Oh boy.

I have SO been here before. I start "sensing" something is off with T and one thought leads to another and next thing you know, there is a huge rupture.

I *know* it has to be me, because I know the pattern. We get into stuff that's too hard and too scary and I create conflict with T so we can focus on that instead of the hard/scary stuff. I've seen myself do it, but I never recognize it until it's over.

So now, I try to stop when I see myself doing it. I reach out, I tell him what's going on, I reconnect.

But the thing is...how do I KNOW that it's me? I was trained as a child to be super-sensitive and hyper-vigilant about peoples moods, and so I think when I sense something, something is there. And when we're talking about this gross, hard stuff, I'm so scared the something is that T is sick of listening to it, and sick of me

I tried to get an appt the week he comes back from vacation (I have one on Friday of that week, but I tried to get an earlier one) but he's all booked up. So that felt crappy. And I have my last session before the two week break this Friday. I realized that I REALLY want to try to resolve this before my session.

So, I called today and left a message, but my schedule is so busy, there were only a few possible minutes I could talk today (and tomorrow is the same way) and they didn't work with T's schedule, so we're going to talk Thursday morning.

The scary thing is, T is a REALLY GOOD T, but sometimes when this happens, we just get super misattuned. He says all the wrong things, I get more upset, and things just spiral down. We always find our way back to each other, but I don't want to go through that right now.

T says it's good that I'm reaching out and trying to create a connection instead of a rupture, and I know it IS good. But it is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO scary. T and I have had a big rupture before right before a big break and it sucked.

i just want everything to be okay. I really, REALLY do.

Your awareness that you may be doing this to avoid the difficult issues at hand is very insightful. So, the ball is in YOUR court. Be up front about what YOU are doing rather than dissecting what he is doing to the nth degree. Keep focused on the REAL issues. You know what to do. It will be okay. You are ahead of the ballgame this time. Pat yourself on the back for that.

[learning1]

Wow you're amazing Tree!

[unaluna]

It's part of the 3-step process by which we live and love, it's how we communicate: attune, rupture, repair (repeat!).

If you can, go see the movie Terry. GREAT example of rupture / repair. My T's words almost exactly!

What was this expecting us to be perfect? I STILL remember how surprised I was when I heard a .300 batting average was better than average, and that was a good 50 years ago. My T's brother, also a T, said baseball was life, I think he wasn't wrong.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by hankster

My T's brother, also a T, said baseball was life, I think he wasn't wrong.

My mom used to say that baseball was all fixed...

Tree, I think that what Chris (farmergirl) has said is excellent. It seems to me (after 48657456376384 ruptures) that we go into rupture mode for valid reasons, not all of which may be apparent; but the repair mode that follows is very healing (speaking for myself)

so if you can be insightful and head it off, that's GREAT; but just in case you can't, and it happens, please try to remember that there were ruptures before and you both came through them. Your T cares for you so much, and is so good for you - look how far, how very far you have come in your healing - and he will be there for you even if a rupture happens. Please be gentle with yourself.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by treehouse

But the thing is...how do I KNOW that it's me? I was trained as a child to be super-sensitive and hyper-vigilant about peoples moods, and so I think when I sense something, something is there. And when we're talking about this gross, hard stuff, I'm so scared the something is that T is sick of listening to it, and sick of me

I think you are way way way ahead of the problem here, thus making it less likely that it will be a problem. I don't think you necessarily have to (or should) shut off that hypersensitivity regarding people. Our guts *are* good indicators of danger. We do have so many different inputs regarding our environment, sometimes it's hard to integrate them all.

I think what you are asking is "how do I trust my gut" and I would suggest that you look at the evidence. Muster the courage to *listen* to what your therapist is saying. If he says he is not sick of you, then he's not. You get to trust that and plow ahead. I think you have enough evidence indicating that this is safe and can sit with this discomfort.

Originally Posted by treehouse

i just want everything to be okay. I really, REALLY do.

Then it will be.

[doogie]

I don't have a lot of words, Tree, but I could have written your words as I get what you are feeling.

I have SO been here before. I start "sensing" something is off with T and one thought leads to another and next thing you know, there is a huge rupture.

I *know* it has to be me, because I know the pattern. We get into stuff that's too hard and too scary and I create conflict with T so we can focus on that instead of the hard/scary stuff. I've seen myself do it, but I never recognize it until it's over.

I am so impressed that you're able to recognize these patterns of behavior in yourself. That in itself is a huge accomplishment. I'm still at the stage where I'm just beginning to realize that I bring some things on myself, but can't see the pattern yet. It's so encouraging to see how you deal with this - that you see it coming and make efforts to ward it off. It gives me hope!! Give yourself credit for your strength, pat yourself on the back, and take care of yourself. Hope it goes well on Friday.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Pocket rider here............... it'll be OK Tree.

[geez]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I've seen myself do it, but I never recognize it until it's over.

So now, I try to stop when I see myself doing it.

Great that you recognize this! Awareness is key!

There are many, many, many times when my mind goes into autopilot mode. Bad feelings come up and then my mind automaticly switches into a 'silent avoidance type behaviour' without me even having to think about it(something I learned as a child to cope). I am better at recognizing it now compared to before however it's still hard to 'stop the habbit'. And when it's 'over' everything seems clear. I'm hoping to someday conquer the avoidence behaviour as it only creates problems in my life. It's a slow process but it's getting better.

Hope you work through this quickly (((tree)))

I e-mailed T about this, and he e-mailed me back. Part of what he said is this:

Hey Tree - this is hard hard stuff. When you get close to this big scary old stuff, anyone would look for a way not to face it. It would be somewhat un-natural to move toward this without the feelings you are describing. I am glad to hear how aware you are about the potential to create a rupture. THat knowledge alone, I believe, is enough not to create one. I know you are working hard. You are working hard to stay connected - I can easily see that.

He said other things too that helped.

That quieted things down inside. A lot. I talk to him at 9:30 tomorrow and then see him Friday.

I wish this wasn't so hard, but I guess it just is.

I read something today that said that when darkness falls, the sun is never far away, and always comes back. I have a sun tattoo that I got last October when i was working hard to "take back" that really triggering month. I'm trying to hang onto that, and to T, even though it's really hard.

[Wren_]

you are doing really well tree, even with it feeling so very difficult .... he sees that, we see it also, I hope you can as well

I talked to T this morning. It was not a long phone call, but it helped.

And we kind of planned session tomorrow, which helped too. He's in charge of keeping track of the timing, etc. I'm in charge of showing up.

I think I feel better. Then back to the yuck tomorrow and two weeks off. T and I are going try to find a way to make the two weeks off okay-ish.