I am not a grown up

My name is Improving and I am not a grown up. I am a little girl trapped in the life of a grown up, trying my best to fake it. Nobody helped me grow up. I tried to do it alone, but I obviously failed, because I am not a grown up.

From a distance, I am pulling it off. In my professional life, and even with my friends, I act adult. But the truth is, every day is terrifying for me, as I try to judge what is required, and how to respond, with sidelong glances at anyone else I might be able to copy. I am just as frightened as T's 2 year old daughter would be if she was put in an appartment, left alone and told to get on with it.

I cannot have close relationships because as soon as someone gets close to me, I long for them to look after me. In close relationships, this urge becomes consuming until every single one of my needs is met by my partner. And even then I am not happy. I am so driven to get my needs met that I will trample all over everyone else's. I am not selfish at heart. It's more that my needs feel so huge, so urgent, and if they are not met I am not ok, and if I am not ok I will die. My life, and the lives of those foolish enough to get close to me, is dictacted by my need to be 'ok'.

I broke my relationship, and I broke my partner, because I wasn't able to be an adult. Meanwhile, the gap between me and everyone else is widening. At 20 I could just about manage to be the same as my peers. At 28, I am being left behind, and the gap will only continue to grow. Two years into therapy, I am only now realising that this is the problem, and how serious and pervasive it is. I am facing what the rest of my life will be like if I don't manage to change.

The work I am doing now with my T is my last chance to grow up. I am throwing all my energy and hope and money at it. T and I are currently locked in a battle where she keeps saying I am afraid to change. I am not afraid to change. I am pinning all my hopes on me changing. I am afraid of having to 'act' as if I have changed before I truly have. Of again being pushed out of the nest before I am ready, only to spend the rest of my life hovering six inches above the ground pretending I can fly.

Improving - I'm so sorry you're so scared. Keep working on it. It's great that you have a T that knows you. How does she respond when you say that you're afraid of having to 'act' as if you've changed before you truly have?

(((((((((( Improving ))))))))))

Improving, sometimes acting as though we are a certain way can help us become that way. But I understand that you want to feel like you are a grown up. You sound very determined, so I think with the help of your T you can do it!!

Bless you, skysblue, thank you for the encouragement. I'm not sure how T responds- perhaps I've not articulated it this clearly to her. Our argument is quite theoretical. We're doing schema therapy, which identifies different 'modes' in the client. So the child can act from 'vulnerable child' mode, or 'happy child mode', or 'detached protector', or 'healthy adult'. The aim of schema therapy is to strengthen the healthy adult. But here's where we get stuck. T's interpretation of this is that we skip over the middle 'growing up' part. So when I'm acting from vulnerable child, she says 'what would the healthy adult say/do?'- you literally move between chairs. And it feels like such a push, when I'd imagined that I'd get there bit by bit- 'grow up'- until I reside firmly and full time in the 'healthy adult' chair, rather than perching on the edge and faking the responses until I can dash back to my vulnerable child place.

It's a difficult balance, I know. DBT makes heavy use of 'acting opposite', and in my experience it works. Perhaps we must act the part before we can be the part. But my experience is of having 'acted' my whole life, without even convincing myself, and not being any nearer to being what I act

Oh Improving... you so eloquently put into words EXACTLY what I am feeling, only I'm even older than you... It is so exhausting to be constantly "faking it" at work, making everything "seem" ok, and "act as if" I fit in and belong. It is excruciating.

This... this resonates so strongly with me... I feel so far behind my peers, and at this point, the catch up seems so daunting. Thankfully, my T has been patient, and we're chipping away at this one day at a time.

It sucks, but the alternative is spending the rest of my life like this. That doesn't sound good either, so work it is!

You can do it!!! We both can!!

I like schemas for understanding myself, but this sounds too mechanical for me. Make T read skysblue book about healing being in the love and the relationship, at least for a change of pace. Where is Winnicott's holding space? Not in this game of musical chairs. Also, for the past year or so, T and I have been holding dolls, and he holds the one that looks like me. My doll kinda gets tossed around, but the "me" doll is always perfectly tucked in the crook of his arm. She IS growing up safely there, I can see it on her face!
P.s. I am DEFINITELY not a grown-up!

i very much understand what you are saying. {{{{{Improving}}}}}

That book is "A General Theory of Love" - I can't imagine a book about healing more valuable.

Oh Improving, your post is so cute. "my name is Improving and I am not a grown up." I love what you write, always. I chuckled because you throw a little humor in it and also because I can understand so well. I love when you post things like this.

On a serious side I am hearing your frustrations. It is totally unfair that many of us did not get the childhood time we needed to grow up. Yesterday I called T and he didn't call me back til way late at night and he said that he was on the lake all day. Well that made me burst into tears instantly. It just strikes this exposed nerve of mine that is so sensitive and hits the core of me. I want to be on the lake with him. I wanted a dad (or mom) that did things with me like that. Of course I didn't tell him that but I knew instantly what I was upset about. I know how it feels to be delayed emotionally and mentally. I am totally there with you. We are like the lost boys actually girls of Never Never Land.

I also think it's completely normal for therapy to make you feel even less grown up. Sometimes (if we are lucky and work really hard) our core selves and problems will surface and this often throws us back to a very childlike time.

It's totally normal to feel this way. FWIW, I don't think people EVER lose the desire to have someone take care of them. They may have a proclaimed fear of it, but it's always there. It's just human nature.

It may not be something you should even be trying to change right now, but rather wrangle into a perspective where it is manageable, and although it would be nice to be taken care of and have all your needs met, you're good either way.

Just some thoughts.

Peace.

Wow, this brings back a very strong memory of my childhood that I had forgotten. I so identified with Peter Pan and I remember crying when I knew that I had to grow up someday. I never wanted to grow up.

I have struggled with some of the same things - I remember crying in 6th grade because I felt I had to give up playing with dolls. Growing up can be hard. I have been trying to "grow myself up" in therapy for a few years now. The thing that helped me the most was being honest with my T and with myself. I would reach out to my T for support and she was always there. This helped me to realize that the adult part of me could be there for the child part of me. Do you have any pictures of you as a child? You could keep them with you and any time you struggle, take them out, look at them, and see if your adult self can tell your child self that she will take care of her.

Improving you are not alone with this. (((((Hugs)))))

Can a T help you through a period of growing up that you missed out on that you should have had a chance to have?