Okay my T. and I have been working on sorting out all of this stuff (feelings) and has noticed that the "marriage boxes" are getting pretty big. Seems like the longer I'm in individual therapy and the more positive changes I make in myself, the more I see some of the real issues for me is the marriage. I have been trying to affect positive changes in the marriage on my part but my H has his heals dug in but did say he would go to couples therapy.

My T. suggested we go to couples therapy. Of course, i'm not willing to share my T. so he suggested we see someone else in the office.

My question is has anyone else been in this situation? Has anyone had a positive outcome from couples therapy? Or is this just the final nail in the coffin?

My t is actually also my husband's t AND he does joint sessions with us from time to time. It really has been helpful. He works with us primarily on communication with each other.

[wintergirl]

This happened to me, too - I started therapy for a different reason, but when all the layers were peeled away, my marriage was a major cause of pain in my life.

My T suggested couples counseling, and I went to two sessions (with a different T in his office), but it just didn't go well, and I wasn't willing to start over again with a different therapist.

It's worth a try. I hope it goes better for you!

Originally Posted by wintergirl

This happened to me, too - I started therapy for a different reason, but when all the layers were peeled away, my marriage was a major cause of pain in my life.

My T suggested couples counseling, and I went to two sessions (with a different T in his office), but it just didn't go well, and I wasn't willing to start over again with a different therapist.

It's worth a try. I hope it goes better for you!

Wintergirl, thanks for sharing your experience. Did you H go with you? Did you keep going to individual therapy while going to couples counseling too?

[wintergirl]

Originally Posted by Readytostop

Wintergirl, thanks for sharing your experience. Did you H go with you? Did you keep going to individual therapy while going to couples counseling too?

My husband went with me, but he didn't really want to be there, so he didn't say much. I continued going (and continue to go) to individual counseling every two weeks or so.

Good luck!

[sunrise]

When I first went to therapy, I couldn't even talk about my marriage or husband. It was too hard and even traumatizing. Little by little I got to the point where I could mention the topic and stay on it for a few seconds... a few minutes. But I would sometimes abruptly switch when it got too hard--"I don't want to talk about this anymore" and then switch. My T was very patient and did not push me to bring my H in to therapy with me but did suggest it a couple of times... when I was ready. It took a lot of work to get there. I think it was 9 months of individual therapy before I could bring my H with me. My T was totally great working with us as a couple. He is very skilled with couples therapy and was very supportive to me in the sessions without playing favorites and helping my H feel supported too. It was a good experience. We are divorced now, and my T contributed HUGELY to helping that happen in a healthy way for both of us and our children. So my T helped immensely. The legacy of those sessions (we had about 10) is that I am not bitter or angry at my ex-husband and we communicate and co-parent really well. Mega-success!! I wish I had had couples therapy a decade ago and then who knows, the marriage might have been able to continue. (My H did not want to go to therapy when I suggested it all those years ago, and it was too late for us when we finally did go to therapy.) If your H is willing to go to couples therapy with you, definitely take advantage. I think even couples who get along OK can learn something from couples therapy. Communication skills are a big thing that can be learned/improved.

It was really helpful that my T was also our couples T, although I know this isn't for everyone. He knew a lot of the story so wasn't just jumping in blind. He is trained to work with different members in the family (he is a family systems therapist), so this was not a problem for him. (I know some Ts don't take this approach and prefer not to see an established client's family members.)

Although you don't want to see your own T for couples, it is a big plus that you have a T because she can recommend some couples therapists she thinks are really good, instead of your having to choose blindly from the phone book or some other list.

Best of luck to you with this.

[geez]

I wish my husband would go to couples therapy with me! But he won't :-( If we did go to a couples therapist we would be going to a different T. Unfortunatly my T doesn't do couples therapy :-(

My T is a family systems-oriented therapist and I believe he would probably prefer to do couples therapy, although I am sure that he sees the value of me slogging through the trauma stuff that I have to work on. I don't think that would work in a couples context. But I believe we also have couples issues that, although relatively mild and getting better slowly, would be helpful for me and us. My husband is not a believer in therapy, he likes to "solve [his] own problems."

Anne

[geez]

Originally Posted by 3rdTimesTheCharm

My husband is not a believer in therapy, he likes to "solve [his] own problems."

I'm a member of that club! My husband has said the same exact thing! If I could just get my husband past his 'fear' what ever that is and then perhaps we could go someday.

Originally Posted by geez

I'm a member of that club! My husband has said the same exact thing! If I could just get my husband past his 'fear' what ever that is and then perhaps we could go someday.

I feel exactly the same way. How are you not solving your own problems by going to therapy? Maybe it's based on a misunderstanding that therapy is about the T telling you what to do and then your life is all rainbows and unicorns. Hey, sign me up for that T!

With my T, I get a lecture if I even use the word "should" in reference to myself.

But, back to the issue, I think my H is just afraid to look at himself, afraid to look at the super messed up dynamics in his family (even though there was no abuse or neglect, there was just . . . weirdness). Afraid to look at his parenting style-- which, really, is my only issue with him-- and how it affects our son. He is a very good man and he tries hard to be a good husband and father. He's always open to listening but has a tough time following through and making changes consistent with his promises.

Anne