Trying to comfort the "child"

I'm really trying because otherwise I'm going to be completely miserable until my session. Every time I think of my T I start to cry but I stop myself. I visualize "that child part" climbing into her lap or lying down in bed next to her and T putting her arms around her. This is not an adult fantasy; I'm sure it's about what I needed as a child.

I know my T will tell me to picture myself holding "that child" as I call her. She will also say it's okay that she's there too. She's told me that she and I, and my close friend can be in a circle holding her (that was about the baby but I don't think it matters). So I can do this!!! I can see that child being held by me and my T together. My T is comforting her but so am I. I know her better, and it really feels like she's someone else, NOT me, if that makes any sense. But I know she's me.

I never thought I could feel any better this week because all I want is my T but I owe it to her to try to heal myself and do what she says I need to do. I know the goal is not to have my T there with that child but right now it's okay. She can't hold me in the session but she is willing to 'hold that child'.

When I think about being with my T, I feel like I can't breathe. I can't do anything about those feelings right now, but I CAN visualize her and me taking care of that child, together. At least briefly I can do that.

I still wish it were Tuesday already!!!!!

The longest mile begins with the first step. Your on the way.

your post makes total sense to me, your inner child is feeling vulnerable, scared and needs plenty of hugs, over time as her needs are fulfilled she will realise you are there to take care of her and her needs will get less. Mine is much happier now, but still comes out sometimes when she feels scared, i visualise hugging her and can hear me reassuring her (in my head not out loud) I still give her time when at home to be herself, watching kids tv or hugging her favourite soft toy and sucking her dummy (i bought her a dummy when the thumbs got sore!) like all kids as she grows up and gains confidence i know the dummy will get left behind but for now it is serving the pourpose.

i think it is great that you were able to put yourself into the picture and be able to comfort little rain along with T

Personally, I think this is an essential part of some therapies. At least it was for mine. Being able to reach back with your mind's eye and visualizing comforting the little rainbow.

However, I also think it is equally as important to visualize the now comforted and placated child. How would little rainbow react to this comfort. How would her behaviour change? What would she say to this comfort? What would she feel?

I believe that it is in this follow through visualization that the real change occurs and you can open yourself up to, not just the process of comfort, but the outcome of being comforted.

If you can visualize the outcome, then it is a lot easier to implement it and translate it to yourself as the adult. In this way the inner child and the outer adult can merge.

Can you perhaps practice creative visualization that you are doing but go even longer and deeper into it? For example, take one hour out of today and go to session. Go into a closed room and see your T sitting in a the chair... give her a comfortable one :-)
Spend that one hour as though you were in session with her right then. And watch the clock or set an alarm or have someone knock on the door... you do not want to go over your session time.

Big hugs to you and Little rainbow!

I know how difficult it is to deal with the needs of your inner child, esp in relation to our Therapists. You are doing sooo well and I bet your Therapist will be so proud of you when you tell her about how you are trying to comfort little rainbow alongside her in the hope of being able to do it alone someday in the future when you feel ready!

I use to talk to the child, commiserate with her that T was not with us and tell her I'd do the best I could looking after and comforting her but that I was new to it and she'd have to help me, too; that formed a bond between me and my child part that T wasn't part of? One of the good things that can come from therapy being a "threesome" like that.

Thanks for the responses. This is so hard for me. Today I woke up thinking that I'm a liar and I'm pretending it's the child parts when maybe I really AM in love with my T. I know that's ridiculous given all I know about transference! It's probably all the parts who want to be with my T. I had to read a long novel to escape from my feelings so half the day is over.

earthmamma: thank you

yellowted: I hope you're right. It's dificult for me to accept that comforting my own child parts will be effective so I'm glad to hear that it really does work.

granite: I'm trying--like mindfulness, it's going to take a lot of practice, though.

elliemay:

This is really interesting, elliemay. I never thought of that before! Thanks. I will try to think about the answers. Off the top of my head is that she would feel safe and loved, like I feel when T holds my hand. Same feelings.

WePow: It's interesting that I do that already, but I don't set a timer. I've been doing it now since I'm so distressed and unsettled and want to see my T so badly. That's how I got myself to do the comforting. I visualized my session and my T doing IFS and asking about that part. I know the routine already! I didn't do it for a whole hour, though. Have you done the same thing? Does it help?

dizgirl: Thanks for the hugs. Yeah, I know my T will be glad I am trying to help myself rather than wait for her. It's not easy, though.

Perna: I think I understand what you're saying but I'm not sure. You mean by bonding with my child part I can let T go more easily? I HOPE that can happen but I resist doing it too much.

It's not ridiculous, rainbow. It's possible for more than one part to want love and caring. Please don't discount your adult part(s). They may need love too.

Can you say more about the close friend who is there with you and your T and the child?

I liked what Perna wrote about forming "a bond between me and my child part that T wasn't part of." You may not think you are doing this, but you are. Your bond with your little one is closer than your T's will ever be because you are the one who communicates with your child. You then report what happens, what is said, to your T. You are the link between your child and your T. Even if you can't give full comfort yet, this "go between" role is a very special one. I remember when I was doing this sort of work in therapy that this liaison role also made me feel closer to my T.

The first time I did this sort of visualization work, I stepped into the scene with a younger ego state. She was lying on her bed, all alone, scared, crying. I swooped her up and she clung to me. T wanted to know what did she say? what did she say? I reported back that she said, "where have you been?" I guess she had been waiting for me, or someone.... The fact that she said "you" though, was positively reinforcing, I think. It made me feel wanted and needed and like I was doing a good job.

Does your little one say anything when you (or you and your T and your close friend) comfort her?

At my last session, my T was talking about doing this kind of work with clients--teaching them to comfort their younger selves. He said, "it's a trip"--in a positive way. I interpret that to mean he likes doing this kind of work, finds it rewarding, and thinks it is cool. That made me feel good that he got something so positive out of doing that kind of work with me in the past. Like I had given him a thing he values. And that made me feel closer to him.

Boy Rainbow..you have been getting some great advice and I have been listening avidly...

Sunrise's surmise of what is going on and the relationship building between you and little rainbow and her own experiences was just beautiful...you are blessed with great friends and confidants...

WB

does "that child part" have things she likes?
warm snugglies with a stuffie... and a cookie maybe or another favorite food?
I even have a stuffie with a heart beat from build a bear.

rainbow, i don't have any words of wisdom ... just with every post, I see the progress you are making. I know you are hurting, but you are inspiring me 'cause I can see the hard work you are doing.

Rainbow, yes! I have done this a few times. For me, it really helped because I was able to just give myself the session I NEEDED to have when I could not get one. Most of the time, T sits and listens to me. So just putting my teddy in the chair and pretending he was T allowed me to vent. Of course at the end I got to keep my money! LOL

((((((Rainbow))))))) comforting the "child" is something I haven't learnt how to do at all ... I'm glad you are asking questions and talking about all of this and hope what you are reading is helping and giving comfort

ty

(((((((Rainbow)))))))) I hope that someday you will be able to accept, love and 'hold' your child inner child without T. I know how hard this is especially when you love your T. Sendig many hugs

Thanks for the replies.

sunrise: My T knows I have a close friend (actually a relative) who is nurturing and open to hearing about my therapy. My T is the one who suggested she hold the baby too! In RL she gives great hugs.

I'm embarrassed about the adult parts wanting love because it's partly based on attraction to my T that makes me uncomfortable. My T knows this already; it's all that same pattern.

When we had a circle with that part, it was the baby so all she did was cry. So far the child parts have been quiet. My T has told me to ask her something, like how old she is, or what does she want from me, but she hasn't answered! It seem fake to me because I know the child part can't really talk, so how do I know what she's saying? Am I supposed to make it up, or what?

I'm glad your T thinks this work is productive and likes it! I admire your T so it makes me feel like it's worth pursuing. I'm glad his telling you made you feel closer to him.

thanks, wysteria.

Omers: the child has a stuffed animal she likes. She also loves the water--lakes, beaches, even the shower! If SHE eats too many cookies, I'll be unhappy because I'm always trying to lose weight.

rainbow_rose: thanks. You're making progress too.

WePow: Yeah, it's a good way to save money!

tigergirl: I'm not so good at it, but it can't hurt to try.

justmes: thanks!

geez: thank you. You're an inspiration to me.

well, therapy is tomorrow!

OK, no cookies... I can relate... Perhaps a warm shower then
Almost there!!!

((((rainbow)))) i hope tomorrow goes really well