[pinkpony]

Hi whoevers reading this.
I have a very big problem and don't know who to turn to for help. That's why I'm posting on here. I'm hoping someone on this forum can help me because there is no way I'm talking to anyone i know in real life about this - especially my therapist.
I have a really good doctor. Problem is I can't stand the thought that I'm nothing but a project (his words) or a job to him WHILE THERE R PEOPLE HE ACTUALLY CARES ABOUT. If such people (people he actually cared about) didn't exist I don't think it would hurt so much. But right now it just hurts like hell ..knowing that he's capable of loving people ..but that I can't be one of those people. I know about transference and all I've read about it but I have never found any methods to counter it.
I just want to stop feeling so miserable all the time. Coz right now - whether or not I'm around him - every single second HURTS like hell. Especially like when I go to his office and I see his wife's office right next to his..I know how pathetic I am for feeling this way..he's old he's married he's old enough to be my dad.but just it just hurts so bad..and I can't help comparing how he feels about me and how he feels about her..and how I'll never matter as much as she does.
I tried switching doctors last week. I was just so tired of the constant depression that came with knowing I'll never matter to him like the people in his actual life. I was like to hell with all of this. I'll go to someone new and this guy who doesn't care whether I live or die will stop mattering. And the knowledge that he does not care will stop taking over my life. So I go to this new doctor who's also supposed to be pretty good..he lives an hours flight away and i wouldve had to fly there every week to see him but i didnt care.all i wanted was to stop feeling so depressed all the time..
when I enter his clinic my feelings for the other dr diminish and I start feeling better..but then on the wall I see framed certificates belonging to the new doctors wife.and all the feelings of worthlessness and self-hate I'd felt cause of the other doctor and the people in his life return.
I realized then that it's no use. There's nothing I can do to get rid of how I feel. I'll always feel this horrible cause of SOME guy- if not one then the other. I feel so hopelessly depressed. I Know how retarded and illogical all of this sounds. I know. But I can't reason with myself..talk myself out of feeling this way..ive been cutting alot because of this whole thing..I've overdosed 3 times just to escape this feeling..but it just doesn't go away no matter what I do. ..if anyone on this site has any suggestions pls let me know..and please don't tell me to talk about it in therapy..because I'll never do that..if there's anyone that can help me please let me know..thanks

Jeez...I wish I had some words of wisdom....That must hurt like hell to feel that way. Is there something you enjoy doing that will help your self esteem, independant of others? BYW I'm sure your T cares, but it feels different than the care of a family member.

[laceylu]

maybe try a female doctor...

[Asiablue]

I'm sorry you're feeling so terrible about this. Could you consider seeing a female therapist instead, maybe that would take away some of those feelings?

[ECHOES]

Can you turn it the other way, and see it as something you need, something that is about you? You have a wish to be cared about very deeply, and there is nothing wrong with that.

No, knowing you aren't part of his family doesn't stop the desire to be that close to him. If knowing was all we needed, we'd be feeling better fast. But it's more than that, it's about something you need that is important to you and maybe if feels like this person is the only person who can offer that to you; so of course it makes it feel most intense.

You are capable of being loved

Can I ask why you don't want to go to T with this so he can help you with it?

[Indie'sOK]

You know, I had similar feelings for a doctor a few years ago, when I was 11. I felt the same way in that I wanted to become a part of her life and I wanted her to care about me. I told myself I loved her. I knew this was strange and I hid my feelings. Does this sound familiar? You're right, it does hurt. She was on my mind constantly, and I'd cry because I wasn't able to see her anymore (what I went for was a one-time thing). You have every right to feel hurt and pain - it's understandable. I too wish I could say something helpful, but I hope knowing you're not the only one feeling this way makes a little bit of difference.

I agree with Echoes - this does reflect an inner desire to be cared about very deeply. I can feel the same thing with myself as well.

[pinkpony]

Laceylu and Asiablue - I did try a female therapist before this one and it didn't make any difference. I felt exactly the same way - depressed as hell because I knew I'd never matter to her. Then when I switched to this therapist it was like all those feelings got automatically dumped onto him.
Echoes - u might be right and I have considered that possibility ..but that knowledge doesn't make it hurt even an iota less. Why can't I go to him with it..just can't. Don't want to. Ever.

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by pinkpony

Laceylu and Asiablue - I did try a female therapist before this one and it didn't make any difference. I felt exactly the same way - depressed as hell because I knew I'd never matter to her. Then when I switched to this therapist it was like all those feelings got automatically dumped onto him.
Echoes - u might be right and I have considered that possibility ..but that knowledge doesn't make it hurt even an iota less. Why can't I go to him with it..just can't. Don't want to. Ever.

As much a therapy could definitely help those issues, maybe the bottom line is you're not ready to face them? I wish you would find the courage to deal with this because you sound like you're in such turmoil.

[ECHOES]

Why can't I go to him with it..just can't. Don't want to. Ever.

What do you imagine it would be like to tell him? What do you imagine his response might be like?
So often getting it out into spoken words is so very relieving.

[lastyearisblank]

I completely understand not wanting to go to T with this. I think in all of the sessions of therapy I've had, I've never once talked to a T about our relationship. It just doesn't feel comfortable. On the other hand, there is nowhere to talk about this except T. I think that's the important thing. You mentioned in your post feeling this way about guys not just Ts or female Ts and not just male. I get that too. The feelings aren't the problem, it's the difficulty managing them, and that's what therapy can help with. I really hope you can do exactly what you don't want to do and share with T. It's a paradox right. Because the reason these feelings come out in therapy is we trust the T so much. But unless we can trust the whole way, and really put everything on the table, it is really really hard to make progress. I am sorry it hurts.

[unaluna]

pinkpony - you seem to think it's all or nothing at all. Either you are totally in your T's family and everybody else needs to get out?, or you are out in the cold. So, two things:
1) is this re-enacting a situation from your childhood? dad left, had a 2nd family or something? If so, then maybe you can see where these feelings come from, it's like the jealousy getting repeated.

2) the all or nothing aspect. My T is about 5 years older than me, but sometimes I think of him as my dad, my mom, or my little brother, but always as being the one person who is always in my corner, always standing up for me against the
the world and everyone in it. Always putting ME first in the time we have together. I choose that over being a family member, not that I have an actual choice! But what I get is pretty good stuff. And p.s. I once spoke to an ex-wife of his, who said, "You think you marry a T...!" like all your troubles would be over and he would be this great listener? I don't know.

[SoupDragon]

I think about my T pretty much all day everyday - I can't really put into words my feelings for T, but they are intense and drive me crazy sometimes - like if I e-mail T, then I am frantically waiting for a response that sometimes takes a couple of days to come through. I hate T mentioing friends or other relationships, it feels so damn unfair that I can never have a friendship with T.

I too have been unable to discuss this with T - I really just can't even mention it. But I tell myself the intensity of the feelings are because there are some things I need to work through and it is why I need to see a T.

So my theory is if I work on building trust with T, I just might get to a point where I can talk with T to talk about my feelings - it is really hard to imagine right now - but I just try to have faith.

I am sure most T's know that even if they do not admit it, that their clients have strong feelings for them - and I wonder if actually having these strong feelings "attachments" are part of the process and may even be beneficial to us in some way.

[dizgirl2011]

Hey,

I feel like I can understand a lot of your pain as I feel this about the other people in my T's life and it hurts and feels sad that I'll never mean as much to her or that she won't really care when I am not part of her life anymore because I am just a client at the end of the day. Since you have read stuff on transference you must already realise that this is what is happening alongside the fact that where else in real life does someone focus solely on us and help us feel so important. But knowing that what causes the feelings doesn't really stop the pain at all right?

I try to tell myself that even though It hurts so much to think of my T and how much she loves her husband and children and how in my mind I wish she was my mom and loved me the same way, that WITHOUT those people in her life she would not be the same person she is now. That without her family and friends her personality and her ability to understand and empathese may be very different and she wouldn't be the person I feel so blessed to know ( at least most of the time lol).

I know the pain that comes with telling yourself that you mean nothing to your doctor....but who says thats really the case? Has he ever said to you that you mean nothing and he doesn't really care about you?
I know that the pain comes from the fact he doesn't love you the way he does his family... I get that but I bet your Doctor does care about you ...do you think you could ever ask him that? Ask him if he cares about his clients and see what he says?

I wish I had a way to cure the feeling hun, as I wish I could for myself also.

**huge hugs**

[Butterflies Are Free]

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. I did actually tell my T how I felt about her and it was a good thing because we were able to work through it.
Could you write your T a letter and share it during your next session?

I am a teacher and I love my students. a LOT. a lot a lot. Its my job to work with them-- obviously I get paid to do what I do-- but that doesn't mean that the caring, or love, or feelings I have for them are any less. I love my family too. AND I also have room in my heart to care about my students. My students don't become less important if I love my family also. I love my family AND my students. Its the same with therapists. Maybe your T has enough caring inside his heart to go around for everyone.