Hard night after T session, even with light topics

Trigger warning, mention of SI.

I'm having a really hard time tonight. I'm feeling lonely and depressed. The thing is that it doesn't make sense. I had a pretty good day today and we didn't talk about anything really hard in T today. T said it was okay to spend a session on lighter topics. To review the progress and not delve deep into stuff. That I didn't have to make myself feel bad every session by talking about hard stuff. I kind of feel guilty for not making myself talk about hard stuff. For not making myself use the time in T to deal with things. I told her this. I also told her how it seemed like things were seeping out of T and into the rest of my life. But I'm not sure that she understood how bad it is.

I told her how I think that because I'm dissociating less in session it makes it so I am more scared and makes it harder to talk about the hard stuff. I think I got this across. She said the goal is to allow me to talk about the stuff without emotionally disconnecting from the discussion (something I'm still doing A LOT). I know that this is the goal, and I know this is important, but it is so scary and painful. I know my T doesn't like feeling like she is having to pull information out of me. And she told me we can take it slow. But the speed that we have to take it for me to be able to stay connected to what I am saying seems slower than a three toed sloth. (the slowest animal on the planet).

My T is really perceptive of changes in my attention/mood/connectedness in session. I think this is a good thing since I dissociate (I've had Ts who don't even notice). But it also makes it really hard. She can bring me back to all the feelings when all I want to do is escape. Today she started to direct the discussion into some of the more sensitive areas (she has my permission to do this). But then when she felt me distancing myself she went right back out again and brought this up. And it wasn't like I went very far either. But it makes me feel guilty that I can't get this work done. I just want it to be over. I want to be all fixed.

And now even though we stayed on light topics, my mood has totally crashed and I want to cut.

I was just gonna post in the SI forum...
Your dissociation is your response to entering into the hard stuff. I hope you know that.
I know how it feels to want this to be over. I really do...
Sometimes, slow is really the way to go.

I wish I knew what to say to you...
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<googley>>>>>>>>>>>>

googley
perhaps you are feeling bad because you dont feel like you worked hard enough today, because you feel you are moving too slow in therapy, so you are wanting to punish yourself by wanting to cut. please look at yourself with some compassion and accept that you can only go so fast, you have been through a lot, and you deserve time and caring that you T is giving you, the nuturing she is providing to help you heal. Give that to yourself this evening, let yourself know it was ok to take a break. you will pick up on the hard stuff again next time. love yourself just a little

(((googley))) Please be compassionate with yourself I can relate to so much of what you wrote. Yes, any session can feel hard and sometimes afterwards it doesn't make sense. Feeling vulnerable no matter what is being talked about is hard and we can only keep at it.
I sometimes feel guilty that I was too disengaged in a session, but I sometimes can't see things like that, or can't see where I could have said more, etc. until after the session.
It's all something helpful on some level.

(((((( googley ))))))

I can sooooo relate to what you're going through at the moment. I am feeling frustrated and disappointed in myself for how slowly I am moving in therapy. I'm fearful that my T is irritated by me because of how little we progress during my sessions - especially when we hit the hard stuff, and my resistance kicks in.

My T has told me, time and time again, though, that everybody works at their own pace. Yet, he is also curious as to why I have such a hard time with letting go of my feelings in therapy - wondering if there's a reason why I want to hold onto it.

Know that you are not alone in this struggle....Therapy is hard.

how are you feeling today googly.i hope you are keeping yourself safe

Perhaps the session wasn't as light as you thought it was. Sometimes, for me at least, a glancing blow revealing a hard topic bubbles up during those so called easy conversations.

The most important thing is keeping yourself safe and working on opportunities to use different coping skills.

When the acute phase has passed, perhaps you could consider thinking about what you did talk about that may have it upon something.

Be gentle with you (((((((googley))))))

I agree with Ellie...sometimes after those "light" sessions, something comes up, or clarifies itself, or presents itself to me.

And I don't know, sometimes those "light" sessions feel like more than I deserve..to just be there and to be cared for with no expectations. It's almost more than I can take.

I hope today feels better

hi googley,

i agree with with what everyone else has already said, and will add that perhaps you're equating the depth of the conversation with the depth of the connection (with your therapist). just because you're not able to "go deep" into things, doesn't mean that your connection to your therapist isn't deep. you used the words "lonely, dissociating, disconnecting, connection, connectedness, and distancing," and i'm wonder perhaps if the relationship (and your fears about not being connected) is bothering you just as much, if not more, than the fact that you are moving "slower than a three toad sloth." (great image, btw )

just thought it might help to think of this piece of things, and to work on really feeling connected to your therapist. (which btw, you are!) then maybe it won't matter as much at what pace you go, and you'll be able to feel less guilty about taking the time that you need to.

78

Okay, doesn't sound like you took T to heart about not delving into the hard stuff all the time and did it anyway, but without T "there" to help! You need to discuss the guilt with T.

Hi ((((((Crash)))). I know that the dissociation is because of the hard stuff. It is just really scary that she wants me to be totally connected when we talk about it. I know it is important to be able to fully process my experiences, but dissociating and closing myself off emotionally is how I've dealt with this stuff before. It is easier to pretend that the feelings don't exist then to try to deal with them. It feels so overwhelming.

I think part of it is it felt like my T didn't take my urges that I told her about seriously. Kind of like a: well, I'll show you, type reaction. I haven't but I really wanted to. I just wanted to make all the bad feelings go away. I don't know how to love myself. I'm so much better at beating myself up.

Thanks Echoes. It is hard to be gentle with myself. I expect so much, such a high level of competence. It seems like T is really the one place that totally depends on my determination, and yet we are going so slowly that it feels like I am failing. It isn't one session that has been feeling hard, it has been the last couple of months. Since we started talking about the trauma stuff.


(((((((((MUE))))))))) Thanks for your support.

I'm tired and feel like my life is falling apart. But otherwise I am doing better today. Thanks for asking. (((((((Granite))))))

Thanks ellie for the support. It feels like something I should have just breezed through. We barely spent a couple of minutes talking about anything hard. Otherwise it was mostly talking about talking, or my progress or how it was okay to take a break from the hard stuff.

This is part of it. I don't feel like I deserve my T's caring. I don't feel like i deserve to "waste" (though I know she wouldn't think it was a waste) my T's time. Like most of the time I already feel like she should be helping someone who is more deserving of her help. Someone who she will be able to help more. So it feels like a light session is a failure.

Yeah, I was going to say slower than a snail, but that didn't seem to be slow enough to show the pace I'm going at. I think there is always a worry about the connection. But if seems like my T is tired of hearing about my uncertainty about it. Especially since my logical side knows that she doesn't hate me. But I don't know that I can get my emotional side to believe that it would be possible she is anything more than indifferent. Dissociating and disconnecting were how I survived growing up. They were ways of protecting myself. I know that they were helpful then and that they are no longer healthy, but right now they seem like my best friends. I don't want to give them up. I don't want to have to feel what is under the disconnection. I'm afraid of opening it up. That it will overwhelm me. That I wont be able to deal with the feelings.

We didn't really delve into the deep stuff though. We brushed against it and then she pulled us back. She said that it seemed like I was disconnecting in preparation of talking about the hard stuff. (She is right I was.) She is the most in tune T I've ever had to this type of stuff. I told her that I felt bad not using the time working on something hard. So she knows I feel bad about it. It just isn't something that she can fix for me. I have to fix it for myself. Just like she said that it is me that will have to learn how to fill the void that is inside of me. No one else can do it for me.

I remember when I was driving home yesterday I was thinking that one reason session sucked was because I didn't have something to take home with me during the week to berate myself with and bring back the bad feelings when I started to feel better. That I didn't have something to kick myself with about how awful I am and how i deserve to be hated and beaten up. I hadn't really thought about how I do that between session before. That I use whatever awful stuff comes up to keep myself feeling like a failure. Either something we talked about, or something I wasn't able to get out but was going around in my head. Or worries about something my T said and trying to analyze anything negative she could have meant by it. (of course never looking for the positive side of things in what she had said. But I guess I was able to turn this around to be able to do it anyway.

This is really important to notice!

I think sessions that are just 'okay' are hard to get used to. Somehow they feel lacking in some way. They are relieving and comforting too, when we can take it in. Those can be the sessions where the trust and connection grow.

How are you feeling today, googley?

I agree that your session was probably more intense then you realize. Focusing on how you want to avoid your feelings is some meaty stuff! It seems that this therapist is Gestault a little bit and that she is really good at focusing on the here and now with you. Excellent!

Good insight on how you noticed that you beat yourself up and want to return yourself back to a place of failure. Do you think that doing this would please your parents? (You did this as a child in order to please your parents because you assumed that this was what they wanted?)

I'm so glad that you have such a good therapist and you are doing such great work!

Echoes,
I'm feeling a little better. Less far down. Maybe peeking out a little from under the rock I'm hiding under. I'm glad it is the end of the week. That much less time until next session. Though it sucks that my T is out of town the week after that. (don't they know they shouldn't take vacation when their clients are having a hard time? )

Sannah,
She is very eclectic. She pulls stuff out from all the different T boxes depending on what is going on.

I think in a way I don't feel like I deserve to feel good. That it is scary feeling good because I'm always waiting for it to fall apart. it is easier to just feel bad because then it doesn't seem like it is going to feel worse. I'm so used to feeling bad that is what feels normal. Like I don't feel like I deserve to feel good.

Do you feel like you might be punishing yourself by returning yourself to feeling bad?