[Drewsky]

I've been seeing a therapist for an eating disorder that an ex-friend of mine has also been seeing. I've seen him for app. 10 sessions, friend has seen him for app 30 sessions. I've had respect issues w/her&brought them up in a general manner w/the therapist on howto get people to respect me more/self-esteem issues. The therapist (not knowing it was my friend I was referring to) called the person toxic&told me not to associate w/that person. Got into a fight w/her& they mentioned "the Dr. was right bout u, u do make a lot of assumptions". I in turn referenced the general statementthe Dr. had made exaggeratedly, this made my friend think the Dr. was discussing them behind their back in detail. I told them this wasn't the case later on & I only made general statements about them to the Dr.&didn't divulge any of their personal info, I was there for my eating disorder, not to discuss Her. She told me that I should switch therapist because they no longer felt they can feel comfortable with the Dr. knowing I see him as well. I have night-eating syndrome, have scored 114 on the "sanity-test"&for the first time have stopped binge eating for the first time in seven years because of the help I've recieved. While I sympathize w/her pov, I offered to not see the Dr. for 3-4 weeks&made a contract of sorts w/the Dr. where he'd be allowed to terminate therapy if I brought this person up, I told this to her to reassure her I was there for ME, and not to discuss her. Is there a win-win to this situation? She insists there are different therapist I could see, while true, I really like the way this one has been helping me. She said this was "her therapist" and she had more of a right to see him because she had invested more time in him. She once became jealous when he returned my call for an appt before hers. She said she'd try to see if she'd feel comfortable about it but goes to sleep and wakes up thinking about this issue, she doesn't trust her Dr. unless she's assured I'm not seeing him for therapy.. I'm torn over whether I should leave, or just back off for a while so that I may continue my therapy&progress.

[Christina86]

First question: If they're your "ex-friend" why are you still communicating with them? You need to do what's right for you, but if they're bad for you, you need to cut off all communication with them IMO.

You seem to have your mind made up, you want to continue to see that therapist. I don't think there's any issue with doing so, you also don't need this "ex friends" permission to see the same therapist - in fact, I'd encourage you to just not bring it up ever again with this person.

[skysblue]

Your situation is a perfect example of why friends and family should not see that same T. I had gone on and on about how wonderful my T is to a friend of mine. She now is considering calling my T to schedule an appointment. I asked my T not to see her because it will be weird 'sharing' my T with someone I know AND I don't want to hear how my T works with her. I was relieved that my T has a policy not to see friends or family of her current clients.

I think you have a choice. If you value your friendship, you should look for another T. If the friendship is actually over, then continue on. I don't blame your friend for being upset. I would be too.

[lynn P.]

If this is your ex friend or even if it was your friend still....you have the right to see this therapist, even if a friend or ex friend doesn't want you to. It almost sounds like she regards the therapist as her possession. The therapist also is bound to confidentiality laws and wouldn't be able to talk about your friends issues anyway, with you or anyone. If you like this therapist then it's really not her business whether you still see him or not. Stick with this one of you think he can help you.

[BlessedRhiannon]

She told me that I should switch therapist because they no longer felt they can feel comfortable with the Dr. knowing I see him as well.

Just my two cents, but I see this as her issue, not yours! Why should you have to leave the T that you like because your EX-friend is uncomfortable? If you aren't friends anymore, then it's really not an issue unless you are trying to rebuild the friendship. Even then, it's still her issue about feeling uncomfortable, not yours. This is something she should talk about with the T, not demand that you stop being a client because she doesn't like it. If she brings it up to you again, perhaps you could just say "I understand that it makes you uncomfortable to be seeing the same therapist as I am seeing. I do not plan on changing therapists, as this one has been helpful to me. Perhaps you should discuss your feelings with the therapist directly, and if the therapist has concerns about seeing us both as clients, she can address that with us individually."

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by lynn P.

If this is your ex friend or even if it was your friend still....you have the right to see this therapist, even if a friend or ex friend doesn't want you to. It almost sounds like she regards the therapist as her possession. The therapist also is bound to confidentiality laws and wouldn't be able to talk about your friends issues anyway, with you or anyone. If you like this therapist then it's really not her business whether you still see him or not. Stick with this one of you think he can help you.

You know, you are absolutely right. If the therapist has agreed to see us, then we have all the right in the world.

But, let's imagine how you would feel if your friend talked about you to your T. That would be horrible. The T wouldn't be able to share what he had heard and the level of trust would automatically plummet.

So, by sticking to what's 'right', a lot of damage is caused. And how will that affect therapy for both individuals?

Maybe talking to T to figure out a solution and have all 3 present to discuss the solution might be an idea.

[lynn P.]

Originally Posted by skysblue

You know, you are absolutely right. If the therapist has agreed to see us, then we have all the right in the world.

But, let's imagine how you would feel if your friend talked about you to your T. That would be horrible. The T wouldn't be able to share what he had heard and the level of trust would automatically plummet.

So, by sticking to what's 'right', a lot of damage is caused. And how will that affect therapy for both individuals?

Maybe talking to T to figure out a solution and have all 3 present to discuss the solution might be an idea.

I see your point and everyone has the right to their feelings. From what I undertood from Drewsky is.......I thought she did discuss a friend issue but I thought she didn't mention it was 'his patient' or her name directly. I thought she just mentioned a random friend problem casually and not naming anyone.

I think the conflict happened when Drewsky told the friend, she discussed it and maybe she assumed the therapist knew it was her. If 2 friends are seeing the same therapist, it's always best not to discuss what they talked about in therapy. I agree it would be good for the Drewsky to ask the therapist what he thinks and if Drewsky stays with this therapist then neither of them should discuss their friendship. Best ot stick to their own issues.

[unaluna]

Wow. Didn't Drewsky have to fill out a form or anything that asked, how did you find out about our office? I'm surprised she was ever assigned to or accepted by her referring friend's t, if that is indeed what happened.

[skysblue]

Yeah, this is complicated.

[lynn P.]

I've had respect issues w/her&brought them up in a general manner w/the therapist on howto get people to respect me more/self-esteem issues. The therapist (not knowing it was my friend I was referring to) called the person toxic&told me not to associate w/that person.

The above quote says that she didn't name the friend....so it would have been wise not to mention your therapist gave the opinion the 'friend' was toxic, to that friend. The above quote also mentions you struggle with being 'assertive and getting the respect you deserve' in relationship. Since most friendships usually have one of them who's more assertive...meaning opposites attract lol. I bet this friend you're talking about, is actually too pushy with you and tells you what to do.

If I were you, I would discuss this with your therpaist and ask him to advise you. If this is an ex friend, then I think this is a good opportunity to assert yourself and stay if the therpaist agrees.

[Drewsky]

I appreciate everyones' insight. I already made a contract of sorts w/the Dr. where he would terminate therapy if he felt like I was bringing up my ex-friend in anyway (this was to assure my ex-friend I was there for MY issues which do not include her, which would allow her control of her personal information&that I was serious about my therapy because I feel that the Dr. is very capable&helpful w/my concerns). I understand that I seem to have created a rift in her percieved trust, and figured these safeguards would be of some reassurance. I have since stopped seeing this therapist for the next 3 weeks to allow her to feel comfortable again&told her I would stop seeing him if she so decided she could no longer feel like she was able to continue on w/her therapy if my seeing him interfered w/her ability to feel comfortable in her sessions. She doesn't trust me to not bring her up in therapy, afraid I will dilvulge personal information making her feel she has no sense of control& violating her "personal sanctuary". I understand, but feel like maybe a punishment is more appropriate (not seeing him for 3-4 weeks to show my seriousness over the matter&the contract) are sufficient, not a complete separation. That, I feel, is blowing the whole thing out of proportion and seems to be more like an execution for a crime rather than an appropriate punishment. But maybe, making it seem like the Dr. agreed w/my personal opinion of this person during an angry exchange, went too far. I only want to be fair, and maybe fair means I have to stop seeing the Dr. because I caused the situation, this is a matter totally unfamiliar to me and I did not intend for it.

[Drewsky]

"I bet this friend you're talking about, is actually too pushy with you and tells you what to do." I have not set boundaries where they should have been in place. While pushy at times, it would be unfair to not mention that I've been dishonest w/this person&her lack of trust over whether I would discuss her is a result of my dishonesty. But Yes, I do need to be more assertive overall.

[TayQuincy]

Originally Posted by Drewsky

I appreciate everyones' insight. I already made a contract of sorts w/the Dr. where he would terminate therapy if he felt like I was bringing up my ex-friend in anyway (this was to assure my ex-friend I was there for MY issues which do not include her, which would allow her control of her personal information&that I was serious about my therapy because I feel that the Dr. is very capable&helpful w/my concerns). I understand that I seem to have created a rift in her percieved trust, and figured these safeguards would be of some reassurance. I have since stopped seeing this therapist for the next 3 weeks to allow her to feel comfortable again&told her I would stop seeing him if she so decided she could no longer feel like she was able to continue on w/her therapy if my seeing him interfered w/her ability to feel comfortable in her sessions. She doesn't trust me to not bring her up in therapy, afraid I will dilvulge personal information making her feel she has no sense of control& violating her "personal sanctuary". I understand, but feel like maybe a punishment is more appropriate (not seeing him for 3-4 weeks to show my seriousness over the matter&the contract) are sufficient, not a complete separation. That, I feel, is blowing the whole thing out of proportion and seems to be more like an execution for a crime rather than an appropriate punishment. But maybe, making it seem like the Dr. agreed w/my personal opinion of this person during an angry exchange, went too far. I only want to be fair, and maybe fair means I have to stop seeing the Dr. because I caused the situation, this is a matter totally unfamiliar to me and I did not intend for it.

Why do you feel you need to do this? It is not your responsibility to take care of your ex friend. And actually, you are allowed to discuss anyone you want to in therapy, and name names! It is your therapist's responsibility to maintain confidentiality, but not yours. I would see any therapist who I wanted regardless of my ex friend's feelings. Do not take on her issues, they are hers to work through. If she doesn't like that you both are seeing the same therapist, she can find someone else. Take care of you, ok?

Wow. Yes, this is a mess.

The thing is - if the T is helpful, you want to keep them. But there has to be some boundaries in there for you and this 'ex-friend'. It's not fair to use the doctor as a middle person to tear each other down. It's damaging to that person and the relationship that they have with their T.

If you make it very clear to T about being friends with this person, I'm hoping he may change his approach with how he asks you to handle things. Instead of saying "this person is toxic", while she VERY WELL maybe. He would focus solely on YOU. How to make you assertive, strong, etc. That way it's not something that's negative about his other client.

It's a very, very sticky situation. The best would be that you both agree not to talk about T. That therapy is an off limits subject. And if it IS an ex-friend, T would be a good place to talk about how to untangle yourself from that relationship.

[anilam]

Did your friend knew you will start seeing this doc? Did she/he agree?
BTW my T has the same policy: absolutely no family members or friends. I too would feel really uncomfortable if Id share my T with a friend of mine... But yeah whats done is done.
You need to decide what is more important to you, your friend or your T?
You already refer to him/her as an ex so I don't see why you are still so close.
Just stop seeing her/him and the problem is solved.

[Drewsky]

Originally Posted by stormyangels

Wow. Yes, this is a mess.

The thing is - if the T is helpful, you want to keep them. But there has to be some boundaries in there for you and this 'ex-friend'. It's not fair to use the doctor as a middle person to tear each other down. It's damaging to that person and the relationship that they have with their T.

If you make it very clear to T about being friends with this person, I'm hoping he may change his approach with how he asks you to handle things. Instead of saying "this person is toxic", while she VERY WELL maybe. He would focus solely on YOU. How to make you assertive, strong, etc. That way it's not something that's negative about his other client.

It's a very, very sticky situation. The best would be that you both agree not to talk about T. That therapy is an off limits subject. And if it IS an ex-friend, T would be a good place to talk about how to untangle yourself from that relationship.

The term toxic was only mentioned NOT knowing that it was another client of his&only referenced as a General statement, not a definitive label. Knowing who the person is changes the context, there are always two sides to a story, to be fair. My Dr. was not at fault for anything, it was my
reacting out of anger to my friend when I thought she was quoting him about me (I had mentioned he said I made assumptions to her, but forgot in my anger when she mentioned it, thinking he and her had discussed me) so I exaggerated his generalized statement of the person to her, making it seem as if he knew it was her that was referenced (again, he did NOT) because I was incredibly angry with the words being directed my way). My whole point with the thread was whether I had done something wrong enought that warranted my leaving therapy, or if I had just made a big mistake&my ex-friend (to whom I apologized for causing her so much anxiety over the matter) should feel comfortable enough with the agreement I made w/the Dr. so she wouldn't feel like she had to leave therapy. I would feel very guilty if she does, but she can choose to stay and not let this mole hill be made into Mt. Everest. I just want to be as clear on this because I wanted to give her side a fair representation. While yes, she has had much more sessions with him, it wouldn't be fair for me to leave over the matter seeing how she wasn't mentioned by name, only a general statement regarding her attitude was made, and thats all. I really appreciate everyones consideration over the issue, as I was very torn whether I had done something very, very wrong and had to stop therapy because I had wronged somebody that much. Thanks