[Omers]

Ok, so most of you here know by now that usually I am of the mindset that my massage T walks on water. I have been working with her at least weekly for over 2 years. she is consistent, gentle, loving, predictable, SAFE...

Last week I went to see her and dissociated somewhere between my car and her office. I was gone before I got to her office door. Next thing I know I am 14 blocks away from her office headed home (driving!!!) feeling violated. Totally new, fresh trauma feelings not like being triggered, having flashbacks or body memories. Not in my private parts but other parts of my body. I don't remember the session. I know she never has and never would do something without my permission. She also frequently checks in during the session to be sure I am OK.

The violated feelings have gone away. I have left her messages letting her know how bad my week has been (it's been a one of the worst ever!), that I was scared from our session Tuesday and that I wanted to cancel. She called me yesterday and very gently let me know that canceling is not an option. I didn't tell her about feeling violated. I know she didn't do anything and I know she would feel horrid if she knew I felt that way. I also know that she will not pressure me to do massage or be touched in any way if I do go to session and don't want to be touched.

I don't want to go back. I never want to see her again!

But... I don't know why. Even when I am hurt or angry I don't pull away from people. Usually I pull closer to try and fix it. I am not embarrassed about dissociating she knows I am DID and there have been times when other parts have come out. (No one inside remembers anything either). I still talk to/get together with people who have done horrid, abusive things to me... and now I never want to see massage T again????

I started having a migraine today and my stomach is getting all nasty. The anxiety is starting to make me sick and it is only Saturday!!! I have taken my anxiety meds, the highest amount and frequency I am allowed to take (according to Pdoc). The anxiety is so high I am having bouts of rage and sui thoughts (thoughts for me is different than feeling... I am safe... promise). I am trying to use good self talk, good self care and everything I can remember from my CBT T 10 years ago (can you say cob webs!).

I see T right before I see massage T but I know she will make me go work it out with massage T. And I understand her not wanting to get in the middle when she knows massage T is fully capable of dealing with anything and she knows massage T would never hurt me.



Help?

[Wren_]

((((((Omers))))) you are feeling new fresh trauma connected with a woman who you think walks on water and know to be safe ... you know those inside and trust them to share any experiences that go on that you aren't present for and now, somethings happened but you don't know what. Nobody with you has information; you don't know yourself what it was, only that something did that somehow has you really upset and scared and it's connected with - her.

Even knowing she would never do anything or touch you anywhere without permission; and telling yourself that which you have been ... and even though the feelings have eased, you are still going to be scared about where they came from. You are also wanting to protect massage T and have that added in, since you know how upset she'd be if she knew about the feelings ... but wouldn't she be more upset that you have had them, are worried about them and also worried about protecting her and that rather than want to go near her you'd rather run? and the one other safe person to share all of this with knows massage T so it makes it hard as well ... maybe just that something is going on that you aren't sure about sharing with two of your trusted safe people is adding to the overwhelming sense of anxiety? You may still talk to the horrible people who abused you; but this is different this is the safe woman who you are trying to protect, but it seems to be hurting you to do so ....... I'm sorry I think you are going to need to tell her what happened though (massage T) so that she can help walk you through this (I'm sorry i'm saying to do the one thing you really don't want to do, i just don't know how else you really deal with this)

[laceylu]

I am new to this dissociated stuff, but sounds like you were stressed before you got there. Maybe you remembered or connected to an old memory and massage T just happened to be the one you told. I was told each pocket of memory that becomes connected can feel different than the previous ones. I am living this now in T. Peace to you

[granite1]

i dont know what to say.i know this must be so hard for you.i hope you go to your session and are able to work things out with your MT.maybe she can tell you a bit about youyr last session if you dont remember.do you think that may help

[SilentLucidity]

omers - How is this going for you? It has been a few days now, do you still feel bad about it? Will you be able to bring it up with massage T?

[mcl6136]

I sure hope you are holding on and hanging in there....I get the disocciation thing but was also wondering why canceling is not an option? That doesn't seem particularly embracing to me. Please know my thoughts are with you!

[Wren_]

Did you go today Omers?

[Omers]

Yes, I went today... sorry forgot about this thread... have another similar one.

Saw T from 9:30-10:30 then massage T at 11. So I was with T (having a really good session and totally distracted) at what would have been the worst of my anxiety.

Massage T gently insisted I come and I knew T would strongly encourage it too... I'm a wuss.

I had massage T look at where I got kicked in the arm last week to make sure it was OK. That seemed OK, it was almost more like a Dr. thing than a massage T thing. Then she worked on me all over and I didn't dissociate. We talked about dissociation and how it works on an energy level but we didn't talk about last week specifically.

I made it through, it was OK. I still feel like I have lost SO much ground though.

Thanks everyone for remembering/checking in. It really means a lot... seeing as none of my IRL friends managed to remember that today would be hard for me.

[rainbow_rose]

Omers: (the safe kind )

[Wren_]

I'm glad you did go I do hope it gets easier and better again there though and you feel safer about it all .... I guess i'm hoping for you that you haven't really lost the ground you think you have

[Omers]

Well T said something that now has me thinking... T said she got together with massage T Normally I would assume that they didn't talk about me (they are friends). But then T said "something I had told her about massage T" problem is I KNOW I didn't tell her... Anyway T was hinting a massage T starting do do different & deeper work with me... So maybe it is a shift and they just haven't filled me in yet

Omers, glad you went to both t's and glad especially things worked out with Mt.
and apparently it is supposed to be a good thing when t's or t's and drs. talk. something about continuity of care. i personally don't like it becaue i cannot hear what they are saying about me.

[Omers]

I don't mind at all if they talk My T has just been VERY against talking to anyone else on my treatment team for a while. I know T, MT and Pdoc all know each other and I know, without a doubt, that they all have my best interests at heart. All three are remarkable women. I find it deeply comforting to know that they talk just in general even if it has nothing to do with me... If they talk to better work together for my success even better yet!