[googley]

My life has been so stressful this last week. A lot of stressful things happened that I wont go into. I had a really hard session last week. I don't even know how to describe it. I just totally fell apart. I hardly ever do that, even in T. I have the worst feelings most mixed up and can't stand them. I'm worried about going back this week. And that hardly ever happens. My T just seemed to miss the boat last week. I'm supposed to be working on not dissociating in session. I didn't last week, but I really needed my own space. So I had to turn away from my T because I was falling apart and crying and needed my own space. She just assumed that I was angry. Which I wasn't. I was just feeling so overwhelmed and ashamed. And then I felt worse when she thought I was angry and wouldn't seem to believe me when I said I wasn't. I don't know what I needed right then. I just felt so alone even before she said that. Then I felt even worse. I don't even know how to bring this up with her. I'm so anxious about going this week. I don't know what happened. It felt like we were arguing even though we weren't. It felt like she didn't believe me. It felt like I was back as a kid and she was telling me what I was feeling was wrong and wasn't what I was feeling.

[learning1]

sorry googley!

It is really something how much effect therapy can have on one's mood until the next session. sigh. on the positive side, there's the chance for things to get better when you go back and have a chance to talk about it. i hope it goes well!!

[granite1]

it will be ok googly.sounds like you were triggered badly first byt whatever you were tslking about and then T not believing that you werent mad.i bet it feels yuck.i hope you will be able to talk to T about it even if it does make you feel scared it is probibly nessisary to clear it up or it will just seem to get bigger.

Originally Posted by googley

It felt like she didn't believe me. It felt like I was back as a kid and she was telling me what I was feeling was wrong and wasn't what I was feeling.

This is SO important, ((((((googley)))))). Can you tell her exactly this the next time you see her? Or even leave it on a message or e-mail it if it feels like it will be too hard to say?

I've found that when I get really triggered by T, there is something super important there to work on. And the amazing thing is, it is SO healing to work through it and have a different outcome than what we had in the past.

When I am upset about something that happens in T, T listens, and tries to understand, and validates, and helps. He owns his part in it, if he had a part. Total polar opposite of my childhood, you know? And each time it happens, I think it does a little bit to undo those old messages - that I don't matter, that my feelings don't matter, that what I feel is wrong and stupid.
It does matter. YOU do matter.

You say you don't know how to bring this up with her. Can you take a deep breath and just say what you said in your message (that I quoted above)?? If you can just get those words out, she will be able to help you move forward from there.

Thinking of you ((((((googley))))))

I think the way you put this at the end of your post was just so clear and straightforward; it's amazing that you are able to pinpoint exactly what she did (not believe what emotion(s) you were experiencing) and how it made you feel and how it was connected to your childhood experiences.

T's are human; they make mistakes. Some T's ARE really good a reading emotions and have a lot of experience and can get arrogant about what they THINK they know. But everybody expresses things a bit differently, and she misread you and then she couldn't take what you said at face value, had to second guess here.

I bet if you tell her exactly what you said here, that you'll be pleasantly surprised by her response. It is somewhat our responsibility as clients to educate our T's about us.

I actually enjoy the opportunity to tell my T he's gotten it all wrong. "Okay," he says sitting back in his chair and waiting for it, "School me." I really love that about him, his willingness and openness for me to explain it to him. Makes me feel like the expert on me, a feeling that I hope to extend outside the therapy room sometime during my life.

Anne

[googley]

I'll try to talk to her about it tomorrow when I see her. It took me a while to figure out what went on and why it felt so bad. I've been trying to avoid thinking about it (but know it has been being thrown around in there somewhere). I was already feeling really bad/scared and that just made it worse.

Originally Posted by 3rdTimesTheCharm

"Okay," he says sitting back in his chair and waiting for it, "School me."

That made me laugh.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by googley

I'm supposed to be working on not dissociating in session. I didn't last week, but I really needed my own space. So I had to turn away from my T because I was falling apart and crying and needed my own space. I was just feeling so overwhelmed and ashamed. And then I felt worse when she thought I was angry and wouldn't seem to believe me when I said I wasn't.

I just felt so alone even before she said that. Then I felt even worse.

It felt like we were arguing even though we weren't.

It felt like she didn't believe me. It felt like I was back as a kid and she was telling me what I was feeling was wrong and wasn't what I was feeling.

Excellent work Googley! Can't wait to hear about your session today.

[googley]

We talked about a bunch in session. We talked about other times when I have felt scared to tell someone something, or when I have felt that others haven't believed me. So we talked a while about that. Then we talked about what happened between us. My T said that she didn't remember what I was referring to. I tried to explain, but she still didn't remember. She said that she definitely didn't leave thinking I was angry because she would definitely have written it down if she had thought that. But we talked about it anyway. I'm supposed to try and remember when I am feeling things like this (that I'm scared to talk about things, or that I'm thinking people will think I'm stupid, worthless, or not worth their time) that it is my "parents" talking and not what is going on right now. That other people wont react the same way my parents did.

I'm also going to try and tell my T when I get upset or scared in session so we can deal with it right then so I don't have to carry it around all week with me. So I'm going to try. She also understood that sometimes I don't know until after I leave. We are both going to try and be aware of what is going on. I told her that I had needed my space. She is trying to help. So I'm hoping that this doesn't make her stop trying to step in and help because usually that is what I need.

She said that I'm really good at hiding what I am feeling (and I am, I perfected it pretty much as a child). So that makes it harder for her to know what is going on. It is so hard to take off the mask I've been wearing for years.

[geez]

Originally Posted by googley

She said that I'm really good at hiding what I am feeling (and I am, I perfected it pretty much as a child). So that makes it harder for her to know what is going on. It is so hard to take off the mask I've been wearing for years.

((((googley)))) It is very hard to change what one has been doing for many years. Speaking from experience it's really hard to change old habbits however it does get better with time as frustrating as it seems.

[Sannah]

Sounds like such an excellent session!!