The "real" relationship with T

elliemay: this thread is so long I'm getting mixed up as to whom I responded, so sorry if this is a repeat. I loved what you wrote. Therapy is what it is, and accept it for that. Accept the crazy that it is. Someone else posted that too. I'm going to reread your post also; maybe I am going to print this entire thread. Thanks! I don't have the posts in front of me as I respond; guess I should print it out first.

Elliemay, I meant to quote this: it's great!

Anne: thanks. Well, it's my 5th T and my best! Thanks for posting your experience with your T. Take it at face value. That makes sense. But sometimes the connection with the T is the destination. With my 1st T, she told me the goal was to have a relationship with her, and then slowly disconnect. That was years ago when I didn't have a clue what therapy was. Working on the connection and WHY I have those feelings for my T IS a crucial part of my therapy. She said it is.

earthmamma: thanks for your reply!

vaffla: I don't think most Ts would tell their clients that they missed them, but it seems to work for your T and you.

I am going to ask my T if she cares about me as a person or a client. She'll probably say "both." I hope, anyway.

Well, heck, I say it is too.

But I would hope that is not ALL that it is. Exploring the connection between you & your T and your feelings shouldn't be the end point of therapy. You would also want to grow to the point where you can take what you've learned about yourself and how you relate to others and apply it to your other relationships, and have healthy relationships outside the T room as well.

That's my opinion, anyway. Far be it from me to run your T; I can't even run my own.

Anne

I remember now - I don't think I'm changing my mind. The last stmt of my post above, which I deleted (of course!) before anyone could see it, was that my T could take of himself. Therefore all energy is still hankster-related.
In your thread, I fretted that he was taking too much of that energy for himself, as he zoned out recalling his own history. The issue was not what the patient perceived, it was what the T revealed, which was, to me, the desire to be taken care of. And you saw how that set me off earlier in the day (before I deleted that! [if you didn't, I went completely bonkers] but at least now I have something to talk about Wednesday). I also deleted-before-posting-as-unsupportive the question, how am I, as the patient, "prohibited"? When I got my client license? So is this a prohibition you feel? So what's that about? (rhetorical question, and you don't know how long I've been waiting to say that!)
love ya!
h

(((((((Rainbow))))))))))

The love flows back at you, babe.

Are you seriously focused on the word "prohibited" that I used? It is a concept, but in the therapy context it is much "looser" than the definition of the word might imply. I sort of get the idea behind the excellent distinction you made between what you said in my thread weeks ago and what you're saying now, thank you very much. But it seems that I have missed the posts you deleted so that part of your post is passing me by.

But-- seriously, the "prohibited" language. I don't feel prohibited from doing or saying anything in therapy, but I believe that T's should structure the therapy itself (and, okay, I cry uncle, prohibited is a bad, bad, word and a lousy way to describe what I meant) so it focuses on the client. I think that the heart of the ethical rules in T are do not allow the client to meet your needs, whether those needs are emotional or sexual or anything else, that therapy must focus on the client getting what they need, not you.

Off the subject, but I am also very acutely aware of this as it relates to parenting. When I said in therapy one day, I do not expect my child to meet my needs, he let out a big "Oh." There was a time last spring when my 9 year old son brought me water, checked my forehead for fever, and then told me a story to entertain me. He said that he wanted to take care of me because I always took such good care of him when he was sick. He asked if he was taking good care of me. I said, yes, of course, and I thanked him for it. I accepted his caretaking because it was clearly important for him to think of himself as giving me back the care I had given to him, and of course it was one of the sweetest moments between us. But I didn't ask him to do any of these things for me and I made it clear that although I really appreciated it, he didn't need to take care of me.

I think that it is important for T's to be clear about therapy being for the client, not for them. I think it is important for us, the clients, to allow them to give us the gift of focusing on us and encouraging us to look directly in the sun of their care and love. And we do not, and should not, give that back to them. We do give them plenty of good stuff, just not that.

Anne

I just wanted to say that I'm sorry that you feel picked on. I interpreted the length of this thread as meaning that you've identified something interesting that we all want to talk about. Thank you!

Anne

Why the dichotomy, Rainbow? We (people) aren't made like that?

When I terminated with my therapist I gave her a gift that was mostly blue, which I knew was her favorite color. To not "genuinely" enjoy something but tell you she did, your T would have to "lie"?

Think of the people you do not have a "genuine" relationship with but know. I interact, chat with the grocery clerks at my local store, for example; I ask them about their day, when they get off, the difficulties of working long hours on their feet, etc. When we had a recent hot spell, I learned that the clerk I was talking to had no air conditioning and had a bird; she decided not to go home after work because it was too hot, she was going to go out with her boyfriend instead; we both felt bad for the bird :-) I "cared" about the conversation and the clerk! I was interested and genuinely related. She has a parakeet and I told her about mine as a child; we had something in common, both had parakeets.

Sending your T pictures you think she will like; why you send them is more to the point than that she enjoys them and what that says about her? You cannot "buy" your T's genuineness; it is part of her nature. But you also cannot influence and change what that genuineness is/means. Your T is interested in you as a person. Your T enjoys working with you. Your T enjoys receiving pictures from you, of scenes and your family photos. But your T is not more interested in the pictures than in "You" or, more interested in "You" because you sent the pictures!

There is no permanence to any relationship pair. Children grow up and go out in the world on their own; sometimes they move and are rarely seen again. That doesn't mean we love them any less. Friends are in our lives for a bit and then we or they move on. Spouses are loved and then divorce may take them from us or, death. The therapeutic relationship is a "special" relationship but not that different from these others except that it has semi-known time boundaries. The relationship is special because it has a distinct purpose. It rarely moves into being another kind of relationship. But it is always "genuine", else it couldn't exist as it does.

Rainbow, I think that you working through the relationship that you have with your T is the therapy that you need at this time......

Sannah, thank you for your post.

I know I haven't rsponded to everyone in this thread, and I still want to, but for now,

I'm not sure how I will discuss this in my session today. I want to do EMDR and spend most of the time on that, but the email and real relationship issues needs some time too.

I hope you can find time for all of it