Pain and Panic

Wysteria · Sep 04, 2011, 01:00 AM

For the past 2 months I've been really struggling psychologically and with depression and as I have almost no support system have been pretty dependent on my T. As I live a lot "behind the walls", he is the only one that really knows me now and knows where I am and what the real me is even like...

A week or so ago, I asked him if he would give my eulogy. I ended up in a mental hospital, obviously. I thought I almost lost my pdoc whom I've been with for almost 6 years, and now I'm totally terrified of losing my T. I wrote him an apology letter and gratitude letter today and also said,

"Sometimes I get so very confused whether to shove you away, try to protect you from me, take care of you too, let you in somehow, grab on to you for dear life, or just run screaming away from you into the night. Sometimes I swear I feel them all at the exact same time, and it’s like a huge wall cloud that fascinates and terrifies at the same time and raises every hair on your head while sucking the oxygen out of your lungs."

I feel like I'm coming unglued from the intensity of the emotions and the need for reassurance that he won't leave me or die or whatever. I don't understand this sudden panic and neediness, and I can't put this pressure on him! It's been coming at me, and I know somehow he's seen it coming and has tried to reassure me a few times...but I don't seem to believe it deep inside. The need for connection and assurance that I won't be left all alone in here is crushing me. I have no idea what to do...

Does anyone have any suggestions? I've tried all my normal self-soothing techniques and nothing is helping. All I feel is pain and hurt and panic.

SoupDragon · Sep 04, 2011, 01:48 AM

Hi Wysteria, I am so sorry that you are having a tough time right now. I really get that mix of feelings you have about T. Although I generally find it hard, sometimes even impossible, my T tells me not to judge or try and escape my feelings, but just to be interested in them. I think if we can do this it allows us to explore them without creating more layers, like being scared, angry, sad about them. T also tells me to remember to breathe, move about and do grounding stuff. Thinking of you. SD

Sep 04, 2011, 02:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wysteria

For the past 2 months I've been really struggling psychologically and with depression and as I have almost no support system have been pretty dependent on my T. As I live a lot "behind the walls", he is the only one that really knows me now and knows where I am and what the real me is even like...

A week or so ago, I asked him if he would give my eulogy. I ended up in a mental hospital, obviously. I thought I almost lost my pdoc whom I've been with for almost 6 years, and now I'm totally terrified of losing my T. I wrote him an apology letter and gratitude letter today and also said,

"Sometimes I get so very confused whether to shove you away, try to protect you from me, take care of you too, let you in somehow, grab on to you for dear life, or just run screaming away from you into the night. Sometimes I swear I feel them all at the exact same time, and it’s like a huge wall cloud that fascinates and terrifies at the same time and raises every hair on your head while sucking the oxygen out of your lungs."

I feel like I'm coming unglued from the intensity of the emotions and the need for reassurance that he won't leave me or die or whatever. I don't understand this sudden panic and neediness, and I can't put this pressure on him! It's been coming at me, and I know somehow he's seen it coming and has tried to reassure me a few times...but I don't seem to believe it deep inside. The need for connection and assurance that I won't be left all alone in here is crushing me. I have no idea what to do...

Does anyone have any suggestions? I've tried all my normal self-soothing techniques and nothing is helping. All I feel is pain and hurt and panic.

Hi Wisteria
I have similar feelings about my T also. He reassures me constantly in many ways. You aren't putting pressure on him;he signed on for this when he became a T. I believe he knows just what you're feeling.
Sometimes I feel I will disappear if I don't see T. Other times, seeing him is the last thing I want. It turns you inside out and makes you feel crazy.
The next time you see T could you ask him to write some affirmation on paper for you to hold onto to? For me, it's that I have no object permanence, so if I am not around T, he doesn't exist for me. He let me take a photo of him to carry when I feel so alone.
I hope you can relax and find some peace.

Sep 04, 2011, 02:05 AM

"Sometimes I get so very confused whether to shove you away, try to protect you from me, take care of you too, let you in somehow, grab on to you for dear life, or just run screaming away from you into the night. Sometimes I swear I feel them all at the exact same time, and it’s like a huge wall cloud that fascinates and terrifies at the same time and raises every hair on your head while sucking the oxygen out of your lungs."

This is the perfect explaination of this feeling for T. The neediness, yet pushing away in fear....

BonnieJean · Sep 04, 2011, 03:50 AM

I'm sorry you're going thru this, Wisteria. When I experience intense pain, hurt and panic my t encouages me to try to bring them outside of me to look at them and try to accept the fact that they feel horrible. I've gained a little bit of peace at times after sitting beside my pain instead of having it overwelming me from the inside. She also encouages me to try to identify where in my body those feelings start. It helps me contain them.
It is happening for a reason. I think it is important to keep talking about it with your t. I doubt he'll take on the pressure but help you work thru it.

Wysteria · Sep 04, 2011, 04:29 PM

Hey SD and BonnieJean...

I've been trying to figure out how to step out of the resulting fear and pain and just "look" at the original emotions...but it is confusing...and very hard to do. I'm trying very hard to be logical but the fear just wells up inside of me with the tears. I've also tried staying busy and not thinking about it. I also looked up his picture and saved it like you suggested, but then felt like a pervert so I deleted it.

Now that I've written him and made myself more vulnerable, I feel exposed again and like I'm waiting on a response which I probably won't get until Friday. It's like waiting on a blood test...to see if I have malaria or something.

I just want to take it all back and make it all stop.
I hate this vulnerability sh#$!!!
Walls up, load the ammunition, bar the door, light the fires....
I don't need some man to make me feel like this...!
Why do I do this again?!?!?

I can't handle this..it's making me split in two....

Omers · Sep 04, 2011, 04:52 PM

even big strong lions b vulnerable sometimes. this is Shampha and Zurri. they push each other away a lot too, with claws and big teeths. but they can be vulnerable with each other too.
I can send Nyack the boy lion along if you want him to watch over you while you feel vulnerable. Nyack is a nice lion.

sometimes helpers do go away before we are ready even if they do not want to. they try really hard not to because they no we need them. other helpers come though. soon you will be stronger and let others in too. then the need for one helper not be so strong. I have three helpers so I can be brave now.

e

rainbow8 · 04:56 PM

I'm sorry, wysteria. I understand the totally confusing feelings for your T. I don't have an answer yet, but I do understand.

Kacey2 · Sep 04, 2011, 04:55 PM

Wysteria,
I can completely relate to your feelings of dispair and fears of being abandoned by t. Have you done any imagery with your t about times of connections between the two of you when you felt cared for by him and safe and reassured? That's what my t and I do. We practice in session and then when he is gone I am supposed to go over that in my mind. It does seem to help things to not spiral out of control even more. I myself am praciticing letting go of what you love. That seems to be the only way I can wrap my head around it. Thinking of you and hope you can get some reassurance.

delicatefade26 · Sep 04, 2011, 05:22 PM

(((Wysteria))) I feel like I could have written those exact same words...it was almost hard to read them because it hits so close to home...this is the most difficult relationship I have ever had to navigate and most of the time I feel like I'm not even able to be in control-which is in itself difficult and makes me want to quit...why should I be submitting myself to this emotional torture...but then I realize that it's all a part of my healing-which contains the need for exploration of abandonment issues and the absolute panic that follows-as well as the self-hatred for feeling that way (It will take a while but I have to be willing to participate as well by being honest with T and myself) I wish you all the luck in the world in dealing with this issues and we are here to support you along the way!!

Keep us updated!!

Wysteria · Sep 04, 2011, 07:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Omers

even big strong lions b vulnerable sometimes. this is Shampha and Zurri. they push each other away a lot too, with claws and big teeths. but they can be vulnerable with each other too.
I can send Nyack the boy lion along if you want him to watch over you while you feel vulnerable. Nyack is a nice lion.

sometimes helpers do go away before we are ready even if they do not want to. they try really hard not to because they no we need them. other helpers come though. soon you will be stronger and let others in too. then the need for one helper not be so strong. I have three helpers so I can be brave now.

e

thanks guys..I loved the picture. I guess ole Mamma Bear could use a few lions in her court today..

I saved them in my warrior picture section at home..

Hi e- sorry you saw this

...I'll be ok.

You are a sweetheart

to think of me.

Wysteria · Sep 07, 2011, 11:28 PM

Hi DelicateFade and Kasey and Rainbow...

Thank you so much for your responses...T and I talked yesterday for a few moments and he was reassuring which helped, but then said we'd "talk about it",...which wasn't

..of course because now I like have to face him and explain myself... Then because I bombed at new IOP group last night, and some other stuff, he's called me in for session tomorrow... I feel like I'm going to have sit on the big black bench outside the principal's office in grammer school. I can just smell the antiseptic the janitors used to use...and picture the long walk down the hall to his office... I'd rather just pull my own teeth out with a pair of plyers at this point.

I feel like I'm walking in there butt-naked...I'll be surprised if I'm not wearing a parka even though it's like 98 here tomorrow..unfortunately I STUPIDLY sent him a poem last night that I had worked on as well about loneliness and how much I hurt and SUI and stuff.. Just f'ing brilliant on my part...I have no idea why I felt the need to make myself any more vulnerable to him...

I'm taking Omer and Elestial's wonderfully, ferocious lions to carry "in my pocket" tomorrow morning..figure I'll take some of you with me as well...whether you know it or not..

Hope you don't mind if I borrow you in spirit!! lol

Wish me luck tomorrow...maybe it will snow in Texas tomorrow, you think???

ughhhhhhh!!!

WB

Wren_ · Sep 07, 2011, 11:35 PM

((((((((Wysteria)))))))))) sorry I didn't give any suggestions ... I read your post, but so much of what you said sounds so familiar to my own thinking that I couldn't think of anything to say - except perhaps that you aren't alone in feeling this way

I'm glad you could talk to your T briefly; and I think the "we'll talk about this" is to let you know that you can talk more about it and that the brief discussion didn't need to be the end; it's a good thing even though it may feel scary right now

Hopefully he can help you through this and give you more reassurance. How about instead of the image you are picturing now; you think about a nicer image like walking down a corridor into the safe presence of someone who cares about you and wants to help, carrying with you the lions and all of us in your pocket so that you know you aren't alone

Sep 07, 2011, 11:35 PM

(((((Wysteria)))))

Wysteria · Sep 08, 2011, 12:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tigergirl

((((((((Wysteria)))))))))) sorry I didn't give any suggestions ... I read your post, but so much of what you said sounds so familiar to my own thinking that I couldn't think of anything to say - except perhaps that you aren't alone in feeling this way

I'm glad you could talk to your T briefly; and I think the "we'll talk about this" is to let you know that you can talk more about it and that the brief discussion didn't need to be the end; it's a good thing even though it may feel scary right now

Hopefully he can help you through this and give you more reassurance. How about instead of the image you are picturing now; you think about a nicer image like walking down a corridor into the safe presence of someone who cares about you and wants to help, carrying with you the lions and all of us in your pocket so that you know you aren't alone

Hi Tigergirl,

I like the idea of the re-imaging of the hall...like walking into a warm and fuzzy blanket or something...I have just the blanket in mind...that a friend was just telling me about...maybe that will help me not feel so exposed either...I don't know..yeah..it's a good image..I like it.. It's going to be a long night..

I really appreciate your coming with me too! A tiger is always welcome! lol

WB