[learning1]

T was extra nice to me this week. He was supportive about Everything. Even when he asked (again) if I spend time on the internet, he made it sound like he thinks spending time online is a good thing. I don't believe for a second that he doesn't have the disadvantages in mind, but I appreciate that he doesn't feel the need to hint at them right now. Not his usual challenging self. I liked it and I think I'd get to feel more comfortable talking to him if he would continue. I'm used to him questioning everything, so I'm partly expecting him to change back. I suppose with therapists who just tell me predictable, nice things, I'm not sure I get a lot out of it; but if they hint at challenging things, I'm afraid to talk very openly. So hopefully t will be able to find a balance that works. I doubt I can talk openly enough to help him with that much yet...

There's one thing t talked about that's bothering me enough that I feel a little weird writing it here, but I'm doing it anyway. He asked if I feel scared (no) or lonely (yes) when I'm falling asleep. Then he told me he thought of me once when he was falling asleep. He said he thought "I wonder what Learning thinks about when she's going to sleep." My immediate reaction was to be a little embarrassed he would tell me that, but that it was nice he thought of me outside of session.

I'm not concerned that he's hinting at anything inappropriate because he's married and clearly happy with his family. It didn't totally gross me out like I would probably feel if some therapists told me that, but I still feel a little uncomfortable. I wish he could have told me about some other situation where he thought of me.

I suppose the reason I'm uncomfortable is because I'm not comfortable telling him how much I think about therapy. I think about him, and therapy, pretty much at any possible time of day, including falling asleep. I think it's normal for clients to think about therapy a lot, so I don't worry about it TOO much. But ADMITTING TO HIM I do it freaks me out. I assume he can kind of tell I think about it a lot, since I sometimes let him know I remember what he says really well. Gah, it's still embarrassing and I feel pathetic that I have nothing in my life that draws my attention more than therapy. Please don't tell me to talk to him about this whole thing- I really can't imagine doing that!

[elliemay]

I think for therapy to work, it should be big. Your therapist should be big. It should constitute an effort on your part.

Try and think of it this way ( and this just dawned on my a couple of days ago), what if you started a home improvement job. Whilst (yes I said whilst) the job is going on, the house is unlivable. Would you piddle around and say "well, I'll work on this door frame today for 50 minutes, then in a week or so, I'll do some more. I happy sleeping on the floor and not having running water."

No, you wouldn't. You would recognize the magnitude of the project and do it. Why would self-improvement be any different? You're trying to make your home (you) livable.

My guess is that if your therapist how much you think about therapy he would be glad. I'm sure he would want to know what you think about too.

If you are worried about him being inappropriate, that is something to tell him. Not confront him, or accuse him off, but tell him. Those kinds of conversations have always led to something truly beneficial for me.

Just my thought.

Peace

[lastyearisblank]

Yayyyyy!!! Oh, I'm so excited for you learning! It sounds like therapy is finally becoming therapy for you-- you know, when you settle in and really feel that bond start to get mutual (ish) so you can really like have some faith in the process. It's the best and Ita with the house metaphor. That bond should be big. It is big, I guess & it might even get bigger! And you know? That's awesome!!!! I think of therapy as when you take a big breath of air and your lungs expand. Suddenly there is literally more room inside you. I do hope you can share this stuff w/ your T eventually, including that you thought it was weird what he said about the falling asleep, as that is, in fact, a little unusual.

I used to think about therapy a LOT, but I don't as much anymore...but the one time I always, always think about T is when I'm falling asleep at night. He's the safest person I've ever had, and going to sleep is scary for me, and knowing he's "out there" makes me feel safe and cared for.

I do think, like Ellie said, that therapy is supposed to be "big". We are making huge shifts and changes inside. That's going to feel huge, probably.

My T has mentioned times he's thought of me outside of session (last session he said "I was driving in my car wondering what x feels like for tree"), but the falling asleep thing would probably make me pause too. Although when I read it, I wondered if maybe he was giving you an opening to talk about ANYTHING, even thinking about him as you fall asleep. Maybe it was his way of saying "thinking about this kind of thing is okay"

The first time sex came up for me in therapy, T brought it up by telling me about a book he was reading. The title of the book SO related to my story, and I ended up telling him the first tiny part of my story. I don't know when/how/if I would have brought it up otherwise. I actually think about that moment a lot, and I wonder if he did it on purpose. Whether he did or not, I'm grateful that it happened.

to you

[Perna]

Originally Posted by learning1

I suppose the reason I'm uncomfortable is because I'm not comfortable telling him how much I think about therapy.

He may have told you, using that exact time he thought of you (it probably is/was not the only time he thinks of you) because it is a bit more intimate and he wants you to realize that people think about other people they like all the time/often! You thinking about him and therapy is not one-way; he thinks about you and the work you are doing together too.

I think it was kind of nice, his sharing that memory with you; it made him a bit vulnerable because of its intimacy; you could have chosen to misunderstand or take it a different way. He was telling you about himself, what he thinks about before he goes to sleep. Think about how it might have felt to him if you had "recoiled" in shock, fear, distaste? You could have. I think he may also be "saying" that you can tell him anything and he will not be shocked or find it distasteful?

[learning1]

Thanks everyone for the encouragement that things are going the way they're supposed to . That's nice to hear/read.

Originally Posted by treehouse

Although when I read it, I wondered if maybe he was giving you an opening to talk about ANYTHING, even thinking about him as you fall asleep. Maybe it was his way of saying "thinking about this kind of thing is okay"

...I wonder if he did it on purpose. Whether he did or not, I'm grateful that it happened.

to you

Yeah, I wondered if he was saying it to make me feel comfortable talking about anything too. I'm still totally uncomfortable telling him that though. I'm afraid of him, or anyone, thinking I'm attracted to him. Ick. Being a single female going to a good looking male therapist who is my age makes me think that's the conclusion people would easily come to. I sure wish he was female or some other age or something . I knew this was a problem when I started with him but he's the only t who was helpful to me before, so I decided to do it anyway. As far as actually being attracted to him... if he was single and I met him somewhere else... I probably would be, though who knows what he's like in real life. I hope that doesn't mean it's going to be too hard to do therapy with him.

I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who wonders a lot way after the fact about whether my therapists said things on purpose.

[lastyearisblank]

Originally Posted by learning1

Thanks everyone for the encouragement that things are going the way they're supposed to . That's nice to hear/read.

Yeah, I wondered if he was saying it to make me feel comfortable talking about anything too. I'm still totally uncomfortable telling him that though. I'm afraid of him, or anyone, thinking I'm attracted to him. Ick. Being a single female going to a good looking male therapist who is my age makes me think that's the conclusion people would easily come to. I sure wish he was female or some other age or something . I knew this was a problem when I started with him but he's the only t who was helpful to me before, so I decided to do it anyway. As far as actually being attracted to him... if he was single and I met him somewhere else... I probably would be, though who knows what he's like in real life. I hope that doesn't mean it's going to be too hard to do therapy with him.

I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who wonders a lot way after the fact about whether my therapists said things on purpose.

Can I just ask, does it feel comfortable what he said about thinking about you before going to bed? That was kind of niggling at me actually. Just like a boundaries thing.

[learning1]

lyib, I don't know. I don't think he's hinting at anything inappropriate, like I said. I think he's trying to be nice. But I don't feel comfortable because I wouldn't feel comfortable talking to him about what I think about when I go to bed (sometimes therapy and him) so I was uncomfortable for that reason. I guess him telling me that makes me feel sort of like he could ask me about that topic, and I don't want him to ask me.

[lastyearisblank]

The reason that I ask is that in the whole sort of classical "frame" of it, it SHOULD be ok for you to share that you think about him before going to bed, you should be able to share anything you want to as that gives him information about you. But for it to be a mutual thing, where he's sharing what he thinks about before bed is a bit weird to me. That honestly feels like boundary crossing and maybe that's sort of my projection, feel free to ignore it. But even though I totally understand why it would be awkward to share those feelings (I didn't share them w/ my old T) maybe it doesn't feel safe enough to talk about attraction because in the corner of your mind there is the idea that he might respond unprofessionally? Just because, this is not the first time this guy has shared a lot. Again sorry to be a downer and if this is coming from way off base feel free to ignore, obviously.. it's just very mysterious.