So yesterday morning I looked at my planner and I realized I had written down an appointment with T. I had already seen him once this week and didn't intentionally book a second appointment for this week, but somehow I did. Surprise! It was too late to cancel the appointment, so I went. We always manage to work on something so I knew we would yesterday.

I really had no pressing issues on my mind, although that's not particularly unusual. I tend not to plan my sessions in advance. But of course, T has a way of honing in on where I'm at, even when I have no idea of where I'm at.

We got onto the topic of how insecure I feel in my own skin right now. T said that I've been to hell and back several times in the last 5 or 6 years and it has left me feeling pretty shaky and uncertain, sort of anticipating the other shoe falling so to speak. Through everything I've been through, I feel like I've lost a very important part of myself -- my music. I started crying at that point; it has been such a loss for me. I used to be a fairly accomplished pianist and flautist, and I sang in several chorales in the area. When I got sick, all of that went by the wayside and I'm actually quite scared to pick it all up again. What if I fail? What if I get sick again?

T wants me to start picking up my music again. For some reason it is such a frightening prospect, but I know it is what I need to do. Without my music, I just don't feel like me and my confidence has really waned.

Lots to think about.

So the unplanned, surprise session ended up being pretty loaded and thought-provoking. Thanks Steve. You're always spot on.

[zbmom]

Glad to hear it! I see my T 2x a week right now and I'm glad I have that option for the time being. One hour just isn't enough.

[ECHOES]

Chris, I hope your return to music brings you much pleasure and joy like I imagine it must have before. What if you love it again!

[FourRedheads]

Hi Chris,

I'm by no means an accomplished pianist but music also brings me much joy. Playing the piano helps me to express myself when words fail. I hope you are able to return to your music soon and that you will be surprised to find the joy is still there.

[cin1]

hope you keep doing what you love and love what you are doing. no one has to know if you " fail " or not. cin1

[Butterflies Are Free]

I hope you are able to go back to your music. I had to give it up for a while, too and it was hard. You could always start up again and let them know that you have had some health issues. Best of luck and do re mi!

[rainbow_rose]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

I used to be a fairly accomplished pianist and flautist, and I sang in several chorales in the area. When I got sick, all of that went by the wayside and I'm actually quite scared to pick it all up again. What if I fail? What if I get sick again?

but... what if you don't? Besides, imo, by trying, you are not failing.

Originally Posted by rainbow_rose

but... what if you don't? Besides, imo, by trying, you are not failing.

This is where T really has a hard time "getting" me. He's a very physical/athletic person, and I most definitely am not. In his mind, exercise and physical activity would really help me, even though he knows I absolutely deplore anything physical. It's just not who I am. He doesn't get that because it is so contrary to everything he knows. This is where we always butt heads.

Music is much more than a hobby or activity for me. It truly is in my blood. My mother was a fine organist and Dad had a beautiful tenor voice, and they raised us listening to classical music. We were singing along with Handel's Messiah by the age of 5 -- in parts. All of us play several instruments. We all sing. We sing and play together as a family -- actually perform together as a family. It is a huge part of my identity. We never played sports -- never had any desire to play sports -- actually pretty much detest athletic activity.

I have yet to really get the essence of that across to T, and it is a hard thing for someone without a musical bone in his body to "get". My husband and I were talking about this last night. My husband in this regard is very much like my T; he is a physical being -- played all the sports in school and can't carry a tune in a basket. But my husband, after getting to know my family, now realizes that music is very much who we are. He knows it is much more than a hobby for me. He says he also has tried to explain that to our T, but so far it hasn't really sunk in.

Friday was the first time though that I really have talked about how losing the music has really taken a part of me away. I suspect T will get there eventually; it will take me being willing to keep sharing this with him and it is a very painful thing to share. We'll get there.

[Inedible]

This is going to sound a bit strange, or more than a bit. In many types of Shamanism there is the idea that particularly in traumatic experiences we will end up leaving parts of ourselves behind. This is done as sort of a protective mechanism. The treatment is called soul retrieval. There are books and guided meditations on the web for doing this for yourself, and an increasing number of alternative medicine practitioners who can do this for you - it is not so easy to find actual Shamans, but it is a skill that some people are drawn to learn. The reason I mention it at all is that you may have been separated from the parts of yourself who are musical and the anxiety you describe about trying it again fits the pattern. I am just putting this out there as something you could look into if you feel it clicks with you in some way. It is possible to bring back the parts of you who are musical, and this process gives an increased feeling of being whole in many ways.

Thanks, but not my kind of thing.

[Butterflies Are Free]

I am so glad you are willing to keep talking to your T about just how important your music is to you!

[rainbow_rose]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

This is where T really has a hard time "getting" me. He's a very physical/athletic person, and I most definitely am not. In his mind, exercise and physical activity would really help me, even though he knows I absolutely deplore anything physical. It's just not who I am. He doesn't get that because it is so contrary to everything he knows. This is where we always butt heads.

Music is much more than a hobby or activity for me. It truly is in my blood. My mother was a fine organist and Dad had a beautiful tenor voice, and they raised us listening to classical music. We were singing along with Handel's Messiah by the age of 5 -- in parts. All of us play several instruments. We all sing. We sing and play together as a family -- actually perform together as a family. It is a huge part of my identity. We never played sports -- never had any desire to play sports -- actually pretty much detest athletic activity.

I have yet to really get the essence of that across to T, and it is a hard thing for someone without a musical bone in his body to "get". My husband and I were talking about this last night. My husband in this regard is very much like my T; he is a physical being -- played all the sports in school and can't carry a tune in a basket. But my husband, after getting to know my family, now realizes that music is very much who we are. He knows it is much more than a hobby for me. He says he also has tried to explain that to our T, but so far it hasn't really sunk in.

Friday was the first time though that I really have talked about how losing the music has really taken a part of me away. I suspect T will get there eventually; it will take me being willing to keep sharing this with him and it is a very painful thing to share. We'll get there.

I do understand, farmergirl. I really do. Music is a big part of my heart and life - I understand it's like losing a part of you. I know how that feels. after not playing for a while, what surprised me was how much of my music was still there when I picked up my instrument. I agree - Without the music, we're not the same people. It's hard when someone doesn't understand that, esp. your therapist. But I'm sure you'll get there. don't stop trying.