[googley]

My T and I have been talking about how hard it is for me to talk about certain things. The last two sessions were lighter because the one before the last one I was feeling okay for the day and she wanted me to be able to stay with the feeling as it happens so infrequently. Then last session we didn't deal with the really intense stuff because she is going to be gone this week and I didn't want to have to deal with any bad feelings knowing she was on vacation.

Okay, so with all this time to talk I realized that part of the reason I find it scary to talk about the bad stuff is I don't want my T to think I'm a freak. Part of me knows that she wont think I'm a freak, but part of me is scared. I know if I tell her this she will be like that isn't true. And I know it isn't, but it is so hard to make the emotional fear believe what my logical side knows. How do I tell her that sometimes I just get really really scared in session? That for some reason sometimes I'm scared of her. I know I have times when people scare me (especially people in positions of authority). It feels like she has taken that place. I know that it is transference. But how do I tell her? How do I tell her that she scares me. That I get so anxious when I come in to T? That even though I feel connected to T at the same time I'm terrified? Part of me knows I can trust her, but the other part is so overwhelmingly scared.

[laceylu]

I am dealing with this very issue in therapy myself. My fear of T is huge and I told her last time so we did not do emdr. I embarrassed her when I told her that I was still afraid of her. So I decided that I am going to jump into this fear issue and try to resolve it so I can do my emdr. I journaled the reasons for the fear and came up with stuff I need to share with her. I think T's have mysterious authoritative powers over me and can turn me into mush. I want this fear gone and that is my next goal for therapy. I pictured her face and imagined that she was washing my hair because that is a safe intimate idea for me. Keep me posted . good luck.

Googley, i have the exact same thing. never could explain it or understand it. you did such a great job. thank you. part of me would really like to mail your post to t and let him know. "this is me"... i will not do that though, that is your feelings. i just understand really well. a very big reason why i hold back in t, just flipping petrified, terrified, etc, you name it. i cannot not even sit lose to t, have to sit as far away as possible.....

hate it but need it=therapy

sending safe hugs and thinking of you

Originally Posted by googley

How do I tell her that sometimes I just get really really scared in session? That for some reason sometimes I'm scared of her. I know I have times when people scare me (especially people in positions of authority). It feels like she has taken that place. I know that it is transference. But how do I tell her? How do I tell her that she scares me. That I get so anxious when I come in to T? That even though I feel connected to T at the same time I'm terrified? Part of me knows I can trust her, but the other part is so overwhelmingly scared.

(((((((googley)))))))

This is SO familiar to me. For SO long in therapy, I was terrified to talk about certain things with T because I was so scared of being judged, of being hurt, of being referred to someone else, etc. etc. etc. etc.

One thing that helped was talking about smaller things...hard things, but just tiny pieces of them, or just a little bit hard. That gave me the chance to experience T being supportive and caring and non-judging and helped me learn to trust him a teeny bit more.

And, as hard as it was, I had to talk about being scared (and talk and talk). And I had to experience over and over and over and over again T's consistency and honesty and solidness and steadiness. It took time...a LONG time.

Could you just say "It's hard for me to talk about certain things because I'm scared"? I'm sure T would guide you (gently) through talking about it...and I know things are way, way, way less scary for me when I bring them into the light.

I'm sorry it's so hard.

[googley]

Thank you all for your replies. I guess I'm intimidated by her. i don't know how to tell her that. Ugh.

[skysblue]

You know what I did a couple of weeks ago? I had written down frankly and honestly my feelings about my T. But instead of telling her spontaneously I read to her what I wrote. I know the words would not have come out if I had tried to do it otherwise. And as it turned out while I was reading the very scary parts of what my feelings are towards her, I 'checked out' emotionally. So, although I didn't experience intense emotions while sharing my scary feelings with her, she now knows what they are.

The next session we discussed how i had detached from what I was reading and it will be an area we will explore more.

So, could you do something similar? Write down your feelings and then read that to her? I've told my T I'm scared of her but I was only able to let her know by reading it to her.

[rainbow8]

googley, I've been scared every single time I enter my T's office. My heart is always jumping up and down, it seems, and my stomach is flip-flopping! What has helped is doing breathing exercises with my T. That's one solution. The other is telling her first thing that I'm scared. It seems that once I tell her how scared I am I get less scared.

If you can't say the words, can you write them? Or can you draw your fear of T?

It's hard to do therapy when you're scared of your T. It helps to have a reassuring, gentle T too. I'm sure your T doesn't want you to be afraid of her. If you can take the plunge and talk a little bit about your fears, it will probably help. Your T may have some ways to alleviate your anxiety.

[googley]

Writing something down sounds like a good idea, and maybe drawing too.

sky-my T is working on me staying present completely during session. It is really hard. It would be really hard to talk about this and stay present.

Rainbow,
The thing is that my T is really wonderful and caring. This isn't about her specifically. It is totally transference. I'm also sure she doesn't want me to be afraid of her. It is just the logic doesn't seem to be winning. She is really nice and would never do anything to intentionally hurt me or scare me. Ugh, i hate all these mixed feelings.

[dismantle.repair]

googley, sorry I took so long to reply.

I've NEVER been intimidated by another human being as much as I have by my T.
I feel like a 4 year old in front of her. My heart races, I want to scream... My mind races too.
That's why, in the waiting room, I never sit. O.O
I remember once she saw me outside waiting, because I didn't know I could've waited in the waiting room, and I was reading a text book... and I was super freaked.
But anyway, beside the point.
Every time I go in, I have to take a sec to calm down.... (doesn't always work)
I think she's realised by now lol.

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by googley

Thank you all for your replies. I guess I'm intimidated by her. i don't know how to tell her that. Ugh.

(((Googley))) I just wanted to drop in to say that you can do this, and it will be so good to get it out there.

I told my T that she intimidates me. I just had to go in, sit down, and come right out with it: "I've come to realize that I am really intimidated by you." She was very kind and we looked at it as being part of the fear of trust, a fear of vulnerability. That it makes sense and is self-protective, when trusting and being vulnerable have been painful. The reality is she isn't scaring me or hoping to. It is my little unconscious shouting "Trust?! Her?! Are you nuts?!" It has taken many many times of her not being judgmental, not being hurtful, not having a hidden agenda, that have helped this push/pull change in intensity. Being able to say in the moment when I am feeling intimidated by her has helped a lot too, because it is less global and more relevant and we can look at it better, together.

I hope you can find a way to put it out there because I think it will be very helpful and you'll feel so much better!

[googley]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

(((Googley))) I just wanted to drop in to say that you can do this, and it will be so good to get it out there.

I told my T that she intimidates me. I just had to go in, sit down, and come right out with it: "I've come to realize that I am really intimidated by you." She was very kind and we looked at it as being part of the fear of trust, a fear of vulnerability. That it makes sense and is self-protective, when trusting and being vulnerable have been painful. The reality is she isn't scaring me or hoping to. It is my little unconscious shouting "Trust?! Her?! Are you nuts?!" It has taken many many times of her not being judgmental, not being hurtful, not having a hidden agenda, that have helped this push/pull change in intensity. Being able to say in the moment when I am feeling intimidated by her has helped a lot too, because it is less global and more relevant and we can look at it better, together.

I hope you can find a way to put it out there because I think it will be very helpful and you'll feel so much better!

Hi Repair-
thanks for your reply. Don't worry about when you did it. all replies are welcome.

Echoes-
You made me think of something. We are trying to go more deeply into topics that I have been Totally avoiding. So it kind of makes sense that trust issues are coming up again. A new level of depth needs a new level of trust.