[jazzy123456]

I need to grieve something... I don't know what it is.

I've let things go in my life before I gave them a proper goodbye.

I do that often.

I tell myself that thats whats best.

((I dislike codependency))

Now, I'm sitting here with some type of loss I can't find

and I'm anticipating a search for it tommorow...

in session

I feel a lot of things

but, most of all I'm scared

that therapy will keep giving me
bandaids

when life's experiences are birthmarks

permeanent

...

just learning how to live from a broken place

is what I'm doing

I wish I was well though.

I wish I was complete.

I wish I wasn't hurting.

I wish I didn't feel so alone

like, nothing important.

Life is a process

Life, in itself, is WORK.

MY heart/spirit is like a storage closet

I've been storing boxes and boxes of grief/pain
in it for a while now

and although, tommorow would be a great day to let it out

I literally feel like nothing--like a big gush of wind the world
let rush through its hair and fingertips without giving it
the proper attention

I feel like I need to be repaired and I hate it because I rather
be whole, I rather be well

All therapy offers is bandaids, is a little relief...
where's that cure... that opening at the end
of all of my stories that cornered me into a suffocating hole?

All I know is, I'm going to be what I want to be in session tommorow.
I'm not worrying about my therapist's feelings or if I did/didn't respond the way she would have wanted...

I have a child inside of me that is hurting
and children don't hold back...
they SPEAK

I don't know much about therapy but, I do know...

we need to just SPEAK

maybe thats where everything begins.

[Sillystring1]

jazzt123456 you summed up exactly how i feel too.
T today, i will try to let go and let what needs to happen happen
Thankyou for your words

[geez]

(((Jazzy))) What you wrote is beautiful and I can feel the emotion in your words. I hope you are able to open all of your boxes and let go of the fear and hurt. While life gives us 'birthmarks' there comes a time in my mind where they become less noticable and the adversity eventually can make us stronger in the end.

Many hugs and wishing you a peacful mind.

[rainbow8]

jazzy, you're an amazing writer. Can you share your post with your T? That would be a good start, I think.

I agree that the child doesn't hold back, just SPEAKS. Or sometimes cries. I never used to let the child out in therapy and that was a mistake. Letting the child speak was and still is healing for me. For that matter, letting any hurt part of you speak your feelings to your T is healing. Therapy does not have to just give you band-aids. It can expose the wound and clean it so it doesn't need the band-aids anymore.

Go in and read your poem or show it to your T. Just be yourself and see what she says about band-aids and grief and so on. Good luck!

[jazzy123456]

You're welcome sillystring... I posted it because I KNEW some people on PC could completley relate. I've had enough experience with PC and therapy, that I knew I hit a lot of feelings right on the nail after I wrote it. We're you able to speak up and not hold back in therapy today?

Thank you GEEZ for the peaceful support. I read your post about how grateful you we're and how strong you felt even though you we're planning on stopping therapy soon. I hope, I too, will get to that place. I'd like think that not every pain in life has to offer bandaids... I'd like to think that some broken containers have room for life, beauty, and love again... but, hey' thats just me'..It's hard sometimes, when your in the middle of the journey, to stay patient.

Thanks rainbow--I didn't feel like sharing my writing with her today but, I might share it next time. Thank you for the compliment about my writing. It's kind of funny how you called it a poem lol..not that that's bad but, that's actually just how I write. I find it unique, because somehow I just naturally write like this, even when I'm trying to express myself... it wasn't intended to be a poem, even though, I'm sure it does sound that way Poetry is one of my passions indeed.

About that child and healing though... thank you for that... it was kind of interesting how much my therapist actually tried to get me to speak today...
She hit the nail right on the head and I felt better when she said...
"I think there's some grieving that you still have to do"

I love when she says things I never quite told her yet... She didn't even know I wrote about that yesterday.