[granite1]

I'm worried about my teaspoon of trust.it isn't that i don't want to i do but i have no idea how to do this.just pick something hard to talk about??what if i spin out of control??? i know this sounds so extreme for something so seemingly simple.but really i have no idea how .i am going to try i am sure it will be unbelievably scary and awkward .i have no idea what I'm doing.i truly was the client that would get totally out of control instead of talking.i don't know what to speak about i have no words.my T seems to have so much faith in my ability to talk and not spin out of control.me not so much

[rainbow8]

Would it be easier if your T asked you a question? You could tell her you want to talk but you don't know where to start and could she help. Even saying those words could be your teaspoon of trust. Or, just something about how you're feeling at the moment when you're in therapy tomorrow. Or, something about work. I don't think you can plan it. Whatever comes to your mind will be okay. Maybe you can tell her you're afraid of spinning out of control.

[ECHOES]

i truly was the client that would get totally out of control instead of talking.

You were, but now you are the talking client, even though it's hard. You are doing hard work

i don't know what to speak about i have no words.

granite, I think you are doing a great job of finding the words as you go.

Your T can handle it if you spin out of control, but that is something to talk about with her, so you can hear her words about it.

Anxiety builds as the session day gets closer. It's hard, but even that will get better!

[mixedup_emotions]

Perhaps you can start with exactly what you're posting about here. I recently figured out that I feel embarrassed with my T when I have a meltdown and that there's some fear there of losing control in therapy, with him. I mentioned to him after our last session that I believe it's one of the roadblocks to making progress....because every time I try to "pick an issue" of trauma to deal with, they all swirl around in my head and I can't put a finger on one....SO hard. I figure, talking about the trouble I'm having with it - and the feelings of fear/embarrassment - will get me one step closer.

[Perna]

I don't think it's like jumping off a cliff. You don't go from teaspoon to flood like that. Think of how a plant grows and imagine your teaspoon of trust being fertilizer; if you fertilize/feed a plant, you both don't do it just one time and you don't expect "instant" results?

Each session is only going to have a session's-worth of discussion/problems. You can't get to everything, all at once? Yes there are "large" things to discuss but think about it; even if you were to say something like, "My father use to beat me" that might get a whole lot of things stirred up inside you but doesn't really say much for an outside person, your T; is "big" but there are no details? The trick is to start one place or the other; say things "big" but pretty meaningless (so safe) or go tiny ("my stepmother was angry at my oldest brother one night and they were fighting and then she came to my room and I had the light on and was reading in bed when I was supposed to be asleep and she hit me and cut my mouth" -- true story but one of the least of my stepmother's abuses and it's own little self-contained story that I would feel safe enough discussing) so that you are hinting at/daring/opening the discussion but "containing" it for yourself at the same time. That's the biggest thing I learned working in therapy was getting lots of practice learning to contain all the large, scary things inside until I could get them out piece by piece and share them with someone who could be with me as I re-evaluated them. But the practice working with them made it so now I can work with any of my new problems/situations all by myself, as they happen, instead of feeling helpless or too small to be able to do anything about what happens in my own life.

[SoupDragon]

Hi Granite1 - I am so with that teaspoon for my next session with T - I am trying to visulaise it in my head and to explore what might fit into that teaspoon - it might not even be a whole thing, but just a corner, it might even just rest in the spoon briefly before falling to the floor out of sight (was never good at the egg and spoon race at school).

I guess all we can do each week with T is try. SD

[granite1]

panicpanicpanic i just dont want it to be another session without me saying something.but i am terrified right now.why am i even in therapy anyway.it isnt like i want to stop SIing or anything .i just want to be able to deal with life