[Wren_]

Can you tell your T about your family; thinking more about parents, siblings, growing up, relationships with them now you are older etc. (although where applicable also about children, spouses etc.) ? (that's the can)

The second part is how?

I can talk about me, what I'm thinking, how I relate to things, my experiences but when it comes to discussing family most of the time I freeze and can't talk because to say anything at all feels like a massive betrayal and not something to be shared with anyone else, it feels like to do so would be doing something wrong no matter what was said (positive as well as negative). I have talked a bit about it with my T, but it was so hard and continues to be difficult

[skysblue]

I know what you mean about feeling like you're betraying people by talking about them. That is something I keep mentioning to T. But since most of my issues are about relationships there's no way I can NOT talk about them.

[dizgirl2011]

Heya,

my family are not overly close so I find it ok to talk about them...in fact I need to a lot of the time. I talk about people I am close to as well but I can understand how you could feel guilty for doing so.

In a way perhaps you could try to think of it as not talking about other people behind their back or betraying them but talking about them in relation to you. That it;s another way of talking about yourself, which it ultimately is as far as your Therapist is concerned as they are wanting to understand your life and your relationships.

Unlike just telling a friend or someone else about your family and relationships, in therapy it is completely confidential so what you say will not get back to hurt them in any way.

Perhaps you need to just start out small, like little facts about family members?

You sound like a very loyal person, which is a fantastic trait and I don't think anyone would want to take that away from you but if there is a need to talk about your relationships in your life in order to help you then it's about making a healthy choice in a safe, confidential environment

[Perna]

I remember back in 1970, the very first session with a T, and feeling like you describe and I told my story, etc. and at the end his only comment was "I didn't hear anything about your father" (my stepmother was my problem :-) and being horrified at the oversight.

What you say is always only about you as you are not those other people, your family. What you say is your point of view at all times and T's know that. When my stepmother died, I went around singing, "Ding dong, the witch is dead!" from the Wizard of Oz but that does not make my stepmother a witch or a bad person; that's just my perception and experience with her and that's what therapy is all about. I don't feel that way anymore (she died in 2001 and I finished therapy in 2005), our feelings and perceptions of our family do change over time and with therapy and that's not about them but about ourselves.

[Wren_]

thanks Sky, dizgirl and Perna

what was said about, people in relation to me; and that what I say is always only about me not them ... is where I get confused

I know that my interpretations of people are only going to be what I experienced, so if someone gives a judgment of another person because of my mixed-up thinking then it feels very very wrong

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by tigergirl

I know that my interpretations of people are only going to be what I experienced, so if someone gives a judgment of another person because of my mixed-up thinking then it feels very very wrong

That's what I told T at the very beginning. I told her that I'll be telling only lies Not that I want to lie but that there's no other way I can tell the story. You see, my memory is poor, my interpretation is wrong, my emphasis is skewed, my emotions are reactive. I will have selective memory and I will give people motives that are not true. In other words, everything I share in session with T is a lie. That worried me a lot - a lot.

But what I understand now is that slowly slowly the understanding comes about our own emotions. It almost doesn't matter what's true and what isn't because we're not sitting in judgment on other people. We are trying to figure out what's going on with us.

My T once told me when I was struggling with a problem with a person. She said, "that problem will resolve itself. What' more important is what's going on with you."

And so what has happened is that my historical reactions and responses are getting played out with T now. That's what's so cool about therapy and attachment to T. We can't help but project our issues onto them and then the issues become clear and real and in the present moment and easier to address.

So, I'd say not to worry too much about what you say in session about other people. It really doesn't matter and your T will be more interested in how YOU feel, not how other people may be behaving.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Perna

I remember back in 1970, the very first session with a T, and feeling like you describe and I told my story, etc. and at the end his only comment was "I didn't hear anything about your father" (my stepmother was my problem :-) and being horrified at the oversight.

T says the same to me: "You never mention your father."

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by skysblue

That's what I told T at the very beginning. I told her that I'll be telling only lies Not that I want to lie but that there's no other way I can tell the story. You see, my memory is poor, my interpretation is wrong, my emphasis is skewed, my emotions are reactive. I will have selective memory and I will give people motives that are not true. In other words, everything I share in session with T is a lie. That worried me a lot - a lot.

I get the impression that Ts are really not interested in historical accuracy. That bothers me.

[Wren_]

My T is very much interested in historical accuracy (as much as is possible anyway) ... I have talked to and read about others who aren't though including some who have taken the route of it doesn't matter if this happened or not it's what you believe happened

I still find what I wrote in this thread very difficult

[rainbow_rose]

I feel my therapist is interest in my truth, my history as I see it. it's all subjective - my perception.

tigergirl: