[granite1]

can you believe it???i brought the letter to T. my T started to get up and was asking me what we should do today color or something and i stopped her and told her i wrote her a letter but that i didn't want to read it

i swear she was so shocked she sat down and took a minute to pull it together.she was even stuttering (I'M SORRY T) i don't think she is use to me being so direct.but i know if i didn't say something then i was never going to do it.

T asked me what the letter was about and i told her that it was about our last session.and she asked if we could read it together and i said that i make no promises.(i didn't read at all).

she said that she had already known what the part of me that is pink is all about,how this is the part of me that holds all the trauma that has happened to me .she already knows that this part of me is angry ,scared and full of a bunch of emotions.i don't like her using the words trauma and stuff but i was able to hear it anyway.she said that he has know most of the stuff i have said in this letter for a long time.she said that she understands how important that the part of me that is red is to me but that the part that is pink also needs to be heard.i just don't think she really has a grasp on how dangerous this really is even though she said she does.
she brought out books on mindfulness and asked if i was willing to try to learn some of this so that it would be easier let her see the parts of me that are pink and to still be safe about it.i don't know much about it.i have heard some talk about it here but not much.but i did tell her i would give it a try.
it was an OK session and i feel OK about it right now but i am surprised at how much she said she already knows.i kind of makes me scared about how much she knows that she isn't telling me and how does she know this stuff i don't think i am telling her

[rainbow_rose]

That's great, granite! Sounds like your therapist is very perceptive and that it's awesome that she does know you! I think that's a wonderful thing!!

[FourRedheads]

I am so.happy. you showed your T the letter!! Awesome!!!

[googley]

Granite!
That is so awesome. I'm glad you were able to share that with your T.

[BonnieJean]

granite - happy to hear about you sharing your letter! Sounds like you may have opened a door and were OK with what you found on the other side.

[granite1]

i kind of do think i am OK with sharing the letter.my T wasn't surprised with what i had to say at allin fact i kind of feel relieved to at least know that my T knows i have this horrible part of me and the world didn't fall apart on me.she said that she isn't going to give up on me it was really nice that she said that to me

[delicatefade26]

That's awesome Granite sounds like a huge step was taken today and I'm glad that your T sees you and hears you and understands you and how you are helping them get an even clearer picture of that!! good work

[rainbow8]

granite, that's such WONDERFUL NEWS!!!! I kept trying to post but the site isn't working right, at least for me, so I hope this time this post works! I think everything will start changing for you in therapy now!!! It won't be easy, but you're on your way. I'm SO, SO proud of you!!!!

[Omers]

[geez]

granite that is awesome! I've said things to my T and have not had the reaction I expected (in a good way). T's are usually good at reading people in addition it is great that our feelings aren't judged. Such an awesome feeling!

So happy for you!

[Wren_]

really proud of you also well done on taking charge of the session and letting her know what was going to happen and then giving her the letter to read; and how reassuring that she not only was ok with it she also knew much of what you shared so that you know (really really know) she accepts you and isn't going anywhere

[unaluna]

Hi granite
So great! When your T said she "knew", I think she meant she understood about the "jobs" that red and pink do as part of your personality? But the other two stories, like about going up the stairs and how you felt being in the room, those were very powerful accounts that maybe she didn't really realize what was going on with you.

I think your 2 stories helped me understand what happened last week with my T. All he did was play some music that I brought in, on his computer, but there was so much STUFF going on in the room, as you said, it was electric! First I was so MAD at him for being so SLOW on the computer, but then I realized I didn't want to yell at HIM as I would usually have done at work. Then when the music finally did start, I thought, this should be awkward! But it wasn't, it was actually quite comforting. And over the next few sessions, we talked about it all, even my urge to yell, and why I didn't. I said it was my first experience of emotional regulation, to throw a DBT word out there!

Thanks, granite. That you experienced then described so well this altered sense of reality I think is an extremely valuable contribution to this site, and certainly to me personally.

[vaffla]

Good for you!

[karebear1]

granite- I can't tell you how proud I am of you for taking that step and haring your letter with T. Do you realize that you have taken several giant steps in the past few months with your T? Things you feared doing, you went ahead and did- and they have turned out ok! One step at a time granite- that's all it takes is one step at a time and we can really start going places. Good for you my friend!

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by karebear1

granite- I can't tell you how proud I am of you for taking that step and haring your letter with T. Do you realize that you have taken several giant steps in the past few months with your T? Things you feared doing, you went ahead and did- and they have turned out ok! One step at a time granite- that's all it takes is one step at a time and we can really start going places. Good for you my friend!

i agree with this about 1 MILLION KAJILLION BAZILLION percent () I have followed all your posts since you started posting here (not a stalker, i swear!), and I agree with karebear. you have jumped in leaps and bounds over the past few months in trusting your T. It is HUGE and so awesome. I feel like a proud mama bear, even though im younger!

[PTSDlovemycats]

Awesome Granite! Mndfullness will help you climb mountains in therapy once you learn how to practice it. Coming from experience with this one. Good luck to you!

((((((((Granite))))))))

Good work

[granite1]

Originally Posted by delicatefade26

That's awesome Granite sounds like a huge step was taken today and I'm glad that your T sees you and hears you and understands you and how you are helping them get an even clearer picture of that!! good work

truly i was so surprised when she said she already knew about how dangerous i feel the part of me that is pink is.and she still wants to see that part of me .this is what i don't understand.i mean i do but i don't.a huge part of me still thinks that it is a bunch of crud that i can do this safely with out anyone getting hurt.T said I'm cynicalin a very endearing way

Originally Posted by rainbow8

granite, that's such WONDERFUL NEWS!!!! I kept trying to post but the site isn't working right, at least for me, so I hope this time this post works! I think everything will start changing for you in therapy now!!! It won't be easy, but you're on your way. I'm SO, SO proud of you!!!!

im glad it worked this time i love to hear from you .it is comforting and i know you are ok.my T said it will take some time but she thinks we have a good place to start with this mindfullness stuff.

Originally Posted by geez

granite that is awesome! I've said things to my T and have not had the reaction I expected (in a good way). T's are usually good at reading people in addition it is great that our feelings aren't judged. Such an awesome feeling!

So happy for you!

she really didnt seem to judge me at all that is kind of crazy.i thought she would have all kinds of issues with what i said and i would just totally shut down.it didnt even scare herat all how could it not? i know enough and it scares the heck .she said she isnt giving up on me or that part of me either

[granite1]

Originally Posted by tigergirl

really proud of you also well done on taking charge of the session and letting her know what was going to happen and then giving her the letter to read; and how reassuring that she not only was OK with it she also knew much of what you shared so that you know (really really know) she accepts you and isn't going anywhere

i was so scared i probably sounded like a total idiot telling her i wrote her a letter but didn't want to read it.i am so glad she was willing to read it.i don't know what i would have done if she didn't .sometimes she wont.i am very glad she isn't going anywhere

Originally Posted by karebear1

granite- I can't tell you how proud I am of you for taking that step and haring your letter with T. Do you realize that you have taken several giant steps in the past few months with your T? Things you feared doing, you went ahead and did- and they have turned out OK! One step at a time granite- that's all it takes is one step at a time and we can really start going places. Good for you my friend!

i know that i seem to be taking a lot of risks and it feels scary as heck and awkward and uncomfortable.i swear every time i go to T these days i feel so sick and yucky.when i get out it feels OK but not for long.i hope someday the OK feeling will stay

Originally Posted by velcro003

i agree with this about 1 MILLION KAJILLION BAZILLION percent () I have followed all your posts since you started posting here (not a stalker, i swear!), and I agree with karebear. you have jumped in leaps and bounds over the past few months in trusting your T. It is HUGE and so awesome. I feel like a proud mama bear, even though I'm younger!

i dont think you are a stalker at allthanks for following it means a lot to me and believe me i can always and i mean always use a mom who can be proud of methank you

[granite1]

Originally Posted by hankster

Hi granite
So great! When your T said she "knew", I think she meant she understood about the "jobs" that red and pink do as part of your personality? But the other two stories, like about going up the stairs and how you felt being in the room, those were very powerful accounts that maybe she didn't really realize what was going on with you.

I think your 2 stories helped me understand what happened last week with my T. All he did was play some music that I brought in, on his computer, but there was so much STUFF going on in the room, as you said, it was electric! First I was so MAD at him for being so SLOW on the computer, but then I realized I didn't want to yell at HIM as I would usually have done at work. Then when the music finally did start, I thought, this should be awkward! But it wasn't, it was actually quite comforting. And over the next few sessions, we talked about it all, even my urge to yell, and why I didn't. I said it was my first experience of emotional regulation, to throw a DBT word out there!

Thanks, granite. That you experienced then described so well this altered sense of reality I think is an extremely valuable contribution to this site, and certainly to me personally.

thanks for sharing some of your story here.it is really scary when this happens to me and i dont like it at all.my T calls it flashbacks.i dont like that word at all.but she explained it in terms of not only are there concrete memories but also other types like auditory ,and feelings,etc.this is what she said happens to me .it is like i am flooded with feeling and and how i see things and hear things.it isnt like i am halusinating or anything.i guess i cant describe it as well as she can .but it is scary and i dont like it at all.
i totaly get the feelings comming out of noplace at all.i'm glad you were able to look at it with you Tit only took me a year to tell mine on even one experiance.lol

[granite1]

Originally Posted by PTSDlovemycats

Awesome Granite! Mndfullness will help you climb mountains in therapy once you learn how to practice it. Coming from experience with this one. Good luck to you!

i dont know much at all about this mindfullness stuff exsept what people tell me here.sound a lot like stuff a friend has said to me about being here and now stuff.he is a buddest .it sounds a lot like that.is this something you do with your T???

[Butterflies Are Free]

Great job!

[peaches100]

Granite,

That is SO AWESOME that you got up the courage to give your t the letter! I'm really glad too that she was so accepting of you and wants so much to let those parts of you speak and heal! Way to go!!

[rainbow8]

My T practices mindfulness. That's why we do breathing and meditation, though not every session. She wants me to do it every day at home or at least when I'm stressed but I forget.

She also had me read the book Peace is Every Step byThinh ? I keep forgetting his name but it is such a joyful, soothing little book. Also, Wherever You Go There You Are about mindfulness. It is all about experiencing the present moment because that's all we have. Feeling calm, peaceful, and content. Yoga helps with that too.

Your visiting the waterfalls is a good example of mindfulness! BTW, I went to a Japanese garden and they had waterfalls and I thought of you!

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by granite1

my T calls it flashbacks. she explained it in terms of not only are there concrete memories but also other types like auditory ,and feelings,etc. it is like i am flooded with feeling and and how i see things and hear things. it isnt like i am halusinating or anything.

I'm going to call you Dr Granite from now! Maybe that's what was happening to me when my T was playing the old jazz music - I was physically remembering my dad playing the wind-up Victrola, as a comforting lullaby. I do remember him doing it in later years at the dining room table, but no concrete memories as you say, of before.

I will pay more attention to those "buzzing" moments. I thought they were related to anxiety, but even how I experience anxiety is weird. It's like I'm on a different level or floor than my anxiety. But when the buzzing happens, it's - I'm - all in one place. Oh, and T said way at the beginning, years ago, that that is "integrating" - maybe when it's good buzzing like I had with T, not the bad buzzing. Because it felt like there was a huge sign in lights in the room saying COMFORT. And I HAVE been making my home more comfortable these past few days! (it's a mess here.) I will ask him tomorrow.

Thank you Dr Granite, see you same time next week?!