[~Christina]

OK so I have been seeing my Therapist weekly since March2011 .. Well i know he has vacation time ... He told me about a month ago he will be gone for 2 weeks ... OK i almost flipped out ,, I did cry about on the way home But i thought , I can do 2 weeks ...

Well last week he told me he got hit with jury duty so it will actually be 3 weeks until I see hime again ,,again I cried but made my mind up IM going to handle this !!!!

Today im damn mess,, I have Severe Fibromyalgia and i have been overdoing everything the last few days knowing full and well ill be hurting and a mess ... and i didnt sleep but a couple hours last nite which is always a trigger for me to go manic or fall in the big black hole of depression .... the black hole is getting closer and closer

Im not attached to my T in a baad way ..its just hes the only one that honestly understand what im going thru ,, hes always honest with me .. back on sept 8the i saw him and i KNEW i was a suicidal mess because my husband would not understand or even try to understand what i was going thru .. well my husband was there so my therapist went outside and got my husband and brought him in the office and told him point blank i was suicidal and had been for 3 or 4 days .. My therapist ( my hero) finally got my husband to understand .. so thats a HUGE help ,, I have problems with if my husband and i arent getting along it effects me to the point i do become suicidal or do some SI ,, YES we are working on this in therapy ....Im one of those people that cant handle it if someone is mad at me ,, its silly i tell ya at age 44 i should be worried so much but its just the way i have always been .

Im just going to try and do alot of meditation and use the coping skills my T has taught me ..

Sorry this is such a long post ,,,, Thanks to anyone that actually rest thru my rambling

Wishing you all Peace and Love ~

More, i totally understand that big black hole of depression have been there myself and it sucks! no light, no air and no one to listen
now you have your t, and he is gone.... but he will be back
can you schedule a phone session with him.
it is good that he talked to H, and explained about being suicidal. my ex-H never even had a clue....

hang in there sweetie and keep posting

[~Christina]

Thanks JB .. Im doing ok ,, I think I just got so use to seeing him weekly ,, being in that safe place that i can be completly honest and not worry about upsetting anyone ( family ) My husband tries to understand what im going thru but there are parts of my bipolar that he just doesnt want to hear about or discuss ...which i think is pretty normal for most spouses ,friends anad family of someone with bipolar .

Thanks for responding to my post <3

Hope your having a good day

[likewater]

It' s really frustrating when those we need to understand us don' t and those that do, aren' t always around. I' m proud of you that you are remembering to meditate and use coping skills. I made a list of all the things i can do instead of si. If i make it through the
list , i start again at the top. Could it be one reason our partners are clueless, is we don' t trust them enough to share what really goes om with us? Just a thought. I think it' s one reason, the other is it would be to scary for them to realize the depths of the pain we
struggle with and the danger we are sometimes in.

[~Christina]

Likewater ...
Good point about our loved ones not really understanding just how deep the pain goes and to what extremes we go to " soothe ourselves" Of course SI is NOT the way to cope ,,but its a hard thing to quit once you start. My husband and i use to be able to talk about everything and we were best friends ... then things got really bad between us for about a year he just refused to listen to me and what i was dealing with . My therapist finally got thru to him on the afternoon of my last trip to the psych ward Sept 8th .. FINALLY my husband at least understands i didnt choose to have Bipolar or Fibromyalgia .. many things he still doesnt understand or want to listen to me talk about it.. i can understand some of it to a degree but it still bothers me that there are some things i just cant talk to him about ...

So I really miss my Therapist ,, he has helped me so much but i do depend on him for being the one i can tell anything too and he doesnt get all riled up ... Sept 8th i went to my appt and told him i needed inpatient care as i was out of control so at least the 3 times i have needed to be in the hospital I have asked for it on my own.. I do know i have had a few times where looking back i really should have made the trip but i didnt .. Im kinda tired of feeling like a frequent Flyer ,, at least the nurses and mental health techs all know me which is a good/bad thing LOL

Im just low and lacking motivation and would prefer to stay in bed under the covers for the nect year or so ,, but i know this feeling will pass ..

Thanks for your response ,, very helpful

WIshing you Peace and Love ~