thinking "WHAT happened in my session last week?" I have a pretty detailed account to come and read.

[mixedup_emotions]

I am SO glad that you connected with T and that he was able to help you see what you've accomplished....((( HUGS )))

Just wanted to add that on the way home, when I called to say what I needed in my message, I really FELT how huge my fear is of T forgetting me. He has so many clients, and so many friends, and such a busy life, and I am really scared that I don't exist for him when I'm not there. Not just that he's busy and I'm not on his mind...like I don't EXIST. Feeling how true that was made me cry (on the message ). I really think that's a big part of why I can't hold onto the connection. Maybe just seeing that, and speaking it, will help change it. Maybe.

[WePow]

Tree... what a WONDERFUL job you are doing!!!!! You amaze me!

[childofyen]

Tree, I'm so grateful that I found these boards and your posts are a perfect example of what I get here. You're honest, strong, and insightful. Watching you do hard, honest things gives me hope that I can do hard, honest things too. So I thank you for sharing and for allowing me to relate. And I'm stealing your idea of posting after my next session because I often have trouble remembering too. Much positive energy being sent your way. -CoY

[Kacey2]

Wow Tree,
I can see that the connection you have with your t is an amazing thing. Even if you can't see it from the inside. I too love when you share your sessions with us. Thank you!

[2or3things]

Tree, this is such a beautiful account of your session and your thoughts. It's so easy to see how things are "working" for you. And I hope this does the trick if life gets rough before your next session.

And I want to especially thank you for your thoughts on how abuse functions as a self-perpetuating system. I hadn't thought of it that way, but I'm really going to now. It feels helpful just to have read it. So thanks!

My best to you!

[googley]

Tree,
That sounds like an amazing session.

[rainbow_rose]

treehouse, you are doing some great work. sharing part of your inner self to your friend IS progress! I totally understand how scary that is and need to work on that myself. thanks so much for sharing this!!

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I really FELT how huge my fear is of T forgetting me. I am really scared that I don't exist for him when I'm not there.

Great insight! Your T is really helping you in a way that no one previously has. You are letting him see you and you are getting loving feedback from him. Do you think that he is the only person in the world who can see you like this? And if he isn't around to see this in you then this part of you will cease to exist?